The IgNoble Experiment, a.k.a. Live Dangerously!

The Return of the Meme!!!

2011-05-28T15:14:00.004-04:00

Cymbaline tagged me in something that I've almost forgotten how to do due to length of time - a meme! Here I go...

1. I wish I could.... get a lucrative and interesting job that I would be passionate about and that would allow me to grow as a professional and also fund my desire for travel, my various interests, and good education for my future kids! I also wish I could take away everyone's pain, and teach people around me how to be happy.

2.My biggest fear is... two of them actually. One is not fulfilling what I'm set out to do, not becoming the best person I can be, remaining a mere mediocrity that will have left no impact on anyone or anything. The second is losing control of my mind, whether through old age, disease, or both.

3. I hate to... lower myself in any way and before anyone. Dentist appointments aren't fun either!

4. I love... life, my family, friends, my cat Julie and animals in general, long solitary walks, photography, food, food photography, helping people, law, learning Judaism, self-discovery, personal growth, travel, strong emotions, overanalyzing things to death, long conversations with awesome people, discovering new, exciting books, exploring, desserts, beautiful music, art that affects me in some way, witty humor (dirty or clean, as long as it's sharp and funny), dressing up, theater nights out with my mom, SUSHI, snowfalls, mysteries, deep dark secrets, bizarre, weird happenings, crazy people, lucid dreaming, and some matters that best remain unmentioned for the time being. :0

5. Today I will celebrate the birthday of one of my oldest (in terms of length of acquaintance) friends and have lots of fun!

6. Yesterday I had a great time with friends, greeting Shabbat, eating, and just hanging out together, having a crazy conversation and lots of good laughs.

7. My hair is never curly enough... Oh well. At least I can do nice up-dos with it.

8. I will never regret doing what I think is right. Not for all the pain in the world. :)

Excited,
Irina/Nissan

Where Did I Go Wrong?

2011-04-12T13:19:00.002-04:00

Here's the deal.

I am not perfect!

I know that may come as a shock to some of you, but I really am not. I have plenty of flaws, issues, etc. Nevertheless, I try to be self-critical and when I realize that I haven't done as well as I should in a particular area of my life, I do my best to improve. That's what life is for, growing, learning, working on yourself, trying to become the best person you can be. I am not being "too hard on myself". I don't engage in meaningless self-abuse. Crying "woe is me" without do anything about it is pointless and not helpful. I call my approach to life "constructive criticism." I don't believe in flattery and sugarcoating things when they are wrong. It doesn't help. So right now, I have a particular issue, and I want practical advice on how to handle it best. I know I have many people who are supportive and who don't want me to feel bad, but right now I"m not out for some therapy or hugs. I have a problem to solve!

I know myself pretty well by now. My strength is in self-discipline and a particular type of forcefulness, energy, and determination that helps me force my way through all the obstacles that come my way. I am, what one may call, a "gevurah" person. For the mystical-minded among you, my birthday is on the 14th day of the omer, the "malchut of gevurah". For everyone who is not into that stuff, I am self-critical, and critical in general, a disciplinarian, an analyst, a problem-solver. I approach life itself as a lawyer. I am the one you go to if you want to figure out the issues in your life, where you've messed up. I am the issue and pattern-spotter. I also have a certain level of introversion that makes me more introspective than many people and more likely to turn inwardly for a solution to my own problems; however, even the most self-aware people should turn to the more objective outsiders to help them see what they are doing wrong. I am not always objective towards myself, try as I may be, and it's natural. Fortunately, there are people who are very helpful in pointing out if I need improvement in some areas, but often that help comes indirectly.

While being a disciplined and strong person has been my strength, being kind/compassionate and reaching out to people has NOT been natural for me. That quality is the flip side of the coin. That's something that came naturally to my mother, and I was always slightly envious of her. However, with time I came to realize that by putting in a lot of work I can develop that quality in myself as well and become the person that I want to be, a person who can balance the criticism with kindness and understanding and be fair and helpful without being needlessly abrasive, hurtful, or embarrass people. I've seen what happens when people have no consideration for other people's feelings and just blurt out whatever comes to their mind as long as they feel it's "true" (which ultimately, may not even be the case", and it was not pretty. So I came to appreciate the necessity of being balanced.

While I'm naturally attracted to people who have the same strengths as me - that ability to dish out unsugared truth, to speak their mind regardless of the popularity of their position, to be introspective and self-critical, disciplined, focused on growth, and tough, I've always looked up to those who are, in some way, the opposite, who are just natural kind and mellow and nurturing, and who seem to have a special understanding of people and their situations, and who seem to love everyone and in turn bring out the best in those around them, seemingly effortlessly. It is just as natural for them as being who I am is natural for me. Such people have inspired me tremendously, but again, while I've tried my best to learn from them, that learning comes with tremendous growth pains and awkwardness at times, because it means moving away from the negative extreme of my own qualities into a different direction, adopting something that is not in my nature, and making it my own. In the beginning, it was very strange, and I had to force myself to speak kind words to people or to do the basic "chessed" actions. All of it was extremely awkward, and I had no idea whether what I was doing it right, and it all seemed somewhat surreal, as if I were trying to fit into the life of a totally different person. With time, I grew into it, and doing the basic things became a habit. It was no longer a test for me; it was just something that had to be done, and the more I did it, the easier and more natural it felt.

It became pleasing to me to help others, not because I was hoping to get more people to like me. I've never had issues with that, because I figure that either people will naturally gravitate towards me for who I am, or not, and anyway, you can't have the whole world like you. I've been known to take very unpopular stands, to speak my mind alone in a crowd of aggressive dissenters, and to lead a life that many may found a little bizarre/controversial, because ultimately, what matters to me the most is my own self-respect and the sense of doing what is right. What people think about it is their own business, but I have one life and want to live it the way that best fits me. However, I don't like unhappiness in pain. I don't like it in me and I certainly don't like it in people around me. Rather than sitting around and waiting for external circumstances to change, I apply my own dynamic approach to life and prefer to work on my attitude along with the actual resolution of my problems, but I also want to help others. I know numerous people in difficult situations and my heart goes out to them. I wish I could solve everyone's problems for them, but I can't, so I try to listen, I try to give advice to the best of my ability, and share what I've learned from my own experience. I want to live in a better world, and the only way to achieve that is by acting when necessary. That's it.

But here's the thing. Recently, I realized that I'm doing something wrong. It took me a long time to see the flaw in my approach, and I'm very thankful to the circumstances and people who brought it to my attention, so I could work it out and improve. Without going into the specifics of those particular circumstances and remarks, suffice it to say that I learned that I may be coming across as someone who is a) either is not altogether sincere or has ulterior/selfish motivations for being helpful or b) is playing around with people out of boredom, adopting them as pet project, or c) acting out of pity/looking down on people. I was very tempted to dismiss that as a joke or exaggeration or a simple misinterpretation on people's part, because in my mind it seemed too absurd to be true... except I stopped to think about it and realized that this was far from the first time when people were suspicious of my motives, and maybe it didn't have as much to do with other people's insecurity or cynicism as with the fact that I was acting in a way that made such interpretation of my behavior reasonable. Thinking about what happened I realized that there was a disturbing pattern in my life that I've been ignoring despite the fact that each time I took a particular type of action I would think to myself that I made a mistake in that instance. However, seeing that there's been a few identical instances makes me think that it's time to reanalyze what I do a little and see if I can find a better way.

So, where did I go wrong? That part is pretty clear, actually.

STEP 1:
I ignore people I know in real life for years, without taking the time to get to know them on more than superficial level and without ever really listening to what they are saying, except on small-talk level.

STEP 2:
I end up with an extremely incomplete sketch of who they are and what their life is like. In fact, sometimes I perceive people as the exact opposite of what they are or view them as two-dimensional cartoon characters who play a very background role in the narrative of my life.

STEP 3:
Something bad happens to one of these people. I am shocked into action. I wind up having a real conversation with someone like that for the first time since meeting them or taking note of their existence, and realize that everything is much more complicated that I assumed, that some of my assumptions were baseless and meritless, etc.

STEP 4:
I start playing catch up, trying to make up for all the time I missed out on being actively involved in getting to know the particular people, in order to get to know them better/be helpful etc etc.

STEP 5:
They have no idea what's going on in my head, as I never bother to explain my sudden change in my position towards them. All they see is a girl who never really cared about them much and who is suddenly acting super-involved for seemingly no good reason. They assume that I just got bored with whatever I was doing before and am entertaining myself at their expense.

STEP 6:
They question my motives and don't trust me. Without earning people's trust, I can't get anything done.

OUTCOME:
Everyone loses.

Clearly, I need to find a more graceful and tactful transition from 0 interest to lots of interest. Of course, ideally I wouldn't have been indifferent in the first place... which is what I'm trying to avoid with the new people I meet. Admittedly, it's hard because getting to know someone takes a lot of time and effort, and both resources are limited. You're forced to choose and limit the people you want to be close with. Nevertheless, at least I'm more aware of the problem I tend to have, and can revise my attitude accordingly and be more sensitive, aware, and observant in general.

That still doesn't solve the problem of the "old people", the ones I already messed up with. I understand that it takes time and commitment in winning over people's trust and it doesn't happen in a day, especially after you've already acted suspiciously. But you see the issue as outlined. Just because I made a mistake in the past, doesn't mean that I can't find a better way now. So this is the part where I ask everyone for SPECIFIC, PRACTICAL input on how to resolve this mess. :) (I appreciate messages of support and lavish praise, but that's not what I need right now. I need problem-solving hints here! Specific steps I can take, if possible. Yes, I'm overanalyzing. No, it's not a bad thing, because if I don't, I'll never learn).

Reflective,
Irina/Nissan

The Response

2011-02-08T16:48:00.004-05:00

Because I cannot stand by silent.

Because my response to a tragedy, after the initial shock wears is off, is not to turn away, but to search for answers. Whether I can find an answer that satisfies me or not, I keep searching for a way to respond. That, too, is an answer. I cannot undo tragedies, but I can help prevent new ones. I can try to help bring peace to those who were affected. I can try to show that those who have suffered and who have died in suffering did not die in vain, that their lives and deaths have not gone unnoticed, but have gone on to have impact on many people, people like me.

Because to me, grief is more than just tears and hand-shaking. It is also rooted in desire to prevent more pain from happening, to change something somewhere for the better.

Because it's too easy to turn away and do nothing, to succumb to my own private pity party, to dwell only on my own misfortunes, and see nothing else. And because the easy way is not my way, for better or for worse.

Because I seek to fill every day, every hour, every minute, every second of my life with meaning.

Because life is short and my mission in it is to be the best person I can be, and do the most I can do.

Because I am the only person that stands in my way of me making an impact.

Because making an impact doesn't have to be something huge. It doesn't have to becoming a ruler of a country, a military leader, or discovering the cure for AIDS. It could be something that's within my own day-to-day capabilities. It can mean not standing by silent, and speaking out. It can mean awakening others to discover that there is more to life that their personal day to day troubles, of showing others how to reach out and help someone else.

Because sometimes having an impact just means listening to a friend who is hurt or asking a stranger who seems upset if everything is ok. Because living a better life is waking up each morning asking yourself "What can I do today to help someone else?"

Because just sitting and complaining and making cynical statements won't get anything done, won't change anything, won't solve any problems.

Because I have it in me.

Because I can, and I want, and most importantly, I have the WILL.

Because somehow, despite all the tragedies, and pain, and suffering in the world, we still have to wake up in the morning and go on.

Because life is beautiful, and challenging, and interesting, and rich, and multi-faceted, and sometimes difficult, and tempting, and trying, and incredible, and worth living.

And most importantly, because I PROMISED.

I promised to those who went too early. I promised to my grandparents, that I will continue carrying on their legacy of reaching out and helping others. I promised it to myself.

And so...

It is our pleasure to introduce you to:

The Samaritans of New York (www.samaritansnyc.org/aboutus)

(For Quick Signup Click Here: http://www.samaritansnyc.org/benefit/benefit1.php)
...
A premier non profit organization that operates NYC’s ONLY 24-hour, Suicide-Prevention Hotline for 25+ years, and answered 69,000 calls last year. The Host Committee is working with them as they need help with money, publicity, events, sponsorship, in-kind donations. We invite you to Supporting Samaritans of New York City Supporting Others!

WHERE
La Pomme NYC

HOW: http://www.samaritansnyc.org/benefit/benefit1.php click to reserve your spot.
$25 minimum donation required to attend
$36 after February 17 – or $40 at the door.

Performance by City Haze & Beats Myth
Music by Demby, of J2M Events

Amazing Raffle Prizes!
Midnight Black diamond earrings -- courtesy of
Denis Mahgerefteh, CEO of UDE collection and celebrity jeweler

Pair of sexy Christian Louboutins
Louis Vuitton charm bracelet
AND FOR MY MALE FRIENDS , I have something for you too.

***100% of proceeds go to The Samaritans of NYC!!!

Here's what the organizer of the event, Anel Quintero has to say about this...

It is our pleasure to introduce you to:

The Samaritans of New York (www.samaritansnyc.org/aboutus)

(For Quick Signup Click Here: http://www.samaritansnyc.org/benefit/benefit1.php)
...
A premier non profit organization that operates NYC’s ONLY 24-hour, Suicide-Prevention Hotline for 25+ years, and answered 69,000 calls last year. The Host Committee is working with them as they need help with money, publicity, events, sponsorship, in-kind donations. We invite you to Supporting Samaritans of New York City Supporting Others!

WHERE
La Pomme NYC

HOW: http://www.samaritansnyc.org/benefit/benefit1.php click to reserve your spot.
$25 minimum donation required to attend
$36 after February 17 – or $40 at the door.

Performance by City Haze & Beats Myth
Music by Demby, of J2M Events

Amazing Raffle Prizes!
Midnight Black diamond earrings -- courtesy of
Denis Mahgerefteh, CEO of UDE collection and celebrity jeweler

Pair of sexy Christian Louboutins
Louis Vuitton charm bracelet
AND FOR MY MALE FRIENDS , I have something for you too.

***100% of proceeds go to The Samaritans of NYC!!!

WHY? By attending this event or by making additional donations, you are helping the problem of suicide that is getting a lot of attention in the news these days, through such stories as the death of British fashion designer Alexander McQueen, passing of Bernard Madoff’s elder son and Hillary Clinton’s speaking out on the suicide of Rutgers student Tyler Clementi. Even the music business has its stories, such as the suicide of Def Jam executive Shakir Stewart, or Alicia Keys and Mary J. Blige talking about depression. We were really surprised to hear from the Samaritans that more people have died from suicide in this country in the last few years than from AIDS or homicide. It seems obvious that we should all be doing our part to help out so we are helping put together this fundraiser so you can help too.

WHO? My name is Anel Quintero. I was involved with The Samaritans Organization for a great amount of time after I lost a best friend to suicide. I knew my friend was going through a tough time but never imagined he would feel it was the end of his world. I’m not going to focus on the struggles he was going through because “everyone struggles” but rather the emotions that were eating him alive. The feeling of anger, loneliness, anxiety, helpless, hopeless, scared and insecurity wrapped him around like a blanket every moment of his last days. People often make the mistake to believe that the war against us is outside. The reality is the battle against us is outside and the war lies within us. I hope you can join me and my All star host committee in giving people who are feeling hopeless a fighting chance for their lives.

ALL STAR HOST COMMITTEE:
Anel Quintero -- Dev Haut -- Florence Haut -- Irina Tsukerman – Alina Fayer--Yehuda M. Neuman -- Kal Holczler --Jonny Ross -- Samson Meyer Freundlich -- Julia Safar -- Michael Adam Chervony -- Michael Richter --Denis Mahgerefteh aka Diamond D.

***

I am doing this for Matthew David Jacobson. And for Bill Zeller. And for thousands of others whose names I do not know, but who end their own lives in despair each day, not knowing that there ARE answers, that help is already on the way...

May there be no more.

One day, I hope to wake up in the world where everyone chooses life.

With love and determination,
Irina/Nissan

Fighting Back the Darkness

2011-01-24T15:37:00.004-05:00

I have not heard about Bill Zeller until one Sunday afternoon, when a close friend, who was supposed to join me at the movies, was inexplicably unable to attend, and later on explained what happened and related the whole story. I was quite shocked to hear it, and found myself personally affected to an unusual extent, considering that I have not ever met this person nor knew anything about him except for the suicide note, which I read on his Facebook page. There were many reasons for that, and I won't go into what I wound up doing, but later on, reflecting about some of the things that touched me so, it was the realization that I had something in common with Bill Zeller, and that I could identify with him on a certain level, despite never having gone through any of the horrifying experiences he detailed in his note.

The darkness which he so vividly described rang quite familiar to me.

In his case, it was apparently caused or at least triggered by those experiences.

In my case, at a certain point in my life, it just seemed to have emerged out of the very depth of my being.

Quite ironically, I named it My Inner Programmer (read the link for some background), though others might call it "inner demons", or "doubt". Darkness has many names.

And it didn't just appear in my life once, briefly, never to be seen again. I've waged a battle against My Inner Programmer for many years, utilizing both my inner and outer resources. At a certain point in my life, I began to feel much more in control of my own life and sought to regain my inner strength and to push back against the part of me that sought to stop me from living up to my potential and enjoying life. For many months, despite experiencing various difficulties, I thought that I have succeeded in completely destroying my evil IP. Except, as you can probably guess, I was wrong, and I didn't fully kill him off. He departed to the inner recesses of my mind awaiting an especially trying time in my life in order to rear his ugly head once again. My Inner Programmer has been my biggest challenge, rather than any outward obstacle, be it the difficulties of job search, interpersonal relationships of any sort, health issues, or anything else. He came out when he sensed a potential for weakness and took full advantage of any such possibility. And then he'd whisper in my inner "ear", lulling me into a state of contentment with being blue, creating a new reality FOR me.

He tempted me with self-disgust. It's so much easier to think you're not good enough to be happy or to reach your goals than to fight it, than to wake up every day and struggle through whatever issues you have, to work on self-improvement, to go out and empathize with other people's problems, to help others even at the cost of much inconvenience. It's easier to be a victim of your inner darkness than to challenge yourself with overcoming it. It's always easier to give in to invading enemy forces than to resist. Resistance can be uncomfortable, painful, even bloody and does not necessarily guarantee you a victory or resolution of the issues which gave access to the invaders to begin with. My Inner Programmer is the most successful invader possible because he comes from within and knows all the workings of my mind, all the nooks and crannies. He knows me and my weaknesses. He knows when it's safe to come out, when I'm least likely to want to resist. I can't always afford the luxury of wallowing in self-pity, but when I do, that's when My Inner Programmer is all too happy to help. The best time is when all the tests of life seem to be happening at once, when I feel overwhelmed by obstacles in every possible area of my life, when everything seems difficult and not going the way I want it to, and when I'm filled with doubt about myself, God, and people around me.

I've noticed the pattern, and of course, self-awareness is the first step on the way of solving the problem. I'm under no illusion that the battle is anywhere near its resolution. Most likely it'll take decades or perhaps even the rest of my life. Nevertheless, I can win and will win, by learning how to be happy despite, or even BECAUSE of the challenges life gives me, by appreciating what I have, and learning to enjoy those challenges, and try to make the best of even the most complicated or seemingly hopeless situations. The only way to achieve victory against My Inner Programmer is to live a meaningful and fulfilling life, to learn how to get what you want to matter what, to forge your own realities, to affect the world around you rather than letting it mold you.

I also learned to draw strength from the realization that I'm not alone with that inner darkness. And it's not just Bill Zeller. Every single human being on the face of the earth has or at some point had, some version of My Inner Programmer. People may not necessarily recognize this force of darkness or anthropomorphize it the way I did, but self-doubt and problems with self-esteem is nothing new. Some people manage to suppress it better than others. For some, it's just a periodic peeve, whereas for other it's a lifelong battle with a very personal and familiar nemesis. Everyone has different weaknesses and reasons for doubting oneself, and therefore their "inner programmers" will be of different professions, creeds, voices and will come out for different reasons. But it all comes down to feeling of not being good enough for something... or someone. Ultimately, it's this gnawing inner pain, the desire to achieve one's dream coupled with the EQUAL fear of achieving it.

Just as an example, I've been in relationships which I really wanted very much to succeed... but at the same time, was deeply afraid of the consequences of such a success. I was afraid of not being able to handle happiness. And so My Inner Programmer would come up with all sorts of sneaky, backstabbing ways of sabotaging my relationships. He'd cause me to search for flaws and issues that were non-existent, and to create some if I didn't find something to obsess about. He'd cause me to lash out at my significant others as a manifestation of my inner weakness and doubt. Instead of being straight-forward and expressing that I sought support and emotional closeness, I'd become passive agressive or pick fights over nothing or, my personal favorite, push them away in order to test them, almost subconsciously, to see how much they really cared for me, how much would they be willing to put up with - would they stay with me no matter how I acted, no matter how much trouble I was going through or would they flee at the first sign of inner anguish? I did not distinguish between my own internal suffering and the pain I was causing others through my thoughtless, self-centered actions.

At the same time, my frustration was increased by the perception that those significant others did not understand what I was going through, that instead of giving me warmth they were drawing away, and that they didn't see that this wasn't really ME, that something inside me was causing to act that way, and that something was overpowering me. I didn't know how to fight. I came up with all sorts of excuses for myself and felt helpless and distraught. I felt that they were getting nowhere by telling me to just stop, because I thought I couldn't just stop. I felt out of control and to me, it seemed that the pain-filled and hurtful words that were coming out of my mouth did not belong to me, that what was happening to me was involuntary. I was very confused, and felt like I was living in darkness, that with each passing day my life was getting worse and worse.

I felt increasingly out of control, like I was falling apart, and nothing that people said to me or did for me seemed to help. I thought that they needed to have more patience and understanding; they thought I was being absurd and cruel. I grew quite accomplished at driving people away, thought that caused me even more pain, made me feel even more unneeded, and caused the cycle to repeat itself. I thought no one could accept me the way I was. And truth be told, the way I was at the time was not attractive or positive. I had completely inadequate, melodramatic reactions to minute challenges. I'd have a cow every time something did not go my way. My life was filled with unusual negativity. I gave off bad vibes. I was sick of being of myself even, what more could I expect from others???

And yet deep down I knew that there was more to me that this pathetic, hysterical, angry person who was being so ungrateful to people who were trying to help her and who was being so hurtful towards those who cared about her the most. I felt that if someone were strong enough he'd be able to help me overcome these issues, reach deep inside me and summon forth the inner strength I always knew I possessed. However, the people in my life were not at the stage in their own lives when they could offer that sort of positivity. I was asking for things that they simply could not give me, and in turn, could not identify the source of my frustration or vent what was causing me to draw apart from me.

The story, however, has a good continuation, because eventually I came to realization that I am the master of my own destiny and I can become an entirely different person immediately if I wanted to. And so I set out to work on that. Lo and behold, that willful decision weakened My Inner Programmer, and at the same time, all sorts of wonderful things started happening to me: I started meeting new and exciting people who had an incredibly positive effect on me, who inspired me, and helped me leave that darkness behind me EFFORTLESSLY. My Inner Programmer withdrew to lick at his wounds, and I found courage to examine my past and work on the flaws that were causing so many issues in my life. That's not to say that MIP never made a come back. He made a cameo appearance recently, and not once, but numerous times. However, experience helped me identify his presence much faster and deal with it accordingly. Life will always bring challenges, and there are times when I will feel insecure. However, I am learning how to go on despite that feeling of insecurity, to focus on my strengths, and to look forward to be a more grateful, kind, disciplined, patient, and giving person. That's the only way to deal with MIP and his ilk, really. I don't have to be driven by MIP and my character weaknesses. I can be the person I choose to be, as I've written before. I can choose to do the most amazing things, to follow the example of people who inspire me, and to light up the world around me with positivity, generosity, and compassion. Bad traits = bad habits, and bad habits can be fought and even eliminated.

The one good thing that really did come out of my battles with MIP is my ability to recognize when others are going through similar hard times and be able to empathize with them. I have learned to see when people are struggling with self-doubt and to have the kind of patience for that I would probably never have had I not gone through so much with MIP. I've seen strangers and friends push me or others away, while simultaneously trying to hold on in hope that I will recognize what they actually need. It's not easy, but I've learned to become stronger than ever before. It's now possible to help others who are going through the same thing. It's a process. It's a battle. But we're fighting against the same enemy, and eventually, despite individual differences, we all become allies, allies in trying to learn how to live happier, more fulfilling lives. Happiness is an infinite resource, and there's no competition here, only a need to cooperate and be patient with oneself and others.

I will not let my own Inner Programmer win, and to the best of my ability I will fight to keep his minions from dragging down my friends or strangers who are waging that same war. I choose to create my own realities; I choose to affect the world around me in a positive, constructive way; I choose to get what I want out of life; and I choose to do all of that for the good. :)))

Happy and strong,
Irina/Nissan

Turning Into My Mother

2010-07-25T22:45:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am officially becoming my mother.

Somehow, it happened, as I knew (and I guess hoped) it inevitably would. I have complete or almost complete strangers coming up to me and telling me their innermost secrets and issues. I've always been a little envious of my mom (and I guess by extention, grandmother), and wondered what made people trust them like that. But I guess it's like R'Reichman says: "Jews are like Torah. If you love them, they'll reveal their deepest secrets to you". My grandmother's secret was that she was a person of amazing chessed, while at the same time also incredibly strong. So she had the sense of mind to channel her kindness, warmth, giving, and hospitality in the right direction and to resist pressures and bad influences. People opened up to her seeing what an amazing person she was, it just naturally happened. And the same thing was with my mom. She was always ready to listen and try to help as much as I could. One day I realized that I wanted to be just like them, but had no idea how to do that. It seemed insane to be that good. I just wasn't up to it.

I guess it was the mixture of various experience that slowly, almost imperceptibly turned me onto the family track. I've always very much wanted to be my own person, independent, following only the path that my heart told me - but at the same time wanted to reconnect with my roots. It was only after studying for two years with MJE that I came to realize that those roots, they were always there with me. Despite being separated from rituals, my family somehow managed to carry Jewish values through generations of persecution, dispersal, financial losses, and various ordeals. My family's incredible sense of justice, openness to others, hospitality, kindness, giving, and absolute respect for human life and dignity did manage to touch me enough that I knew what it was that I would want to see in my own family one day. The most important heirloom that could have been given to me was my strong Jewish identity and the values and the traditions and ethics that had been preserved so carefully through generations. It's astounding sometimes. I do not know who my ancestors are. I know they are not Kohanim or Levi'im. I am pretty sure I'm not a descendant of royalty or famous rabbis or anyone powerful/important. Most likely, my roots are extremely anonymous and humble. And yet that group of completely ordinary, seemingly mundane and uninteresting Jews managed to preserve and pass on a heritage that people from greater families than theirs have long since lost! I have to say I'm pretty proud for my family.

I've always wanted to know more about my past. I know, it's pretty much irrelevant. First of all, as a woman, I'll take on the "identity" of whoever I wind up marrying, and even the most humble of backgrounds will be irrelevant to the "name" of my future children. Second, let's face it, Judaism has always put much more emphasis on values and righteousness than on social origins. King Saul lost his throne to a humble shepherd, descendant of a convert. Nevertheless, my curiosity was more than just about bragging rights. What's the point of having awesome ancestors, if you yourself are not worthy of your name. But I wanted to see who those people were, what could be learned from them. How did they manage to stay true to their values no matter what life placed their way? Where did all that faith in God come from, and the strength to do what's right?

At my grandmother's funeral, I made a vow that I would pay tribute to her memory by carrying through her values to the next generation. For a long time, I was not sure how to do that, and was struggling with that sense of duty, as with a great burden. But the right time came, and as I gravitated towards learning and self-discovery I found my answer. The best way to carry on what you want to carry on is by becoming the person you want to be, by emulating the admirable qualities you see around you of your own free will, not because anyone's standing over your head and nagging you about it, but because you see the benefit in becoming such a person, because your entire life is testimony to how beautiful certain qualities are, because your soul itself longs for it. If you listen to yourself, eventually you come to hear the truth. It may not always be what you want to hear and the path to becoming the person you want to be may not easy, and in fact, most likely be very difficult. R'Reichman, in response to my question said that the two quick ways of figuring out whether what you're doing is a right way are 1)Whatever first comes to your mind, your gut/"heart" reaction, is most likely the right one (unless it's that of anger and you know yourself to be an intemperate person) and 2) The harder path of the ones available is also probably the right one.

Recently, upon deciding to make a commitment to what I strongly felt to be my duty as a Jew and a human being (my LiveJournal readers and friends will know what I'm talking about), I discovered that it's one thing to do a one-time performance of duty and entirely different to make a commitment of any sort. Commitment inevitably leads to inconvenience, as you struggle to continue doing what you set out to accomplish despite various natural and artificial obstacles, temptations to quit or do something else, and occasionally, even the voice of common sense. Yes, commitment often requires turning away from pragmatic and perfectly understandable considerations. Often, doing the right thing is not at all about heroism. It's about the petty annoyances that are not so much overwhelmingly different, as, well, petty, annoying, and trying to your patience. You discover that doing the wrong thing (which often just implies inaction and silence rather than any active wrongdoing) is easy, while doing the right thing is often just frustrating and inconvenient. It involves giving up personal comfort for the sake of some lofty ideal than many if not most people, either will not understand or identify with. They may pat you on the back for doing it, but you'll encounter little actual support, and most likely you'll be mostly on your own, or you'll find support in the strangest of places. In any case, however, if you're truly committed to walking the walk, none of that will matter in the slightest, which is why, I'm happy to say, I live my life exactly the way I want to in terms of sticking to my principles, and have respect for myself even if I cannot control many of the circumstances in which I find myself.

Being the person you want to be is very rewarding, but sometimes emotionally draining and difficult. You want to speak to everyone about some of the developments in your life, just because that's your way of processing the difficult issues you're doing with, but you realize that most people just don't get you, not because they are bad people but because they've never had to deal with that certain of thing and can understand only in theory, or simply have no interest in that particular issue. You start feeling isolated and find that your companionship begins to shift elsewhere, to people who do actually understand what you're dealing with. With surprise, you find that you start to evaluate the people around you based on a different criteria than ever before, and that people's values start mattering to you more and in different ways than previously. You find yourself suddenly opening up to learning from just about anybody, and discovering that people who you've previously wouldn't consider a paragon for emulation are actually of great value and inspiration to you, and you find yourself learning with greed from the most surprising of sources.

Since a year ago, when I've had an eye-opening conversation with a very close friend, I've found that I've been transforming and growing as a person at the greatest rate since perhaps entering my years of puberty. It's a bit strange realizing that I'm completely comfortable in this new skin, which is not really all that new, since I've been inclined to move in this direction all my life, without realizing that I've been drawn there, or noticing how my views have been shifting slowly over time. I've also learned how to be honest with me. I've always been rather on the introspective side, but after realizing that I am actually turning into the person I've always admired from afar, realized that true progress requires complete transparency and therefore have been opening myself up to self-examination mercilessly. The process is not necessarily smooth, and it's not without its share of confusion. However, I feel very hopeful because after seeing how I can stick to my resolve once and then again, and then again in a different situation/scenario, I'm becoming very sure that in the future I will have the willpower, resolve, faith, and security to continue committing to my principles and overcoming obstacles in my path. That's how it goes.

Honestly, I have no regrets. Yes, the path I have chosen for myself in various ways, it's not the easiest and has its shares of "cons". But it means a lot to me, and my principles and self-respect clearly and easily outweigh any other considerations. As for the rest of my life, all I have left then is to hope for the best, and have faith that right actions will lead to right outcomes for everyone involved and that my commitment will bring me to some sort of good place in the end. I don't always have inner peace. I'm a conflicted, often confused person. But having principles and commitments does give me direction and confidence in at least some ways, so no matter what else I'm doing, I know that at least in some ways I'm doing exactly what I want and should be doing, and that means I could achieve the same result in other aspects of my life as well. I like to feel that I'm a woman of principles, that no matter what it is, I'm rock solid and dependable in certain ways, and even if it seems weird, crazy, and pointless to others, even if some of my choices and decisions seem like unnecessary and archaic sacrifices... I'm content with who I am. And that in itself is worth something. Or at least half of something! ;)

I feel myself becoming stronger than ever before. The more I'm able to give of myself to others and the stronger I can be for others, the stronger I feel in general. I feel like I'm gaining value, that I'm needed, and that even people whose views strongly differ from my own, whose lifestyles are nothing like my own, whose social status is vastly superior, or at least appears to be such, are forced to grant me respect, however grudging. I will reach my goals, not by fear, intimidation, flattery, or browbeating, but through being myself, respecting myself, doing what I feel is right, and refusing to budge from my chosen path, even if the world around me is falling apart. What all too many people lack and badly need is consistency and stability, and that is something that I find myself more and more often in a position to give. I think I actually like who I am becoming! I think I can actually do what I want and be who I want!

I think my vows may not have been in vain... and one day I will become worthy of passing on the family legacy, that has thus far outlasted all the social upheavals and redistributions of wealth, and I'm sure, will continued to do so in the future.

Resolved,
Irina/Nissan

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2010-07-16T13:57:00.001-04:00

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It's All Coming Together Now...

2010-05-10T12:54:00.005-04:00

It's funny, how often we don't understand the true significance of various events in our lives until some time after, in retrospect. Even funnier is that we don't understand our own choices until long after we've made them.

When I set out on a quest to find my Hebrew name last year, I wanted to find something that was meaningful, sounded good, reflected my personality and at the same time gave a more defined direction for the future. "Nissan", after the month I was born in, was actually the first suggestion that I heard, but I dismissed it immediately because I thought that was too obvious, and therefore boring. Interestingly enough, a long and thorough search eventually brought me back to the starting point, and the name, initially meaningless, became meaningful and significant. Doing research on my "real" name led me to see that "Nissan" is actually the exact and most accurate equivalent of the name I was given at birth. My mother did not research the name that she gave me. She said she just liked it. I happened to have a fairly distant relative who had the same name, and her parents came to the hospital while my mom was recovering from a very difficult and life-threatening (for both of us) delivery and tried to force her to find me another name, claiming that if she gives me the name of a living relation, she'll bring bad luck and misfortune on the older person that way. Ironically, the translation of my name means "peace", but from the start it became an apple of discord in the family, casting a shadow over my mother's relationship with those relatives for years to come.

Growing up, I had no idea what my name means. It was extremely common, and to me sounded extremely plain, boring, and insignificant. "Peace" was just such an abstract context. Peace to whom and through what means? If the name was supposed to reflect one's destiny, as I grew up believing, my own name only hid mine from me, and certainly did not reveal anything of any substance. I was never particularly "peaceful", nor did I seek to bring "peace" to others. And I felt bitter thinking that my name was a poor fit for me, and that essentially I was just assigned a label to go by, with nothing behind it except my mother taking a liking to the way it sounded with my last name. When translated to English, it just sounded stupid. I hated it at times, coped with it at best. When the time came to choose my Hebrew name, it was a really big deal for me, because at last I got to exercise my own choice in finding a name that fit me, and perhaps indirectly choosing a new destiny. Or rather A destiny. I thought that someone who had an ill-fitting name could not really be destined for anything in particular, could not have a legacy for the future.

From the start, I knew that I didn't want a stereotypical Hebrew name. I loved my dead ancestors dearly, but all their names were already being used by younger generations or were so standard and common that there was no real point to using them for me, or just did not reflect who I was. That part was very painful for me to realize. Part of the reason I decided to adopt a Hebrew name was the intense longing to strengthen my identity by reconnecting with family roots, something I had wanted to do for many years. Obviously, a Hebrew name would be just the first step. In reality, only by building a strong family with a firm foundation in Jewish and family values and traditions could I fill in some of the gap created by Diaspora and persecution. However, that first step to me was very important and I was hoping that somehow I would come to embody those values that despite all the hardships were passed on from generation to generation. I was very proud of my ancestors for not succumbing to assimilation and managing to carry through the kind of heritage I could be proud to carry on. However, all those men and women who came before me were very different from me in many ways, and faced a very different set of challenges than I'm living.

I come from a line of very strong women with extremely willful and determined personalities... and yet, when I thought of myself, I realized that alone was not enough, that somehow my path would always be different from everyone I ever knew, or heard of, and though I was free to adopt as much from the examples they had set as I cared to, in the end, I had to be my own, independent person and embrace the present and the future in my own unique way. That's how I finally decided that the set of Jewish names that ran through the family was not for me. I would not only be reconnecting with the unbroken chain of descent that was lost in the darkness of time, I would also be building something new and original. It did not suit me to just live in the past.

And so I started looking through other Biblical names, perhaps lesser known ones, that could reflect my own individuality in its full complexity. I wanted a name that was strong, passionate, independent, tumultuous, interesting, and yet feminine and delicate at the same time. And there was no shortage of incredible, inspiring, complex, and spiritually elevated female Biblical characters. I considered everything from Rivka to Yael, Deborah, and Yehudit, and yet none seemed a good fit, despite having awesome meanings, the kind of context any woman could be proud of, and depth of many layers for exploration. However, they were just not for me, did not sound right, and there was nothing I could do about the lack of enthusiasm in connection to all of them. At last I gave up, and started to think a little out of the box. I started looking at various words that could be helpful and could describe my personality. Unfortunately, most names I found were too specific, and at best described only one character trait of mine, which was obviously not enough. I don't think of myself as a one-trait person!

Someone suggested the name "Aviva" since I was born in the spring. I really liked that name, but again it was a little too generic for my taste, and did not sit well. Reluctantly, I decided to do a search on my "given" name to see if that will bring any inspiration. Research yielded some fascinating results. Turned out my name has a bit of a background. I already knew that Irina was a Greek name that came from a fictional ancient Greed deity related to peace. That character appeared in "Lysistrata" as a symbolic girl, whose body parts were divided among various Greek provinces to stand for various territories they went to war about. The whole thing was, in fact, a big joke. Or so I thought. My foraging in various sources revealed that Ireni, in fact, was indeed a legitimately worshipped "deity", who had a cult following. She was one of a host of such deities, and the specific kind of peace she provided was related to economic prosperity. Furthermore, she was associated with the month of April (in which I was born, and which generally coincides with the month of Nissan!) and the law!!! Research about the month of Nissan revealed more interesting associations, such that it was a month associated with leadership and royalty, as well as law (due to Yitzchak's presumed birth on the 15 of Nissan, which also became the first day of Pesach later on), and of course all the things that are generally associated with spring - fertility, rebirth, blossoming, etc. In more advanced research on Chabad's website, I found that it was also associated with the right hand/chesed/spiritual development, and was a counterpart to Sivan (or the month of May or June), and the holiday of Shavuot, the left hand, physical development and progression.

To make a long story short, knowing all that made me realize that the name was a perfect fit and I decided to adopt it, although I was left with some questions. I was not sure what kind of rebirth and rejuvenation the name was bringing about to whom, and how. However, at the time, I was just happy that I finally found something that fits, and went on with my life. With time I became further involved in MJE, going to classes regularly, etc... and one day, sitting in class, I realized that I knew! I knew what my name was hinting at! It was there on the surface from the start, yet somehow evaded me. My desire to reconnect with my family roots... to bring back the strong Jewish identity and culture the way it once was... that was reflect in the blossoming of the spring that my birth and both my names were pointing at...

Stayed tuned for the continuation of that journey of self-discovery and where it will bring me!

(To be continued...)

Exploring,
Irina/Nissan

Here's To New Beginnings!

2010-04-30T14:10:00.004-04:00

I confess, I was inspired to go back to writing solely by what happened to Chana. The whole story was so wonderful, and "the hidden Hand of God" seemed so obvious in this situation, that it was enough to finally wake me up from my internal slumber... and fill me with the desire to write. I remembered how much I loved writing, and how long it's been since I've last expressed my thoughts freely. For a long time, I thought that I would never put my fingers to the blogboard again... But "never say never"!

For a long time, I just could not make myself write a word. There was so much happening and yet so little to say. I had no desire to fill pages after pages with complaints about my personal hardships, when the reality is, there are people who have it much worse out there. I felt ashamed to return day after day kvetching that I could not find a job, when I live safely at home with my parents (and a very nice home it is), when I was far from starving to death, and was leading a relatively comfortable lifestyle, was able to go out with my friends have fun, when I was blessed with returning to Israel in January, and even got to explore Petra in Jordan, when I was able to celebrate my recent 25th birthday in a memorable way, and when life in general, wasn't so bad after all. It wasn't that things were BAD or even especially HARD. I think most of my struggles, really, were with my own assessment of the situation I found myself in. The reality turned out to be very different from my expectations, which led to inevitable disappointment and complaining.

After three years of very hard work in law school, after a summer of preparation for the Bar, when I hardly ever left the house, after finally passing the exams, after devoting months to volunteer work in DA's office, after becoming an extraordinarily active network and job searcher, and sending out my resumes everywhere I could, after transforming myself from someone relatively passive and willing to float along with whatever life threw at me, to someone who was willing to think creatively, out of the box, to put aside all expectations and delusions of grandeur, and who humbled herself in enough to grasp at any opportunity - I was pretty sure that after all that, I deserved SOME job, even if it would just be enough to pay the bills (especially the student loans that I had to defer and which are hanging over me like Damocles's Sword). And yet it kept not happening and not happening. Stagnation. I knew that all of that had to do with the general state of the economy, that many other people were in exact same situation, that it was completely outside my control and therefore not worth worrying about, that I have a loving family and supportive friends who don't care how much money I have, etc, etc... Except that there were still days, when I could see nothing but darkness and gloom, and no words could comfort me.

There were days when I just felt dejected and absolutely worthless, even though deep inside I always knew that my self-worth cannot be measured by my employment status, etc. However, it's one thing saying that to yourself in front of the mirror in the morning, and completely different going to some event where you keep having to explain how is it that you, a lawyer, are not only NOT successful and rich, but in fact, have no job at all, and have had very few relevant experiences since graduating. And while I always had the answer prepared, those words, when uttered aloud, often rang hollow to my own ears. I knew there was no reason to be defensive, that the people who matter don't care, and the people who care don't matter, etc. That the people who passed judgment even knowing what was happening or who weren't interested enough to know about the market and only cared how much money I have were simply not worth worrying about. But imagine how painful it was to see people who did not accomplish half of what I did getting respect and attention and various opportunities. It was extraordinarily difficult not to feel frustration and plain old envy, and I in fact, did just that.

However, I can't say that the last few months were nothing but depression, gloom & doom. On the contrary, even as I struggled with these issues, I tried to be proactive and not just wallow in self-pity. I forced myself to work on my own attitude and on myself as a human being. I tried to engage in my studies at the MJE Fellowship as much as possible and incorporate the ethics and the lessons of Judaism into my own life, to focus on the big picture and not my immediate and temporary discomfort and problems. I have a feeling that actually helped a lot, not every day and not all the time, but it helped me get some center, something I could look up to, when things got really bad. I did my best to find some benefit in everything that happened, and turn it to my advantage. Learning that sometimes, no matter how hard I work, and how much I want it, and no matter what I do, and no matter how passionately I pray, the answer is either "just no" or "no for now, and who knows for how long" was one of the most difficult concepts ever for me to understand, not necessarily because I have a huge ego and sense of entitlement (thought to some extent I'm sure I do), but because I thought that hard work, creativity, and force of one's will power should be enough to overcome any problem and get you what you really desire.

As it turned out, that's simply not the case, sometimes.

And then something happened, something that was in part my own fault, in part other people's fault, in part the fault of the circumstances, and in part just "meant to be" at that time, that left me completely dismayed and devastated for a time. I felt an important aspect of my life spinning out of a control and going in a direction I never thought it could go. Things just seemed really really bad, probably much worse than they actually were, but since I could not really know how bad they were or they weren't, that just made the whole situation even worse. I didn't listen to anyone at the time and refused to give up when some people's common sense might have dictated just that... I felt that if something's important enough for you to try to do the impossible, or even the extremely unlikely, than it's worth trying. It was a time when I was forced to question my motivations, everything I stood for, to question my every belief, and what I was willing to do and go through to achieve my goals. It was not an easy time for me by any stretch of the imagination, NOT because anything particularly horrible was happening, but because I was confronting life and having to choose where choice would mean serious consequences and a lot of investment on a level I've never had to consider before.

This was the time when I was also starting to shift my perspective on things in a slightly different direction. I was learning to trust my intuition more and have to mill through mountains of well-intentioned and logical advice without being swayed. There are few things harder to overcome than well-intentioned advice. I was surprised that I found the strength to function and to go on living my life normally despite everything that was happening, especially in spite of what was happening inside my own mind. That told me that any problem is actually resolveable, albeit not necessarily in the way that I initially thought. But it was certainly possible to separate one particular issue from other issues and not let the seeming importance or difficulty of the situation overwhelm one's good judgment.

Waiting was the hardest part. Not acting. I have very much an A personality; for me, it's not the having to do something that is difficult, it is the having not to do anything at all and allowing other actors to play their role in the scheme of things that is beyond my own planning and my own limited understanding of my own limited role in it.

Do you know how tempting it is to PUSH the events, to try to make things happen, when, for whatever reason, it's just NOT a good time for them to happen? To let go and wait was certainly a bitter pill to swallow.

Paying attention to the details and making the best of them, interpreting and using them to my own advantage was another one. Sometimes what you feel you need or at least desire on some very deep level is not the easiest path. Sometimes there are better, easier paths for you to take. I could have avoided all the emotional turmoil very easily. But something drew me to that particular path, and time showed that it was not just something superficial interest in pursuing a particular direction, not a whim. What was happening was very difficult and painful at times, but also was responding to some inner need of mine, and contributing to my growth and development, although at times it was difficult to articulate how.

All these things are still happening now. I still have not found a job. The crisis I was facing is perhaps a little less critical, or at least, I've gotten enough of my wits back to perceive it in a less critical way, but the core of it is still unresolved. However, out of the darkness of uncertainty, the light of new opportunities is finally emerging. Sometimes, in order to become the person you really want, you have to allow life to break you apart and build yourself up from the pieces into a completely different person, or at least combination of traits. And so, I'm beginning to face the fact that in order to get to where I want to be and to achieve my goals, I may have to explore another tangential direction, that will allow me to build up a new "me", and return to my path with a new outlook and more prepared.

Right now it may seem like I'm in the same place, but inside my mind I'm turning over a page and heading into a different phase, prepared to let life take me in the most unexpected directions, prepared to go where I never thought I'd be going. I don't know what's going to happen or what the outcome is going to be. It may very well be that the new direction will take me somewhere else entirely, that it will force me to reconsider what I thought to be important and to discard important parts of my life. Or it maybe that all of this is happening for a reason and in the end, like parts of a puzzle, it will come together and make some kind of sense. Stay tuned! New adventures are sure to follow shortly!

Excited and open-minded,
Irina/Nissan

P.S. Seeing all those J-bloggers live and in one big group was such a fantastic adventure in itself!

2010 - The Year of the White Tiger!

2009-12-30T23:56:00.001-05:00

The Ox

Sturdy, earthy, no-nonsense – that’s the Ox. Affectionate and easy-going, the Ox can show a fierce temper when agitated. He is neat, tidy, quiet and studious, with a great love of his home. Music can be a great love. Family life and a loving partner are high on the Ox’s priorities. A wonderful loyal friend.

Forecast for 2010 The Ox loves methodical planning and everything working out in the correct time. The Year of the Tiger will throw all this to the wind with it’s fast pace and unexpected developments! People born under this sign may find 2010 a challenge but in a good way. The Ox will have to adapt to new routines, delays and obtacles thrown in his way, but he will be well able for any task and may find new hidden talents and personal power he didn’t know existed. Hobbies, relaxing pursuits and friendships will all be beautifully highlighted during the Year of the Tiger and will provide a welcome relief to any stresses he may face. Home improvements and redecorating plans will move forward smoothly with excellent results. Career opportunities will present themselves from April to June, while exciting, intense romantic encounters are likely in July, August and December. An important aspect for those under this sign in 2010 is to be mindful and caring of loved ones. It will be crucial to listen to them and also to accept any help they may offer during this changeable year.

Interesting Ox Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Aquamarine
Special Flower: Carnation
Best Hours: 1-3 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Green, Yellow, Black

For what it's worth... :)

Excited for new beginnings,
Irina/Nissan

Silence Is Golden

2009-12-14T22:45:00.006-05:00

It was at a party this past summer that I first really stopped to think about NOT speaking my mind.

OK, so to be completely honest, that's not how it really happened, though I wish it did. I got to thinking about what I say and to whom eventually, but most of the time I only come to think about my actions after criticizing the same behavior in others :). The party was the usual type of party scene (Jewish/grad students and young professionals in their twenties and thirties). The group that I came to observe consisted of a group of men and women. They engaged in light-hearted chatter, and eventually came to regale each other with amusing stories of relationships, bad dates, romantic interests and such. Little by little, I noticed that the conversation grew an edge and the stories became harder for me to identify with. One person, in particular, discussed someone who had an unreciprocated interest in him in what I thought to be a rather mean-spirited manner. Identities were not revealed, but I still was not at all happy with the way the person was discussed, because, as far as I could make out from the story, that individual did not engage in any particularly blameworthy behavior but simply appeared to be a little desperate and the narrator was not at all interested. That's all there was to it, and yet here were all these people, none of them close friends of the narrator, who were taking all this in and amusing themselves at the expense of that person.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, that I am far, FAR from innocent when it comes to discussing guys who really, REALLY don't seem to get my lack of interest, even after very obvious signals. However, I have tried to either keep that rather general when in public (unfortunately, there are enough such people to do so with ease) or, if I'm talking about anyone specific it's with friends who already know what's going anyway, because they have either observed what has happened or know that person to have engaged in annoying behavior patterns in the past. I tried to stick to discussing harmful behavior and how we can learn to deal with it or whether there is anything that can be done to get people to combat such temptations rather than just discussing the individual for the sake of being intentionally cruel. But as you can easily guess, once you get started on such conversations, despite my best intentions, they have sometimes strayed out of control, and admittedly have been unkind to some particular individuals in mind. Hey, I'm not perfect. However, let's face it, I would never have come to realize this flaw in my own behavior had I not seen that as an issue in what someone else did!

In any case, after that party incident, I was very much bothered by what I took to be an intentionally cruel tone that the narrator adopted. It seemed to me that the only reason he was telling that story was to make fun of the individual involved and get others, including people he was meeting for the first time, to feel amused and to relate to him on that level. While perhaps I was a little rash to judge and maybe even jumped to conclusions in that particular instance, since I did not know the narrator and obviously could not read his mind nor his actual motivations, chances are I was likely right and, in fact, many people that I have seen before that incident and since have engaged in that type of cocktail hour storytelling completely carelessly and even identifying people involved, so it's not like that doesn't happen.

Afterwards, I expressed my exasperation with what I took to be very juvenile and inconsiderate behavior, as a social problem, to a friend, who thought that I was being a little naive, or at least turning a blind eye to the fact that the phenomenon of such story-telling is considered completely acceptable at the social scene of the type I described. However, just because something is socially acceptable does not make it right, and I decided that the best thing I can do is stay away from people who derive pleasure from such conversations or at least not to get too close to them even if I carry on small talk with them at various social events. I wish things were that simple! Just as I thought that I've learned my lesson, that all I had to do is not go around parties contributing to cruel or thoughtless discussions, something in my personal life reminded me that... things can always get worse, and that while I can certainly try my best to control myself, I certainly cannot control others. In short, I've discovered something about which I previously only heard through the poor experience of others and thus thought to be somewhat of a myth/exaggeration/limited to particular individuals. I discovered the uncontrolled flow of gossip.

I will stop and wait until you finish laughing at me. Have I been living under the rock for most of my adult life? Gossip is just something that happens, and if you don't want to be the subject of gossip, you have to watch your own behavior and your choice of company very carefully. Reputation is precious, and is very difficult to build up and easy to ruin. All that is true... and nevertheless it frustrates me to see how much things of private nature that are not actually hurting anyone can get blown out of proportion or become harmful simply by virtue of being passed from mouth to mouth. And then there are people who will deliberately and maliciously distort certain things to suit their own agendas or to get back at people for somethings, and the rumors snowball and spiral out of control. They wind up hurting not only actual parties involved but their relatives or friends who become privy to these rumors.

And while we can all pretend that sticks and stones can break our bones, but words can never hurt us, that just isn't true. Even thick-skinned and confident individuals can feel vulnerable from time to time, but regardless of that, even, rumors can have damaging effect on one's relationships with others and professional reputations. I will stop now before you all fall asleep or accuse me of being boring and holier-than-thou. I am in no position to lecture anyone on any matter, least of all lashon hora, since I am far from perfect in that respect.

In all honesty, I cannot say that I abstain from gossiping or that I even fully desire to completely abstain from it. (Ahhhemmm) Ideally, there would be no gossip and we'd all treat each other with utmost consideration, never embarrass each other, never lose our tempers or say things in frustration. However, we are NOT perfect, and let's face it, sometimes we just need an outlet to talk about bad experience or to laugh at something. However, I do think it's possible to find some sort of balance between occasional talk therapy with good friends and spreading hurtful rumors about somebody all over the world. I think it's good to just stop and consider this issue at least and think about what I'm doing and try to find where I feel comfortable in terms of saying things or, for that matter, listening to things. For instance, I feel very protective of my friends, and feel personally offended when I hear others saying hurtful things about them, no matter what the context is, or even there is some factual basis for criticism at the core. It may be hypocritical of me to react defensively in such instances but not when it comes to complete strangers, but I've got to start somewhere!

Full disclosure: when I was in junior high, I've had my share of rumors going around me, and whereas I eventually learned to ignore them and not to care, at no point can I say that I actually enjoyed the experience. I thought that with time people would outgrow that type of behavior or I would come to find a more socially developed and enlightened community where this would no longer be an issue. Clearly, however, when you have any community, even if it consists of very enlightened individuals, en masse it somehow stops being so enlightened and starts acting pretty much the same as any crowd anywhere, so the social dynamics in a big group setting will always be different from social dynamics of a couple of good friends in a private setting. That is one factor I did not consider. Human nature is always the same everywhere, and civilization, culture, and enlightenment are mere masks in most circumstances. You have to consciously work on yourself as an individual in order to become something more than just a bunch of primordial instincts under that masks; growing up and reading smart books does not automatically make you a more mature or "better" person.

When that realization finally dawned on me (it sure took me a while to get here, but better late than never!), I decided to use my studies at MJE as a catalyst for greater awareness. I decided to see what I can do to make my own speech, which is to me, a lawyer, a writer, a person whose very name (Nissan) is so closely associated with communication, has been so important and to whom words have always been a precious gift, something truly elevated and meaningful. I tried to take my example from the Patriarchs and Matriarchs, who, as I noticed, were very careful and sparse with their words, and whose speech seemed to very thought-through. It was the last classes where we discussed the role of Speech in Creation, its sanctity, and association with the breath of life that I began to realize how much more I can be in terms of writing, how much leeway I have to use words for the good, to inspire and to control forces around me. I will not always remember to use it in the best possible way, to always make it meaningful and in Divine Image, but I the more I bring what I think of it to the surface, the more it will stick in my mind, and force me to reexamine my actions and my speech and the words that leave my mouth/pen/computer keyboard, and perhaps eventually good use of speech will build up a habit which will certainly make it easier to be on my "best behavior" all the time.

I have the power to communicate articulately or effectively. I can use my talents to make something truly great, or at least useful in some particular way, or I can waste them in empty or even malicious babble and remain nothing more than just another idle thoughtless spinner of superficial tales. Which one will I be? Probably somewhat of both, because I am human, and as I said, sometimes bad date stories and such fare have their allure. But hopefully, the thoughtful side of my communication will always be the dominant one, and whatever gossip I engage in will always have a strictly controlled and limited role of temporary and harmless entertainment. :)

Thoughtful,
Irina/Nissan

Time to Give Thanks

2009-11-26T20:10:00.003-05:00

While things are not always going as I would like them to (see: job search; annoying NY Bar application, various paper-related procedures; job search once again), there is no question that there is A LOT more that I have to be thankful for, and taking a day out of a year to remember some of it is really not all that hard.

First and foremost, I am thankfully alive and in good health, which is clearly the most important thing, much more important than any temporary setbacks that I may have. (Bad economy won't stop me, but being dead... probably would.)

Of course, where would I be, without my family's unending support? And without some REALLY good friends who accept me for who I am, and who are there in me both in good times and when things get difficult? I'd probably be *somewhere*, but that "somewhere" would probably not be a good place.

I am SO thankful that I passed BOTH NY and NJ Bar exams (and already admitted to NJ!!!) I may kvetch about my current underemployed status, but I am really so happy that I'm doing what I love (albeit for free for now), and living my life's dream every moment. I know I will have to go through a lot more to show that I deserve this, but so be it. I am very happy with having this crucial part behind me successfully.

I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful opportunity to learn more about Judaism that I got by being accepted to MJE Fellowship. I am trying very hard to make the most of it, and so far it has more than lived up to my hopes and expectations. I enjoy every moment, and am completely drawn in into the process of studying. I feel that it really does add meaning to my life and provide a good guidance for resolving difficult and everyday situations. Not to mention all the wonderful people that I have met, and the feeling of camarederie and companionship that is emerging from learning together as a group!!!

I am so, so happy about being accepted on Birthright. I'm going in January, and I couldn't possibly be more excited than I currently am!!! There is still a lot left to do in terms of various procedures and preparations, but I am sure all of that will take care of itself in due time.

I am also grateful for all the numerous incredible opportunities and experience I had a chance to participate in this year, from my exciting Bar trip to Eastern and Central Europe to all the various outings, ranging from Shabbat dinners and services to various cultural activities and hang-outs to joyous celebrations with my friends. May there many, many more to come in the years ahead!

Most importantly, I am ever-thankful for being raised with the right values, strong will, and unyielding principles that allow me to withstand the various external and internal pressures that test me time after time, and remain on the path that I have chosen for myself and that feels right for me. The longer I live, the more I see how important it is to have that inner confidence and determination to overcome the obstacles life places ahead of me and to by-pass the various distractions that threaten to block or deter my way to achieving my purpose in life.

Everything will work out for the best in the end, I am sure. Here is to patience to see it all through!!!

Incredibly grateful,
Irina/Nissan

The Happiest Day of My Life

2009-11-08T14:37:00.002-05:00

This Thursday, I found out that I passed the NY Bar. I found that out at work and was so shaken that I could barely move for a few minutes. I had managed to convince myself completely that I failed and would have to take it over... and so when I opened the website and so the congratulatory note, I couldn't believe my own eyes. I was sure it was some kind of mistake. I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm done, that there's no prep work, no need to worry about exams, that I will not be living a nightmare for the next few months, that there IS no do over. I am done.

In many other ways, however, that is just the beginning. Now I am taking on a new role of a professional and becoming what I've always wanted to be. I have such a long road ahead... But it's well worth all the effort. I am a bit overwhelmed right now, but will be celebrating very soon, and hopefully this union will be a good fit and I will serve as a lawyer... as an attorney, for the good.

Oh, and I would not have been where I am were it not for the endless (and not always deserved!) support of my family and friends. Knowing that people believe in you no matter what you think about yourself and are ready to be there for you even if things do not go the way you want them to is like having an extra energy source to draw from. I'm incredibly grateful and blessed.

But oh my goodness, I can't believe this is finally over!!!!!!

Pleasantly astounded,
Irina/Nissan

Patience

2009-11-02T21:49:00.003-05:00

I've never been a patient person. Whereas my mind easily understands tired old adages such as "Patience is a virtue", "Good things come to those who wait", etc., I've found myself lacking in translating the understanding into action. It's just so... hard. Finding patience is a lifelong daily battle that seeps through every aspect of my existence. Lately, having to find patience to deal with the realities I am facing has been especially challenging and stressful. Whether it means adjusting to the political and economic issues of the day, waiting for the Bar results, job search and inevitable financial dependence on my parents, problems with my computer, or just about anything else you can imagine, my ability to wait patiently has been in question.

The attitude "It's not like I have a choice; I can as well not stress out about it" would have come in handy, but it's incredibly difficult to cultivate. No matter how many times I tell myself to wait and not psych out, no matter how I rationalize being patient and not distress, in the long run it doesn't really help, doesn't work all that well at all. I think impatience is part of my inclination and temperament, not just a bad habit, though bad habit has certainly aggravated it. Unfortunately this impatience is badly affecting my Rosh Hashanah resolution to be become a more positive person, to have a better attitude towards life, being grateful for what I have, etc. It's difficult being appreciative and calm and peaceful and in control when inside you feel anything BUT, and when all you want to do is have the things you want HAPPEN ALREADY, gawd.

It's especially difficult for me right now, because I feel torn, unsure of what it is that I actually should or should not be doing. I have delved into studies of Judaism in the hopes that I will learn something from this experience. I don't expect my studies to necessarily fill the gaps in my personal belief system, but I am hoping that I can learn from all the wisdom that has accumulated in Judaism over the ages, and that in applying that to the way I view my life, I will benefit practically, I will become a better, more aware person with more self-control and more ways to contribute. And while I've been able to apply certain things that we have discussed in certain specific instances, which is encouraging... in other ways, I fall far short. I mean, as hard as I try to emulate the Patriarchs and the Matriarchs, and to avoid various mistakes made even by the greatest of Biblical characters... I fall far short, to put it mildly. What made some of the greatest people in the Torah so great was their incredible patience and their faith in God. It's easier to be patient when you have such absolute faith. My faith is... far from perfect. It's not that I *deny* that there is a God, but a lot of the time, no matter what it is that I actually believe, I *still* feel as confused and scared about the future as if I didn't believe in anything at all. I am not sure why that is; perhaps because it is a normal thing to everyone NOT endowed with the gift of prophecy. I mean, not knowing the final outcome makes things pretty uncertain, doesn't it?

On the other hand, I may be getting it all wrong, and the Patriarchs had the gift of prophecy BECAUSE their belief and trust in God was so strong. Whatever the case may be, staying optimistic and hopeful in the face of challenges and uncertainty is a separate challenge all in itself, and having faith in overcoming all the obstacles is not an easy sill to learn and apply, at least not for me. This confrontation with my "character flaw" is coming at a time when I'm facing a personal crisis in the form of a paradigm shift. Imagine living all your life believing in one thing, and having no problem applying that belief of yours to everyone you meet, and then one day, realizing that the way you view things is becoming a contradiction, that you have to resort to SCOTUS-like sophistry in order to explain the duality of condemning certain actions in certain people, while somehow justifying the same things in others. If you are skilled in life in finding exceptions to various rules and rules to the exceptions you can explain away just about anything, find whatever excuse you want, and resolve and placate any doubt or contradiction in your mind. And if you want to law school, that's basically all you learn how to do, so if you don't find yourself doing just that in your daily life in order to make the world around you make a better fit for yourself, consider that you've wasted three years of legal education.

Nevertheless, if I were to be *really* honest with myself... it's sometimes very *difficult* to be truly honest with myself when I'm conducting such manipulations with respect to people I actually know. If I have any personal biases towards individuals and their actions, in questions, be these biases favorable or the opposite, that already creates a problem with applying the ethical rules I try to apply to life consistently, which can only mean one thing... I wind up evaluating *someone* unfairly. How does that tie in into my diatribe about my battle with impatience? Clearly, favorable evaluation of by definition imperfect human beings requires a certain level of patience towards their imperfections. Obviously no one can accept everything. We all draw our own ethical lines, but for some people some things are more important than others, and what one person can tolerate or not even take issue with, someone else cannot.

Essentially, I have the dilemma of seeing people that matter to me in some way act in a way that would ordinarily repulse me or at least condemn those specific actions. But the problem here is, when I see similar behavior in other people, I see those acts in isolation, as well as their actual or potential effects on others, and so I can dispassionately evaluate those specific acts, line them up against what I think is right, and make a relatively coherent assessment. However, with people you know, that is much more difficult, because although you may distance yourself and reluctantly agree that in isolation those acts are not very much different from the way others have done in similar circumstances and for which you've judged them disfavorably for a certain extent, with people you know better you either tend to find excuses and justifications and explanations for why they have acted that way or find nuances that would make what they do somehow better or different, or you cannot ignore the big picture. You know these people as a whole, and that whole colors their individual acts, and their positives outweigh their negatives, or you find some other aspect of their lives as an explanation for that specific instance, and in general, you find yourself tempering your judgment with mercy.

Nothing wrong with that except... except here I stumble into a cognitive dissonance of sort. I try not to look down on others. If I don't like someone's conduct, I either stay away, or try to look at only the positive and not let the negative affect my life. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that I don't make observations about life in general and social trends and individual actions. And let's be honest, there are certain trends that simply peeve me, and I just don't like them, and while I don't *really* pay much attention to them, they are not something I want to emulate, and when I'm surrounded by such tendencies, I do find them somehow inferior to whatever it is I prefer. That's ok, because not everyone can like everything, but to the extent that I stand apart from those who follow those tendencies, that kind of makes it a hypocrite when I embrace people who, objectively speaking, do substantially similar things and follow substantially similar trends for substantially similar reasons in substantially similar circumstances, and I find myself having to bend over backwards sometimes to explain to myself how it is possibly for me to both condemn and excuse substantially similar acts or tendencies at the same time.

I find myself struggling when I know have to be patient with people who matter to me for particular reasons, and sometimes that patience comes in disturbingly easily, and others it comes in very, very hard. I have to admit, I'm... confused. I still do what *I* think is right, and in that I'm completely unbending. If there is something that has not really affected my actions much it's social pressure. Social pressure of all the outside influences in my life is something I do withstand with no problem at all; it is not really a temptation for me, it is not an issue in my life because I am strong-willed enough to pay no heed. I care about my own principles and what works for me and seems right much more so than whatever others think I should be doing in those circumstances. And to the extent that I am free to do what I wish, what *others* are doing is their own personal business and doesn't really matter, I guess. But there comes a point when I get to be sufficiently familiar with certain people that what they do does come to affect my life in OTHER ways. In other words, eventually I am directly confronted with those seemingly unresolveable contradictions in my own standards and how I apply them to people, and I have to think about what really matters and what doesn't.

This is where patience comes in. Because this whole spiel comes down to one and only one underlying factor - my ability to accept others as they are, without wanting to change them or wishing they were somehow different. This is a very painful subject for me to think about because up to recent times I have either been able to brush that aside, or didn't really have to deal with that necessity, or, in fact have been UNABLE to find such acceptance and drifted away from people. And I have to say, I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and right now I'm all mixed up in my head and not sure how much I can or SHOULD be accepting, whether I should be trying to persuade them of my own beliefs, and if so, what arguments should I use to make it work for them without feeling like I'm merely imposing my own likes or dislikes rather than providing a valuable perspective from which others can genuinely learn something helpful.

I know that sometimes I just need to be more patient with people and give them a chance to resolve things their own way and learn their own mistakes. Everyone has his own path, and who am I to say what's really better having never been anyone other than me with my own particular issues. But it's not so easy. Sometimes others are equally mixed in; sometimes they act in contradictory ways and are struggling with issues, and since I can try to encourage certain things over others, it's a choice of what it is that I should accepting as the "more important" part of their personality and ways of lives. I am scared, because while I cannot control others, I can control myself and should be trying to control the way I react to things, and sometimes I just don't know what's going on and what it is I should actually be reacting to...

I guess the only answer that I have to all these questions is... to wait and see.

But waiting is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

Because, let's face it, impatience is all about wanting to be in control.

And letting go of this micromanagement of your own life, and everything and everyone around you, knowing that you're NOT in control and sometimes SHOULDN'T be takes extreme humbleness. Faith balances that out, because faith gives you the comfort of knowing that everyone is in the same position, NO ONE is ultimately in control, only God is. But as I said before, that knowledge, in my head doesn't always translate into True Knowledge, and therefore I feel shaky and uncertain, and my desire to know the future and get a certain outcome (with the best possible intentions, of course) is... basically killing me. :) Fortunately, I have finally gained enough self-awareness to make note of this issues, and finally write it all out here... hopefully, I'll gain the answers with more studying, life experience, and time. But this is one of the biggest issues I have to deal with, and right now my world is filled with confusion.

Waiting,
Irina/Nissan

Never Say Never All Over Again

2009-10-08T21:22:00.004-04:00

I AM BACK!

It's been a while... And I really have no good excuse for not posting. I had a very exciting trip to Eastern Europe (will get to that eventually), I have been involved in a number of activities, working pro bono in KCDA, and in general living life to the fullest.

The holiday season being almost ever, it's as good a time as any to give in writing a quick reassessment of where I stand as I face the next Jewish year.

If there's one lesson I've learned, or at least SHOULD HAVE learned, by now is never to say never. Every time I vow that I'll never do this or that life puts me in the very situation where I wind up doing precisely that. Five years ago, I wrote the following post:

The World's Oldest Question

Take a quick look, and then come back. Because after five years.... I wound up taking an almost-complete turn around as a Jew, and I'm sure I've changed a great deal in other respects as well.

* I am now quite familiar with the workings of Orthodox services, and am a regular at Shabbat services at MJE.

* After taking a series of classes on Basic Judaism, I've familiarized myself with most Jewish holidays, and have participated at least to some extent in many of them in the past couple of years.

* I've adopted a Hebrew name when I felt the timing was right.

* While I still am conflicted about the balance of Jewish vs. secular education in my unborn children's lives, I've been embracing it myself with much fervor. In fact, I've decided to commit myself to the year-long MJE Fellowship, which requires of us to go to Judaism and Jewish philosophy classes twice a week for two hours each night. We will have about four hours of reading each week, quizzes, homework, etc. We will be going to luncheon programs, shabbatons, meetings with other rabbis and philanthropists, and mentoring other members of the congregation. I am very excited, but this is also a huge commitment, because to complete a program we cannot miss more than 10 classes. Any serious commitment is to some extent a sacrifice of free time and other opportunities, but at the same time taking on such a responsibility and such an enriching learning experience is a very exciting challenge, and for someone like me, who has a passion for learning, this will be a very meaningful and fulfilling experience as well. I feel so fortunate to be presented with such an opportunity, the kind of opportunity my family has not had in generations. The fellowship comes at a point in my life when everything seems to be hanging on a thin thread. I will be finding out my Bar results in about a month, and I try not to imagine the worst, just take things as they come. My pro bono work allows me some flexibility in schedule, but if and when I get a full time job, balancing day work and the fellowship will become much more difficult, without a doubt. Nevertheless, now is probably the best time for me to take it on. I am no longer tied up in school, and later on, when I'm deeper involved in my professional activities, I will have significantly less time even then now, so I'll have to make the best of what I have.

* Which brings me to another matter - pro bono work. Five years ago I was still bitter from my questionable high school experiences and would not even hear of helping "the community" for free. And now that's exactly what I am doing, in my own way. Granted, my motivations aren't necessarily completely altruistic, but the result is still the same, and the fact that I no longer feel offended at the concept signifies a great paradigmatic shift in my mind. I've done a lot of pro bono work in law school as well, and I have a feeling that even when I'm working full-time and actually PAID for what I'm doing, I'll still be finding ways to help people money without monetary compensation.

* Most importantly, however, I am no longer an agnostic. I identify quite certainly as a Jew, albeit not an "Orthodox" one, whatever that means. I practice to the extent that I feel comfortable with, but what I do, I do voluntarily and sincerely, not for the sake of some dubious relationship or because of communal peer pressure but because I feel it's the right thing to do. I am still a skeptic; I still question everything; I still take an intellectual approach to everything around me, and exploring Judaism for me means acquainting myself with the depths of it, with various interpretations and commentaries, and philosophies. I am not someone who can be satisfied with the literal surface level. I recognize and embrace the rich tradition that has brought us where we are today, and find that although I'm sure there will be times when I vehemently disagree with what I read, I have much to gain from the process of learning, as well as from the wisdom of great thinker who contributed to this tradition.

* Contrary to my earlier fears, I remain very far from passionless and dried out. And that is because I do what I do of my own volition, freely, with interest and love. No one is forcing me to do anything, quite the contrary. I am drawn deeper and deeper to discover and understand and explore as much a I can. Law school taught me a better control of both my emotions and my faculties, though many of my flaws will remain a life-long struggle. However, that does not mean that I turned into an emotionless mummy. In addition to my theological expeditions, I continue to participate in political/diplomatic/Zionist/secular Jewish events and activities, and of course, delve into as many of my other numerous interests as is humanly possible. And the more I explore, the more I find remaining to be yet untouched by my presence, and for that reason, tantalizing. There are not enough hours in the day, and life is indeed too short, but I try to stay positive and embrace the opportunities I see to the greatest extent possible. Some may even call me hyperactive, but I call that living an interesting, meaningful, and sentient life! Thus my worst fears did not materialize, and my earlier angst has given way to a dogged intent to dig deeper, learn more, embrace as much of life as I can, and rise above... well, above whatever I can. I challenge myself every day, and I allow others to challenge me, and to show me new paths and new opportunities to learn and be creative. For all its blows and unexpected turns, life is a beautiful thing, and gaining a certain perspective only makes me appreciate it more. I believe in G-d. I cannot rationally explain every step of me coming to believe, nor do I blame people who claim to be atheists. But I can say as much - my views stem from my awe and admiration of the world around me, and whether you use scientific terminology, or religious, or philosophical/humanistic lexicon, in the end, it's all the same thing.

* I have my struggles, many of them, both internal and external, but there are many days where I can see that I've come a long way, and that as of now, I'm well on the path to becoming the person I want to be. It's not an easy process; no one's every promised me that it will be. But it's ok. Deep in my heart, I like it that way. I need to be challenged constantly, or I get restless. I need to feel like I'm juggling too many balls at once, and am on the verge of dropping a few!

So this is where I stand... there is much work to be done, and I'll be writing about all those things soon enough. It's good to be back.

Excited,
Irina/Nissan

Valium Is My Color of Choice

2009-08-06T22:16:00.003-04:00

The exams are finally behind me and I'm trying to make as much use of this very needed break as possible.

Last weekend I sneaked off with my mom to see "Next to Normal", a hilarious yet thought-provoking musical Broadway show about one family's attempts to deal with mental illness. I really enjoyed the memorable rock music, the funny lyrics, the excellent acting and singing, although as with most musicals, the story line was a little trite. However, the way it explored dealing with bipolar disorder and the trauma that triggered it (which I will try not to uncover for you), was nuanced and sophisticated, I thought. The reality is, there are no simple answers in life and not everything can be labeled and put on neat little shelves. I mean, we can come up with all sorts of definitions for various extremes - psychosis, "clinical" depression, legal insanity - but it won't really change the reality - that we don't really know what the ideal "normal" person is, and what's to be considered a quirk, an amusing eccentricity, or what's to be treated. Not everything that is considered harmful or excessive or insufficient or vastly off the bell-curve is or should necessarily be treated.

And at what point can we really say that something is a "quirk" as opposed to a "normal" part of personality? Based on statistics?

Some quirks, I'd say are less harmful, than some "normal" character traits. So what's considered "acceptable" or "normal" is often very debatable, that's clear.

But this is just scratching the surface. Let's say you really do have a serious problem and want to get treated. Sometimes the treatment is as bad or worse as the symptoms. And sometimes, nothing seems to works, as in the show, and no matter how hard you try, the issue is not being resolved in any satisfying way, and all you can do is try to cope. Sometimes, there are no answers. While it's clear that self-harm and harm to others are BAD and signs of illness, etc, SHORT of that, it's kind of hard to control behavior in such a way as to create an "ideal" person with no ill effects in some other aspect of his or her psyche/behavior. And then you have the chronic cases, the people who try all sorts of treatment for decades on end, and still come up short of perfect answers, and are still grieving, despite all the time in the end, or still insecure about SOMETHING, or still obsess with certain things, or keep on reacting in the same unproductive ways to the same stimuli, no matter what treatment they get.

Most interestingly, however, is the attempt to apply medical "treatment" to the core aspects of one's personality, or treat as illness issues that are essentially moral or issues of choice or aren't really meant to be treated because, they are just part of life and there's really nothing "wrong", they are not a disease. Some things that are really meant to be resolved on one's own after a certain point become part of an endless cycle of therapy, and people as a society come to view therapy as something necessary to deal with shocks, traumas, and "issues", and consequently, become to some extent *dependent* on other people sitting there and being paid to listen and nod along and form a function that their friends would otherwise provide or which people would contemplate on their own. It's considered unhealthy "not to seek treatment" the minute something bothers you... but I'm not sure it wouldn't be so unhealthy to encourage people to seek their own more individual approach to deal with stressful or traumatic issue. I'm not entirely convinced the outcome wouldn't be the same or better than with the current rate of medical and therapeutic treatment here.

In the end, there is no cure for life. In the end, I think the problem IS in that people are excessively controlling towards each other and exercise too much peer pressure over what is to be the paragon of mental health, instead of showing support and consideration when the need arises. We are expected to grieve appropriately, for an appropriate period of time, or else if we don't show ENOUGH emotion, we are berated for that, depending on the social trends. Whatever the case may be, individuals deep inside may know best what their need requires at that time, and excessive intervention does often prevent us from getting to the bottom of whatever it is that is bothering us.

How many times have I heard from people who claimed to know what's best for me telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing? Just because most people are doing something and it's normal statistically doesn't mean it's in any way beneficial for the particular individual or society! Same goes with medical treatment. Something that has been "approved" and is considered normal and used in conformity with the standards of the medical community may not necessarily be the BEST treatment, and may not be right for a particular person. But to do with those outlying cases that just don't fit? What about those people, who somehow manage to function, despite doing every wrong and unhealthy thing that society discourages?

I mean, obviously, if you leave ENTIRELY in your own world, and completely disregard all social norms either purposely or because you simply can't understand and appreciate what those social norms are... you will most likely have a problem functioning. But as long as that's not really the case, I think people will most likely be ok somehow in the end, if they are encouraged to be ok. I know this sounds very "hard" on people, but what I'm trying to say is that there is more to dealing with problems and mental health than just the medical or psychological aspect of it. There's more to it than just understanding the trauma, and sympathy, empathy, analysis of the underlying health issues, or even drugs. I think there's also the problem of not thinking ENOUGH of how one's potentially harmful behavior affects the person's family and friends in real life. There has to be a balance between security and independence and care for other human beings... because, really, an excess of both creates a very unhealthy cycle, and for some reason, people who are undergoing "traditional treatment" somehow manage to err on one side or the other.

I mean, I think what my gripe is that some people really DO have very clear medical issues and need help of PROFESSIONALS, because of chemical imbalances, or VERY SERIOUS traumas (sex abuse, accidents leading to amnesia, witnessing or being part of terrorist attacks or very violent crime, losing children, etc.)... but short of those extreme symptoms, life is... life, and it's occasionally harsh and painful, and yet I see that a lot of relatively minor ISSUES and SYMPTOMS are being treated as if they were as major as the above-mentioned situations, which kind of delegitimizes those extreme traumas and makes everything into this whole big trauma, and creates a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy, where people are expect to react to minor issues or even serious but not SUPER-serious issues as if they were something EXTREME.

I think, in the end, though, no professional can actually get into an individual's head. And no drug can resolve EVERYTHING that goes on in a given person's life. I've read some heartwrenching PostSecret cards where people felt abandoned, broken, dehumanized, or absolutely worthless; some people who were suicidal or were suicide survivors. And, sometimes, I just can't understand what could POSSIBLY be so bad that the person would think of ending it all? In the end, no matter how bad it gets, we have a choice to create some good in the world, and that alone, doing good for the sake of helping avoid further trauma makes it all worth it even if everything else is going totally awry and is completely out of our control (though usually that's not nearly as bad either). I'm not trying to judge; on the contrary, I'm thinking of a way of trying to reach out to whoever went through such a period. I think, it's possible to enjoy life independent of other people or what they think of you or how they treat you, even though undoubtedly, other people are a very important part of one's life, and loneliness is very difficult and horrible. But I think once you force yourself to act and do things for others, you tend to focus on your own loneliness and pain less, and it just gets better, not because anything outside changes (although it probably will, since your own actions affect your life), but your perception also changes. No matter what horrible things others do to you, they can't reach the person you're inside, because only you have the power to choose the way you react to what happens. You can choose to see goodness despite the pain and the filth, and not to repeat the horrific actions of whoever caused you pain.

Yet, none of this is easy, and some people grow up not knowing any sort of security or stability or friendship, and for whatever reason that continues and continues, and they are never taught "normal" ways of coping and dealing with pain and trauma, so at some point they just get overwhelmed and want the quickest and seemingly easiest way out thinking that their death will affect no one. (I won't even go into teenagers and hormones, etc. That's pretty obvious.) Some people just have sad, sad lives, which coupled with predispositions, and chemical imbalances, and various triggering events creates horrific scenarios, objectively escapable and manageable, but subjectively overwhelming. And then there are other people, who seemed to have been leading totally normal lives until something horrible happens, and they just snap and are no longer capable of dealing with that the way "most" people probably would. I have no idea how and why some people "break" under such circumstances and others don't. I don't know why people heal in such different ways from each other. I don't know what it is that made some Holocaust survivors embrace faith, and others to reject it, what made some of them active in telling their stories, while others hid and sought to flee from their past, why some embraced their heritage with a passion, while others became insecure and self-loathing. I think individual circumstances combine in extremely intricated and complex ways, and I think no one psychologist or psychiatrist can unravel it all completely.

But sometimes, it helps to take an outside look on how confusing and complicated the whole picture may seem, and laugh. Sometimes that's all you have, your sense of humor.

Normally abnormal,
Irina (Nissan)

Living, Laughing, Loving

2009-08-04T20:37:00.002-04:00

I've been tagged by A Bit of Light to write about the 7 things I love, which is very appropriate because I'm finally done with exams and feel very happy and loving indeed! :)

1. I LOVE having my life and freedom back, and the ability to enjoy so many different things. I have a tremendous number of interests, and while it's often difficult to pursue all of them at the same time, it's so great to be interested in so many things and always having something that adds passion to life. That means I can talk to practically anybody about practically anything, and if I don't know about something, that gives me an opportunity to add yet another interest to my ever-growing list and do some more research and exploring!!! And now that I don't have to worry about studying, I feel more liberated to give justice (no put intended) to the things I love!

2.Long walks on the boardwalk or pier when it's snowing. That may seem like a very strange "interest", but it's so beautiful when no one's around and you have all the water and all that long strip of land all to yourself. And the beautiful snowflakes falling over you, and the thick gray sky, and the clouds of fog in the distance all work together to create a very special feeling, a feeling that you have all to yourself, your own private secret. I miss that so much; I haven't done that in ages. I can't wait till it snows again in order to go out there and walk along the ocean, losing myself in the snow, the fog, and the solitude!

3.Surprises (good ones, preferably) - I love not knowing what the day may bring. Although I may seem like the kind of person who sticks to stability, schedules, rules, and lists, I actually like a nice doze of unpredictability thrown in, and especially lately, have come to appreciate the little twists and adventures that may spice up a seemingly mundane and fairly boring day. But I also like surprises in other respects. For instance, I prefer not to know what presents I'll be getting for birthdays or holidays; I like the surprises that travel brings me, and not really knowing exactly what we'll be doing, and being pleasantly surprised by people, whether they purposely try to surprise me (*sigh*, that hardly ever happens unfortunately) or whether I'm just surprised by the discovery of something new and exciting about them.

4. Different songs for different occasions and moods - Music is very important to me, and I have a constant soundtrack running through my head. It soothes me and calms me done when I'm agitates me, and in general it's such a big part of my life, that my life seems to be part of some grandiose musical show. No matter what happens in my life, I can't help but think of some song, tune, or melody that is appropriately tied in, and then it either runs through my head or I have to find it and listen to it until the mood changes. I'm not even sure whether the music reflects my mood, or whether my mood comes to reflect whatever pops up in my head.

5. Small things - as I grow older, the small things people do or say to each other seem to matter more and more, and I truly come to appreciate the saying "the devil is in the details". I think maybe that means I'm becoming less centered, by gaining that new ability to appreciate small things, rather than just expecting grand gestures from everyone around me. But it makes me feel so good when I see that someone puts in effort to choose one's words carefully for the best possible effect or little matters of politeness, like people holding doors for each other, or trying to be helpful in some small, but unexpectedly pleasing way. I think these small actions of considerate, thoughtful, and sweet people make the world a better place much faster than any global action any world leader may have taken. You know, I think it may be a hatching professional inside me, because small things show that you actually care enough to think of those details, and it's very important in one's professional sense, and I think having engaged in the kind of environment that forces you to think about that, carries over into ordinary life and helps me appreciate the important of thinking through what effect even your smallest actions may have on others around you.

6. Intelligent, witty conversations - I love words, and language. I read a lot, a lot, a lot, be it legal "literature" until recently (I'm on a much-needed break from it all for a while), or good reads, or classical literature, and have come to appreciate the importance of speech, expression, and communication. I myself have been very much drawn to speech and verbal self-expression since a VERY young age and that has actually come to define my direction in life. I love the sharp witty humor of intelligent comedies and especially appreciate films with excellent, unusual dialogue. I love aphorisms and thought-provoking sayings, and I love outstanding personalities with razor-sharp tongues, even if I don't necessarily agree with the substance of what they are saying. Such people, inevitably, DO have substance to what they are saying, and the form, as it turns out, has an incredible bearing on the substance at times. I love interesting conversations with my friends, and I love meeting people who are very articulate and intelligent. (As a matter of fact, by the way, I do NOT consider our current president articulate in the same sense as the people I appreciate. They make me want to sit there and listen eagerly, with my breath drawn, to their every word, even if I engage in a sharp, heated debate immediately thereafter). I love verbal duels and the matching of wits and minds. That's why, I think, legal environment drew me in very early on. I think there's probably a higher concentration of that particular type of intelligence in this profession than anywhere else, although, of course, the truly outstanding minds are always very rare and shine among crowds.

7.Fairy tales - I love magic, and fantasy, and fairy tales, and imaginative, creative stories, not just as a means of escape from reality (that never really works), but because I have the type of mind that is especially responsive to symbols, analysis, hypotheticals, and alternative realities.... and there's just something really beautiful in connecting to other worlds where anything is possible and there are no boundaries to one's imagination.

Now that I've shared some of the loves on my mind right now, I can't wait to hear some of yours...

I tag...

Passionate Life
Jack
Chana
Sarah
Mary Bishop
Scraps
E-kvetcher

Lively and liberated,
Irina (Nissan)

Solitary Confinement

2009-07-17T22:44:00.002-04:00

Having no life means I'm on track.

I haven't been anywhere in weeks, and haven't even set foot outside my apartment in several days, which in itself very depressing.

All day I just study and take short breaks for food and brief moments of rest. I study until I feel that I can't absorb anything anymore. My only respite are the few solitary hours in my room late at night, one-on-one with the Internet. That's my connection to the outside world, to other candidates sharing their tales of woe of bar preparation, and to all the fun I'm missing while I'm spending weekdays and weekends cooped up behind piles of books, flashcards, notes, outlines, and other legal paraphernalia.

The result will be worth it.... all I have to do is keep my eyes on the ball. Sometimes I forget about everything except for the task at hand. I feel like an empty shell of my former shell.. and only late-night online-chats with a select group of friends reminds me that I'm still me, a human being, and not just a bar-reviewing machine. It'll be over soon, and then I can rejoin normal life... but sometimes I feel like I'll never catch up, like all these moments that I've missed being out there participating in what's happening in the world at large put me miles behind everyone who's not taking the Bar....

The end is in sight. I can't wait to get this over with.

Determined,
Irina (Nissan)

It's A Marathon, Not A Sprint

2009-06-23T23:24:00.004-04:00

I've been buried in mounds of papers, flashcards, outlines, books, and drudgery that is bar review reality. I haven't been out and about in weeks. It's just as well since the weather is mostly unwelcoming, plus I've been ill with some throat-related infection. Nevertheless, I'm surprised to admit it, but bar prep is NOT as bad as I expected. Maybe because for the first time since my first year of law school I feel like we are all in this together, regardless of our job status, background, niceness, or anything else happening in our lives. It's a lot of work, it's boring, it's tedious, at times frustrating, and nothing that I would like to repeat any time soon, or ever for that matter... but it's not HORRIBLE. As of yet, I have yet to actually cry over anything bar related, so either I've grown tougher over the years, or, this really is just mind-numbing but relatively painless stuff that has to be done. Having said that, I can't wait till it's over and am looking forward to having my life back. My time is not my own and if I do something remotely fun over the weekends, I feel guilty about it.

My afternoons are filled with bar preparations. I go to the lectures for a few hours, then I go to the gym (or at least I used to before I got really sick and have been trying to recover ever since), then eat something, and hit the books until dinner break. And then a few more hours of studying, then chilling on Facebook and/or chatting with whoever is online until it's time for bed. I also manage to get some recreational reading done on the subway on the way to class and back. Every day is kind of the same, but as everyone I know keeps telling me, it's a marathon, not a sprint. So I guess, it's good to have a routine to stick to, and also not to run out of breath too early on. In any case, I'm slowly but steadily making my way through the material, and I'm sure at some point it will all come together.

I've done a couple of restful things in between, like taking a day off in the city with friends when the weather allowed it (once), and celebrating people's birthdays occasionally (life doesn't stop just because I have a bar coming up), but for the most part, nothing really exciting has been happening in my life. I'm really committed to this thing and am trying my best to stay in the bar review state of mind. Occasionally, the material gets especially tedious, and then it's hard not to daydream, but I figure that as long as I force myself to stick to a routine in form if not substance, I'll manage my way through the distractions and get back on track. Which I inevitably do. I'm kind of getting used to the fact that I'm constantly playing catch up and that most of my most aggressive and productive work will be accomplished in the last two weeks before the exam, just as everyone has been telling me.

In the meantime, I've been so busy with this stuff, that I haven't really had time to engage in too much whining and self-abuse. In other words, even My Inner Programmer has been lulled to boredom by the routine of my bar preparation and hasn't been causing any trouble. However, I've also noticed that another internal "voice", which I've had for many years, but which has been relatively quiet, has been in fact growing stronger. Strong enough that whenever MIP even dares to stir inside my frazzled mind, out it comes, sarcastic but reasonable as always, my protector and defender, my... Inner Lawyer! That's right, as I've been coming closer and closer to becoming somebody's or everybody's Outer Lawyer, my inner attorney, nice, soft, and fuzzy, has been gaining strength as well, and becoming my inner, um, firewall, against the annoying bearded geek with a laptop who's been harassing me for years and making my life miserable. The thing about the Inner Lawyer is he's actually NOT the only one of my official imaginary cheerleader team. I only get his help in certain situation.

You see, the Lawyer is actually a composite of various Voices of Reason in my life, mostly a few of my good friends, and therefore, while his voice is distinct from each of them because it's a composite, it also rings an oddly familiar bell so I only hear from him in the situations where I would otherwise seek my friends' advice. The Lawyer is a problem solver, so he doesn't do the sentimental emotional stuff except to tell me to calm down and to put things in perspective (again, rationally). He's supportive, calm, and pleasant but he's not one to turn for gossip or a hug.

If I need comfort, I then "connect" to my Inner Grandparents (who've actually all passed away, and are thus hopefully floating somewhere out there as spirits, and not just in my head), and listen to their words of wisdom, advice, or at least what they probably would have said to me had they actually been hear to listen to my tale of woe. I wouldn't run whining or sobbing to the above-mentioned friends. I would come to them either for specific advice to a specific problem, general ruminations on an ethical situation, or input about a complication that needs resolution, or maybe to perform a postmortem on some event or situation which, for better or for worse, has already transpired. Occasionally, I may hear a comforting word from them, but being tissues/pillows/psychotherapists is not their function. Their help is that of the logical, life-affirming, realistic kind that actually gets me somewhere in terms of direct action.

In any case, my Inner Lawyer is the exact opposite of the scruffy, wild-eyed, jittery-fingered Inner Programmer. The Lawyer is sleek, collected, thoughtful, and assertive, and comes with a legal pad rather than a laptop (yes, I know, almost everyone has a laptop in REAL life, but this is ME we are talking about. I don't have a laptop, and neither does my Inner Lawyer, obviously! Bear with me!) The best thing about My Inner Lawyer, however, is that he's always, ALWAYS on my side. Even when he criticizes me, I know that he won't just dump me there, that he's trying to help, and that most likely his advice is good, reliable, and RIGHT. You might wonder, by the way, why are all those inner geeks and professionals males, when I myself am decidedly NOT.

Well, the reality is, um, er, actually I have no good explanation for that, except having a catfight inside my head would be very unhelpful at any point, and most especially now, but I always did like me a good duel. :D That's about the only explanation I can muster. But don't worry, My Inner Lawyer does have a female assistant who actually sounds very much like me, and usually comes out when I'm not in the mood for the Lawyer's tough, no-nonsense attitude, but when I don't feel like sharing with my grandparents either. She's reasonable but gentle and she knows the way to coax me into doing the right thing in the situation. She knows that I really like to be coaxed. And the guy, well, he has no patience for any of that and just tells it like it is. Which is refreshing and helpful, but doesn't always work, or at least not when I'm in the mood to be coaxed. :D We all make a good legal team. By the way, if you think I'm totally nuts, well, it'll be a bit hard to dissuade you but...
1) None of those people actually ever appear to me in any physical sense, and I know they are completely made-up representations of my inner world.
2) They don't tell me to go and kill whoever I'm angry at. Even MIP is not murderous, just annoying. As for the legal helpers, they only tell me to do GOOD things, just like my friends would, so it's all safe.
3) Um, guys... whatever works. We ALL have inner voices running through our minds, I just happen to be a particularly creative and visual person and like to make up stories about them. That's why I have a blog. SO... relax. No need for straitjackets just yet. Let's wait till after the bar! :D

In any case, I feel much more in control of myself than ever before, or at least in a long time, and it's all good. Now I just had to get through all this and the sun will come out again on this blog!

Tired but determined,

Irina (Nissan)

Nissan

2009-05-28T23:37:00.006-04:00

Five years.

It's been exactly five years since I've started this blog. So much has happened in my life and in mind since then that if I were to try to summarize it right now, I would not be able to do it justice... so I'll save the overview for a more appropriate occasion.

I've been away for over a month. I was very busy, having to deal with finals, graduations, birthdays, namings, various illnesses, and everything in between... But I've also been going through a period of inner turmoil that had to do with several sudden realizations and the inevitable growth pangs as I'm getting ready to start yet another stage in my life.

Right now, I'm studying for the Bars, which I'm set to take at the end of July. It is a very busy, stressful, and somewhat overwhelming time in my life, and that is the only focus of my existence for the time being, until it is all over. I'm sure I'll be just fine. After all, despite my fears and repeated nightmares, I did manage to graduate with no problems... and I actually have a study plan... and really, Bar prep is not nearly as numerous (current) attorneys have led me to believe. It's a lot of drudgery and information overload, but most of the stuff I've already seen in law school, and it's more about discipline and organization than any rocket science skills.

That's the story.

So what's been happening while I was away?

Well, after I wrote my last entry, I decided to pay tribute to my New Year's Resolution, which was to adopt a less whiny and more joyous attitude to life, and celebrated my 24th birthday with my friends and family that weekend. The family part of the celebration took place at home, as usual. For the other day, we had a delicious dinner at THOR, and after some adjustment in the cast of characters, went dancing to the Bulgarian club Mehanata, which featured assorted Eastern European music and lots of bright shiny lights. Things did not go as expected, actually, and believe me, that was for the best... I forgot all about my previous second thoughts on dancing in public and had the time of my life... and really, everything was so wonderful that trying to sum it up in words will just take away from the awesomeness of the experience.

Only a couple of weeks later, another very important occasion followed. I finally chose a Hebrew name, and it was made official at the Shabbat morning services at the Manhattan Jewish Experience on May 9. I was not alone, but shared this wonderful moment with three other people, two of whom were very good friends. (Yes, one of them was Red Tulips!) I had initially revealed my name during my birthday celebration, but it was quite an awe-inspiring moment for me to stand there and receive my new name properly. Ah, but I haven't told you what the new name is... My Hebrew name is Nissan bat Shlomo. I chose the name after the month I was born (I was born on the 29th of Nissan). And while for many people that name holds no associations other than the name of the Japanese car, for me it is laden with layers of meaning, as I spent many months researching the name. It was actually the very first name suggested to me, but I dismissed it initially, since it seemed to be a singularly male name, and besides I wanted to do more research and be sure that the name would be the perfect name.

However, as time went on I began to despair, because nothing, absolutely nothing seemed to fit. The matriarchs did not really seem to apply. Other women of the Bible seemed to possess certain qualities that I wanted my new name to reflect, but nothing seemed to resonate with the very essence of my personality. I asked people on FB and my blog readers to give me suggestions, and after gathering a good sample of beautiful Hebrew names, I gave up and decided to give the matter a rest. But indeed there came the right time, as people have warned me there would, and the name came to me after a meandering search which started with someone's suggestion and took me in all sorts of unexpected directions, finding a surprising link to my actual given name, Irina, and in general informing on the very fascinating and complex circumstances of my birth according to the Jewish calendar. At some point, I will devote a post explaining exactly how I came upon my name and what it means specifically, but let's just say that when the right time I recognized it immediately with the kind of shock that one only gets when one comes across What Is Meant To Be... and that is how I knew that the name belonged to me, and I belonged to that name. There is yet another post awaiting you on how I feel about Destiny and What Is Meant To Be, and all these things (since my views on that issue have shifted over the years), but again, that will have to wait for another post.

The fact that I finally found my new name brought me much joy because it strengthened my ties to the Jewish community and made me feel much more part of the community rather than someone merely observing from the outside. I no longer felt like an impostor faking my way through the rituals. There is something about assigning myself a meaningful name that gave me my own place. It is a choice that I made consciously and for very specific reasons, those of teshuva, and not just an accident of circumstances or a mere whim. I admit some of my initial contacts with the observant community were based on mixed motives, some of them genuine, and others, well, somewhat dubious, but for the first time I was actually actively CHOOSING something and declaring myself as a particular person and a particular Jew in front of the entire Jewish community, everyone who knew me, the whole world, even G-d. It was my point of no return. I don't know where life will take me from here, but there's no going back to where I was a few years ago. I'm in a new place now. And I stated that.

I also felt that in a way, I was finally paying the tribute to my grandparents, the kind of tribute they deserved - seeing their granddaughter grow up to be openly, actively, unapologetically, and unequivocally Jewish, and choosing to return to her roots and traditions, on her own and for her own sake, without any prompting or pressure from anyone. This was my way of doing what they themselves could not do. My grandparents all had been given Jewish names at birth but could not use them openly, at least outside of the family circle due to the extreme circumstances in the places they have lived. (The Ukraine, Russia, and Vilna, later Vilnius/The Soviet Union). And I had promised to my grandmother at her funeral that I would become the kind of matriarch, the kind of rock, and role model to my future family that she was... For a long time, I was not ready, until I started to feel that the time was coming to start actualizing that promise... and I knew that the only way I could do it would be by embracing the traditions of the family, of going back to what initially made the family so strong, its Jewish identity that somehow made it, albeit in a somewhat masked form, through the generations of conflict, persecution, hiding, and dispersal. So when I was standing there in front of the Rabbi and the chazzan who were reading the blessings in Hebrew and English, the traditional blessings normally given when the Torah is taken out to mark the naming of a Jewish baby girl, I knew that this was so important for me because I was not just doing this for myself but for my ancestors and for the generations that will follow from me. I was making myself into a strong link in the generations of Jewish history. It was joyful for me. I knew that my name was very different from what most people would have chosen, but I've always walked a slightly separate path and done things my way. Yet I was there, perhaps and oddball, but very much THERE, with the rest of my nation, sharing its fate.

And when I went to the seemingly unending tedium that was my law school graduation ceremony I was also not doing it just for myself, because frankly, during those hours I would have preferred to be anywhere in the world BUT Madison Square Garden Theater. I wasn't just doing that to please my parents, although, there is no question that it would have been rather beastly of me not to acknowledge their incredible support during all these years, and all that they have done for me. I wasn't just doing that to torture my friends, although I admit it, misery loves company, and I felt better just knowing that they were sharing in the torture, and exchanging amusing yet desperate text messages during the worst parts of it. Part of the reason I was there was also for my grandparents, particularly my grandmother who wanted to be a lawyer, but that was not to be due to the anti-Semitism. Again. She would have made an incredible attorney. If anyone had the personality for that, it was she. And she was the first, and for a long time, only one to recognize my secret dream, even when I myself was in denial about it and did not see it. She was the one who gave me unconditional support when I finally came to my senses and realized that the legal profession was my absolute calling, my mission in life. She was the one who believed in me even when everyone else around me dismissed my dreams or expressed skepticism at my ability to succeed in this field, questioned my strength of character and determination. I was not becoming a lawyer FOR her, but I was on my way here in part because of her, or rather, THANKS to her, and my only regret after over ten years of courtship of the legal profession is that my grandmother did not live to see it. The law school graduation was just a symbol of me coming one step closer towards the beginning of the incredible journey I will come to enjoy once I become an attorney, an inspired attorney who believes in what she does and for whom being a lawyer is not just an occupation but an honor.

I am much calmer now than many of my future colleagues studying for the bar, because I know that I can do this, that if I wasn't stopped by now, nothing will ever stop me. This is one of the longest courtships I've ever observed, me striving to become a lawyer, and it has not been always easy or passionate or romantic, but it was always what I wanted and what I believed in and what I knew I was meant to do, and that knowledge helped me through the rough frustrating times. So even when I cried and yelled and cursed my fate and lamented my circumstances and promised to give up, I knew, that in reality I would not. I am not someone who gives up in general, and I certainly do not ever give up on something I truly believe in. The graduation was painfully boring but nevertheless it was worth it. Sometimes, you have to stop and acknowledge what you did, even if you don't feel like it, because again, what you do, is often not just about you but so many people that it will affect from my family and friend to the hundreds or even thousands of people I may yet encounter as a future professional.

Afterwards, we, of course, celebrated the occasion. We went to Blue Fin, and had a wild time with all the sea food. (I tried raw oysters for the first time and LOVED them, to the surprise of some of my friends, since many people insist that oysters are an "acquired" taste. My grandfather told me once of having tried them and finding them horrible in taste. But me, I loved every sip!) I was so, so relieved to actually be let out and allowed to proceed in my course. Everything was wonderful, my friends being there, my parents being proud and not hiding it (though, methinks, their pride was very premature as I have... miles before I sleep, so to speak). The wonderful cards that my friends got me, the stratlingly gorgeous gifts that my parents surprised me with, the beautiful flowers that I received... It was just such a perfect day, though it had started out with me absolutely certain that it would end in disaster and utter humiliation as I would be denied my diploma in front of my parents and friends. (Yes, I experienced the same paranoia in college. And high school. And, well, for as long as I remember).

This is a very important year for me, as you can see. And right now I'm in yet another home stretch that is taking me closer to the fulfillment of my life-long dream. There is so much more that I need to say, so much to tell, for life never stops even if my blogging takes a break, and there's a lot more that has happened to me and to others since I've last written here, but that will have to wait. I will try to take a few minutes to update or discuss what's on my mind, now that I've settled a little into my routine of studying, reviewing, and finally returning to the gym... But I cannot promise any regularity for obvious reasons. However, I finally am in a state of mind such that I am filled with passion for writing once more, and that is the most important thing. See you all around!

Inspired and enthusiastic,
Irina/Nissan

A Belated Congratulations

2009-04-22T00:31:00.001-04:00

In better late than never news, P.M.Prescott became a grandfather to Abigail. May she grow healthy and happy, and may she bring joy to her family!

Joyous,
Irina

L'Chaim!

2009-04-20T10:14:00.002-04:00

I am 24 today, and I affirmatively choose to celebrate life, rather than death.

Yes, it's Hitler's birthday. Yes, it's the 10th anniversary of the Columbine tragedy. Yes, tonight it's also Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Rememberance Day). But you know what? I think it's time for me to reclaim my own birthday. For too many years I associated it with tragedies; for too long it's been inextricably tied to pain and sorrow. I will no longer allow mass murderers and genocidal maniacs to steal away the most meaningful day in my year. I will take it and transform it into a day of joy instead, and hope that one April 20th will bring happy memories to people, and will be associated with something good.

Overall, it was a good day and I cannot complain. It rained very hard for most of the day, my umbrella broke, and I came home drenched, but that's more often than not the case on my birthday anyway, so I'm used to it and don't. I spent most of the day working on my papers, but I also went out and had an enjoyable lunch with Red Tulips and the inimitable Sandmonkey, at a very 50s-looking Big Daddy's Diner. I am so glad I went, despite the rain and everything. The conversation was really enjoyable, and I do wish there were more people like my two lunch companions out there.

That was really the highlight of my day, along with some nice loot I got early in the morning. ;) (I will enumerate my loot in detail after I'm done celebrating this weekend).

However, none of that is as important as the traditional part of my birthday, in which I reflect on the past year and what I've learned. Before I get to that, however, I have to say that despite the fact that most of my day was relatively uneventful and even monotonous, despite the fact that due to a computer-related issue, I lost part of the paper I worked so hard on and now have to rewrite it from memory, despite the bad weather... for once, I was actually in a pretty good mood, not depressed, not complaining about my birthday, not swearing off to celebrate it ever again. Honestly, I've gotten SO MUCH attention, kind words, and love from so many people I never imagined bothering to pay attention to, uh, my Facebook birthday notification that I'm completely overwhelmed. And in general, so many people thought of me and took the time to wish me a happy birthday and/or I know will be there for me when I celebrate it this weekend... I'm incredibly touched. It really does make a lot of difference to know that people care, and you're not just an invisible fleck of dust floating through life, as if by accident.

That leads me to my actual point - the one most important thing I learned this year was to value true friendship and to distinguish shallow, superficial relationships for people who are really there for you when you need them, even if you sometimes forget about it. I realized that I actually have such great friends, people who are not related to me by blood and thus have no actual "connection" of any kind, who so good to me... and I don't even know what I did to deserve it. I'm serious. I may complain a lot about perceived unfair and undeserved wrongs and hardships... but in the end, I have to say, that so many GOOD things that happen to me I didn't deserve either and cannot afford to take for granted!

I really feel honored and amazed that I somehow gained their friendship, because... although I try to be nice and kind to people, and to support them, and to be an overall decent person, I don't really do anything special, and so I have no idea how I get all of that. To know that I mean something, that I am somehow important to all these truly amazing and wonderful individual is a gift in itself, and really, well, it would have been enough if people were just KIND of there, but they are REALLY there and it's more than I deserve. Let's just say that friendship and support is not something that automatically just appears out of thin air. No one "owes" friendship to anybody. It's free will and choice. And the fact that people make choices to connect to one another, in this case me, despite all the apparent differences, which in reality aren't all that important is simply magical. In the end, I guess, Aristotle was right. In the end, it's all about the character, and the values, and backgrounds and even some of the interests, don't really matter all that much.

The other thing that I realized is... I feel so strong. I can do it! I was to walk a certain path, and now I embrace it, putting aside initial fears. You know, I used to have really bad stage fright, especially when I was younger, and for that reason I thought that I could never be a litigator. I felt ashamed of speaking in public, extremely self-conscious both about my accent and my presentation in general. I never thought I'd have anything interesting or worthy of hearing. I looked at the successful orators and communicators my age around me, and thought that I could never measure up to me, that they would always outshine me... and I really didn't think I had it in me to stand up in court and make any kind of statement. I thought I'd never be good enough. Well, this trial advocacy class, as well as other developments, showed me just how wrong I was. I can write, and I can speak, and I can act, and I can be good at it, and I can do anything I put my mind to it, if I work hard, and listen to advice and think about what I'm doing and apply discipline and method to everything. I can do anything I want. I can even do this whole litigation thing. I guess it was meant to be that my life would always push me in the direction that presented a special an obstacle to me and which I avoided or assumed was wrong for me for totally ridiculous reasons. I guess I'm meant to overcome those obstacles, to learn how to deal with what is difficult or counterintuitive for me. I have a special path, and I'm meant to walk it, and I will own it, and I'll live my life as it should be lived.

Finally, I learned how to let go of things a little bit. That's actually a work in progress, and let's just say there's STILL a lot of work I have to do in that respect. But I'm learning to be patient and to take things in stride, accept people for what they are, learned to deal with what I cannot change, and most importantly... to wait.

This year was also a year of a lot of progress in terms of learning about Judaism. I started doing Shabbat-related activities much more regularly, became more comfortable with services, learned a lot more about theory and had an opportunity to discuss all sorts of spiritual and philosophical issues, and finally observed Pesach for the first time in years. I also learned about the meaning of my Jewish birthday (it's the 29 of Nissan, which is this coming Thursday, April 23), and will be addressing THAT issue then, and gained a Jewish name, which I will post and discuss after I announce it at my birthday party in preparation for the Naming in May. I'm so excited about my future, graduating law school, hopefully passing the bar, and doing all those things I want to do. It's going to be a great year, I just knowing it. And here's to life only getting better from now on, in all respects!

Enthused,
Irina

A Pesachful of Tales

2009-04-15T23:44:00.005-04:00

Another busy week. And it was supposed to be a holiday!

So I finally decided to actually go to a real Seder for the first time in years. Instead I wound up doing TWO Seders. Actually, at first, I wasn't going to do anything. I figured that I'd put it off till next year when I'm no longer in school and well, when I hopefully be working and have "options". I was completely inert until a week before the beginning of the holiday when some friends started "gently inquiring" into what I'm planning to do for Pesach. Basically, it turned out that some of my friends didn't have a place to go for Seder and actually wanted to do that, so I started looking for youth-friendly/affordable options to help them out. And somehow along the way, I kind of got dragged into it as well and realized that hey, why put it off till next year when you can start living a real life right now. We searched and searched and as the day of the First Seder approached we started getting more and more desperate. Well, one of the people who got me into it bailed out along the way (for a very good reason, though), but I stayed on, and though things turned out to be "slightly messy" (read: on the brink of disaster/not happening), the day before First Seder, I finally got a confirmation and was all set to see some familiar faces the next day.

The next day arrived... along with some bad news from another of my would-be companions. By that point, however, I was sufficiently interested in actually celebrating the holiday for the sake of, well, celebrating the holiday that going to the seder by myself no longer deterred me. The seder turned out to be very nice. It was at a rabbi's place. He had a very nice family, and there was a couple of people from MJE that I knew. It was small and intimate, which I really liked. I don't mind being around a lot of people for a party or something, but I generally feel much more at ease with smaller groups of people, and especially when I'm trying to learn about something, I'd rather not have too big a gathering. I loved that the seder went at just the right pace. It was three hours long, which was perfect. It was not so overly long that it would be unsafe for me to return home in the middle of the night, nor was it so short as to be unsubstantial. I felt that it was a fair representation of the holiday. The food was delicious, the company was good, the learning experience was meaningful and inspiring... and the only thing that was ruining my mood was the news I learned about earlier on. I simply couldn't stop thinking about that. Things like that tend to affect me a lot. Hopefully, next year, the holiday will be an entirely happy occasion for everyone!

The next day, I went to another Seder, this time to Huntington. Red Tulips invited me and Thomas, who is now safely back from Iraq, and residing in NYC!, to spend the Second Seder with her family. And so we did. (I bet you're all wondering why I wasn't spending either night with my own family. And the answer is simple - my parents didn't really do anything for Pesach, and I wanted to see how it's done properly so one day I could actually have one of my own). In any case, as usual is the case with Jews, food, and holidays, hijinks and shenanigans ensued from the moment I walked out of my apartment. I decided to buy a matza cake for dessert and went to the local store. After finding a suitable cake, I went over to the counter to pay for it... and imagine my shock when my credit card was declined! After trying it again a couple of times, I stepped away from the register and called my bank to find out what's happening. What happened was all too believable, unfortunately. Someone hacked into their database and compromised my credit card information. So they sent out a new credit card with a new number and automatically canceled the old one fifteen days after the sending out the new one. Except the new one never reached me, and that was back in March. And no one bothered telling me when my old card would be canceled. In any case, now I had to also cancel the new card that they sent out and which I never got, and start the whole process all over again. That basically would mean that in the BEST CASE scenario, I would be sans credit card for another 10-12 days (very inconvenient), and in the worst case scenario, who knows how long I'll have to go around waiting for them to get me a card. Apparently they send out the card through a third-party affiliate... and it's entirely possible that those geniuses got my address wrong or something. In any case, I made sure to ascertain my information with the agent on the line, got the cake, and left the store sans credit card, sans cash, and in danger of missing the train to Long Island. I was not a happy camper.

I will not even attempt to describe the chaos that followed as RT, Thomas, and I scrambled to get to the train on time each dealing with a personal crisis, and trying not to drop the food we were carrying. Suffice it to say that eventually we made to RT's home in one piece, that it was very lovely, that dinner was wonderful, the company was great, the desserts were simply awesome, and I really had a great time and was very happy that I went. I stayed overnight, didn't get a moment of sleep, and in the morning, semi-comatose we took the train back to the city. I took a nice long nap and felt a little better, but let's just say that it was the end of a very stressful week where I got generally very little sleep.

The next day, RT and I were supposed to go to Fontana's to see the very talented Mary Bichner/Box Five concert.

My dear readers, I beseech you: DO listen to Box Five when you get a chance, but do not, I repeat do NOT, under any circumstances step foot into Fontana's.

When we entered Fontana's, the security/manager asked us for our IDs. He then proceeded to stamp RT's hand with "Paul", which I assumed to be his name. I gave him a copy of my passport and also my law school ID as a corrob.

Mind you, I've used the copy of my passport as ID for government agencies and other clubs/lounges/bars in the past, and not once have I run into any trouble based on that. On the contrary, security at several locations actually recommended me bringing a copy of my passport instead of the real thing so I wouldn't lose it.

"Paul", however, adamantly refused to let me in, and insisted that he had to have either an actual passport or a color notarized copy before him. I then explained to him that I don't drink and that, in fact, I'm willing to wear a bracelet/necklace to show that I won't be buying any alcohol... which would have taken care of the age issue even if he had a problem with my ID. Plus, there was RT, who, at 28 was very unlikely to hang out with minors, and as attorney was willing to certify as to my actual age and to supervise to make sure that I won't actually be getting any alcohol. (My actual age is nearing 24).

"Paul", however, refused to listen to any arguments and kept on repeating the same thing. Furthermore, he didn't even listen when Mary Bichner, the performer, asked him to let us in and vouched for our behavior.

That aroused my suspicion that perhaps the surprisingly law-abiding manager had an issue which had, in fact, nothing to do with his desire to keep the law (which only states that you can't sell alcohol to minors, not that they can't be present at concern in the company of someone with IDs), as with the fact that he simply didn't want to let me in.

We left the venue and stood outside to talk to Mary for a few minutes and to try to resolve the issue. "Paul", however, was acting in the most rude, and unacceptably obnoxious manner, telling us to leave, that we were blocking the entrance, and presenting a fire hazard. Now, not only werent' we standing in front of the door but rather to the side, but there was NOT A SINGLE PERSON OTHER THAN US there all throughout the incident. Not one. "Paul" took on a very rude tone with us, and accused us of disorderly behavior even though we were nothing but courteous to him. When we complained at the rudeness, he did nothing to remedy his inexcusable behavior.

I have never been treated so obnoxiously at any venue that I have attended to date, including by security at other clubs EVEN IN INSTANCES when ID was at issue for whatever reason. I take a strong issue with the way I was treated, and to be honest, I think that I was being singled out for whatever reason, and that the way I was treated, as was RT, had nothing to do with the law regulations, but rather with the manager's personal desire not to let us in.

We told him that we're not planning to visit the establishment ever again, and true to our word, I am indeed planning to avoid this place in the future and strongly urge you to do the same. Places where potential customers are treated in such a humiliating manner do not deserve positive publicity or our patronage.

It wasn't an evening gone completely to waste, however. We had dessert on the Lower East Side, wandered into Chinese fish markets and took exciting pictures of dead fish, hung out at Barnes & Noble's (where I was horrified to see Norman Finkelstein's disgusting are as one of the Staff Recommendations), and then with another friend went to see Adventureland, a comedy based on an actual amusement park in Long Island. We thought that it was more of a drama than a comedy, but it was enjoyable, not silly, and with good, solid acting and an intelligent script.

I stayed over at RT's and the next day she made a delicious matzah brei lunch for a small company that gathered up. The food was great as always when RT cooks, and the meal was very enjoyable. Afterwards, we took a brief but fun walk to the local dog park (the doggies were too cute!), and I returned home. The next couple of weeks are going to be a nightmare!

Exhausted,
Irina

A May Wedding

2009-04-15T14:37:00.003-04:00

Congratulations to Tara on her daughter Jordana's upcoming wedding! She's getting married on May 2 to her fiance Keith. That's always great news! :)

Joyous,
Irina

What's Real?

2009-04-12T23:01:00.002-04:00

You know the hardest thing about life...

You spend it chasing dreams and illusions thinking that they are real, that they are what you really need, the most real of reality... and when you are close to grasping them, they slip out of your hands as only dreams and illusions can. And you realize, that once again, you've allowed yourself to be fooled by false hope and wishful thinking, once again you've been on a wild goose chase after a fiction.

And then you look back and get this vague nagging sense that what's real has been under your nose all this time, hidden under layers of superficiality... all you had to do was look a little deeper. But you've mistaken the superficial for the real, and pushed away reality because... well, it just couldn't possibly be that easy, could it? You manage to find a thousand things wrong with what is actually quite right. And by the time you wake up to the simple fact that you've had all the answers and that you've been looking for all the wrong things, it may very well be too late.

The problem is, also, that to find the "real", the timing has to be right, and you have to be ready for it. You have to be ready to face the reality, however surprising and perhaps even unpleasant it may be, and deal with whatever it takes. It's hard to get the right timing and it's hard to tell when to take action and when to be still and wait for the right moment to come.

I managed to figure out that there are many paths to become what I really want to be - a good, no, an excellent professional. Some of these paths may be longer and harder than others, but in the end, I will wind up walking the path that is right for me, given that I can only live the way I feel is right. So whether I like it or not, I'll somehow and always, inevitably will wind up on that one path that is entirely mine. It's not easy, and it's sometimes frustrating, especially when others fail to understand that this is what's right for you and this is what you have to do. The only clue to how to deal with the constant feeling of rejection is knowing that those who push you away because they can't accept this is the path I have to take are not the kind of company that I would want to have along the way anyway be it in terms of employment prospects, friends, significant others, or anything else.

As for the rest, I'm still struggling to figure it out... I figure that somehow, along the way, I'll find the answers, if I keep my eyes open and if I learn from my illusory encounters. I think I am getting better at recognizing at what's NOT real... and from some easy and obvious examples, am starting to get a little the hang of what IS. However, I have a long way to go before I can confidently say this is it. The search continues. It is hard, very hard, but the harder it is now, the better it will be in the end when I have finally found it, when I embrace reality, and that by the time I am sufficiently prepared for the reality embracing me.

Sometimes, I feel completely alone. Sometimes it seems that no one can even come close to understanding me because, let's be honesty, I don't always necessarily understand myself or what I truly need. The only thing I keep telling myself is that if you're looking for something hard enough, everything will push you towards no matter how far you are from your goal... and if it's not what you actually need or want, even if it seems right there, so close, just of reach... it will not happen. So basically, I have to be grateful for everything that I thought I wanted and that hasn't happened (yet) because it simply wasn't a right fit for me at the time or at all. And I have to make the best of whatever did happen or is happening, because it happened for a reason, and clearly, no matter what I feel about it at the moment, there's something that I can get out of it.

Oh... and being patient. I have a real problem with that. I want to know where I'm going and where I am... but the truth reveals itself only one glimpse at a time, and I am forced to grow very slowly and not necessarily in the ways that I want or expect. What gives me hope is that I already have so much to be grateful for, and perhaps part of finding out what's real is learning to see the good in what previously you've overlooked, ignored, or did not appreciate. Perhaps the answers are close and it's only a matter of time before I see them, or perhaps they are far away and I will need to put in a lot more work before I get to them, but either way, I'm determined not to stop looking, and when I find what I need, to work on keeping it.

I don't know what to do or what will be, but I'll figure it out, I'll find out, I'll see!

Struggling,
Irina

A Pesach Mazal Tov!

2009-04-10T17:51:00.002-04:00

Mazal Tov to Jerusalem Gypsy on her third daughter's engagement - right after the second one's wedding! :)

Joyous,
Irina

A Whirlwind of Activity

2009-04-07T23:08:00.003-04:00

In the past couple of weeks, there's been so much stuff happening and so quickly that I didn't really have time to do it justice. I managed to

* Spent an exciting Shabbat with Red Tulips, who cooked an amazing Shabbat dinner of the most delicious salmon I've ever had, meaty, juicy, scrumptious portobello mushrooms, exciting grilled vegetables, grilled chicken with pasta, salad... and all of that was simply irresistible, so I had to practically roll out on the street. The entire company then followed to a wonderful host's gorgeous apartment for an evening of MJE-sponsored desserts and socializing. The next day we spent quietly relaxing and enjoying a delicious picnic meal in RT's backyard. Grilled pita bread soaked in olive oil with black pepper, grilled sweet peppers, fresh organic hummus, the leftover veggies from the delicious meal, vanilla Haagen Dasz ice cream, and rainbow cookies, made for an unforgettable relaxing lunch in the sun!

* Went to see a very exciting concert by a Russian/Korean independent composer and singer Yuliy Kim. He married a Jewish woman and moved to Israel with her, where she proceeded to die from cancer, and he proceeded to gain the Israeli citizenship and become a patriot of the country (though he does spend most of his time in Russia, where he was born and raised). Yuliy Kim displayed an exciting spectrum of his songs, some in parody or influenced by other famous bards, and some uniquely his own, but always very lyrical, and at the same time uniquely humorous, sharply satirical, and always wittily observant of the current social realities in Russia and beyond. I've heard many of his songs before, but didn't realize that he was also a composer of many famous movie songs. I also heard a great number of songs I wasn't aware of before. It is a shame that my enjoyment of the concert was ruined by a horrendous headache that haunted me all day.

* Became a recipient of Fordham Law's Abraham Murray magna cum laude award for Public Service. I performed 720 hours of public service during my "tenure" at the law school. We had this fancy reception, with delicious hors d'ouevres (I particularly favored the delicious lox sandwiches, the fresh jumbo shrimp, and the savory crabcakes that melted in your mouth), an award ceremony of reasonable length, and a three-course dinner afterwards. It was fun to hang out with people, relax, have fun, and take lots of pictures. I also invited Red Tulips, and was surprised to see that most (if not all) people didn't realize that they could have easily brought guests as well. Future lawyers of America... :)

* Organized another National Security and Law Society entirely by myself. Unfortunately, it did not work out as well as I thought, because despite a lot of my own individual publicity, most people somehow missed the memo. It didn't help that Fordham messed up and didn't prepare the big "official" posters on time, so I had to rely on my own hand-made flyers. :(

* Had a long-overdue dinner with Scraps! It was really good to meet up in person and catch up after all this time. Scraps introduced me to a really cool new place conveniently in Fordham's vicinity, called Noi Due, which is a kosher dairy Italian place, and which apparently, only opened up a month or two ago. If you're in the area, you should definitely check it out! The prices are VERY reasonable, especially compared to somewhat fancier places, such as Va Bene, and the atmosphere is casual, yet very hospitable, cozy, and authentic. Yes, the place puts a HUGE emphasis on authenticity/Italian feel and that really makes a difference. The waitress was very friendly and attentive, and the food was of very good quality. I have to give a special nod to the hot apple cider, which was the SINGLE best apple cider I've had anywhere, ever (and this, coming from a huge fan of hot apple cider). The presentation was simply remarkable. We got very tall glass of the beautiful liquid with several pieces of dried cinnamon apples on top, and a cinnamon stick for a straw. We also got long dessert spoons to help us deal with the apple pieces. I've honestly never seen anything like that anywhere else. I had the mushroom fetuccini as my entree, and was very satisfied with the taste, the price, and the fact that it was actually a manageable portion. For dessert we had cannolli which came with an interesting combination of dulce de leche/maple sauce and were very rich, textured, and exceptionally tender. I've eaten "real" Italian (non-kosher) connolli before, and these compared very favorably. In short, that's a place to keep in mind whenever I'm in that area and feeling up to dairy food!

* Finally settled on a Hebrew name! How that came about is a separate story, which I will relate in due time. In the meantime, I'm very excited. I'm going to announce my name at my birthday party, which is coming up in just a couple of weeks (my goodness, how time does fly!), and will follow up in cyberspace and everywhere else of course. I'll have an official naming at the Torah reading at MJE on May 9. I *really* can't wait for the above-mentioned occasions, because I feel that the name is very meaningful and special to me, and really fits well with what I've always wanted from a Hebrew name, albeit in a very different way than I expected or planned! I'm bursting with the desire to spread the word, but meanwhile I've kept the news undercover, and have only mentioned my name to a couple of people who probably won't be able to make it to either occasion. That has been a very positive development in my life, and has really been helpful in lifting some of the stress of wrapping my third and final year at the law school.

The next months are going to be very busy both with schoolwork, bar-registration and preparation activities, and social activities of all kinds, but I'll do my best to keep at least with the highlights of what's happening!

And for now, I wish everyone who celebrates Pesach, a Chag Kosher veSameach, and to those of my readers who will be celebrating Easter (in case I'm not back online and/or forget), a very Happy Holiday! :)

Lots and lots of stuff to discuss... but I haven't slept for a couple of nights, and need some rest!

Overwhelmed and giddy,
Irina

Another Blogger Baby!!!

2009-04-06T13:07:00.002-04:00

Mazal Tov to Drew Kaplan and Rachel on the birth of their daughter Sophie Bella (Zirel Basya). :) Wonderful news, and beautiful names!

Joyous,
Irina

Another Mazal Tov!

2009-03-30T23:58:00.002-04:00

And I have to extend another Mazal Tov to Jerusalem Gypsy on the marriage of her second daughter! Wonderful news! :)

Joyous,
Irina

Another Seraphic Simcha!

2009-03-30T23:45:00.001-04:00

Mazal Tov to Robert and Karen on the engagement of Offspring # 3! :)))

Joyous,
Irina

Resurrecting The Salon

2009-03-24T22:58:00.003-04:00

The last couple of months I've been doing something a little different with Facebook. Previously, I used it to post my numerous photos, update my status, Facebook stalk my numerous "friends"/acquaintances, and once in a while, play around with cute applications. There was also the convenience of knowing people's birthdays. :) But at some point, after finally learning how to "share" various items of interest, post links, etc, I figured out that Facebook can be so much more than just a time-waster/privacy violator/place for pasting embarrassing drunk pictures for people who are so inclined. Not only can it turned into a massive (and free!) networking tool, which I consciously set out to do a while back, but it can also be used for awareness-raising campaigns and other goals.

Using my own account, I decided to resurrect the idea of a "salon", a gathering place where people from all walks of life can learn new things, share thoughts, and engage in meaningful or entertaining discussions. I began a more purposeful search of the news streams, magazines I read, and various websites for articles of interests. By no means can I ever be called an impartial observer, so either the items I post or my comments to those items do tend to have a strong conservative lean. However, I welcome comments from everyone, as long as they do not veer too much off tangent and are more than mere ad hominem attacks on the author of the article, me, or other commenters. Although a lot of what I post tends to be politics/news/current events/government/foreign affairs-related, I post whatever I find interesting/important/worth reading, including some of the articles my friends send me or what I find through other Facebook links. It can be an occasional book review, YouTube video, historical, scientific, or archaelogical article, photography, cutesy items, funny or off-beat stories, and whatever else is out there. Having over 1500 "friends" helps, since all these stories appeal to various people with various interests. They don't necessarily always comment, but sometimes I see that they "liked" something, so I know that someone's paying attention.

I actually find that way of discussing the news more helpful than blogging. Let's face it, only a minority of bloggers write interesting, insightful, or somehow original punditry. Everyone else is mediocre at best, and rehashing the same news stories in lengthy entries can get tedious both for the blogger and for the readers. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that we should stop discussing the news or politics. But linking articles through a greater number of people with short comments, and more lengthy discussions in the comments seems to me a more efficient system than the traditional blogger format. And of course, since there ARE some fantastic bloggers who produce high-quality posts and observations, I link to them just as I would to a newspaper or magazine article. I just relieved myself of the duty to pontificate on these issues at length until and unless I do have something particularly clever or meaningful to say. Otherwise, I keep it short, and discuss the rest in the Facebook "conversations".

Of course, all my Blogger notes also get imported into my Facebook account, so if I have any words of wisdom or interesting ruminations which require a lengthier analysis, be it something personal, some legal or ethical issue, or a coverage of a cultural event I attended, people can read and discuss that as well. Basically, I think Facebook has an excellent potential for multimedia discussions, and a great level of flexibility to be used in a variety of ways. Recently, for instance, I've been using it to post songs that have some kind of nostalgic value to me, what I used to sing in my school chorus days, or that somehow became meaningful to me from back in the day, and that's also a way of revisiting memories, keeping them in one place, and sharing them with people. Now if the new FB format hadn't been so horrible! *Sigh*

There is also another purpose to this "salon" and that is to raise general awareness of what's going on out there in the world. Let's face it, most people just don't care about anything. They don't watch the news, and if they do, they only get soundbytes and/or celebrity gossip. People from different parts of the world still think about people living elsewhere in broad stereotypes, because they mostly only read their own media, and one particular point of view on the situation. Consequently, most people are completely disconnected from larger events, and it's very difficult to have a meaningful conversation with them or to debate them on anything since they don't even know what's happening, much less how or why we got there. Of course, my own "sphere of influence" is only limited to people who have access to my account, but they are enough and they sometimes share some of these items on their accounts with other people, so at least some stories trickle down and get disseminated. I feel that I have much more potential for influence on FB than I ever did through my own writing on Blogger.

As for privacy... well, I only put as much personal information there as I'm comfortable with, and thus feel in complete control of my on-line life. (And I really don't care much what people think or say about me. I don't put inappropriate things in there, and in fact, don't HAVE drunk or naked pictures at all, so I feel I have nothing to fear). In fact, I feel much better about Facebook than about Citibank, which just had a massive identity theft. And yet people put their trust into their bank accounts all the time. :) Thoughts?

Active,
Irina

Dirty Old Men, Etc, Etc., Etc.

2009-03-23T00:02:00.005-04:00

This was a bit of a whirlwind weekend. It all started with a hospitality "Shabbat Across America" program which I decided to attend because it sounded fun. It was supposed to involve mostly foreign Jews, but as always, they were short on men, so they allowed American guys in, too. :) In any case, the first part of the program included a hospitality meal with a family. There were about 140 visitors who were distributed among 21 families on the Upper West Side. The family I was with had only a few guests, but we had a GREAT time. They were just incredibly gracious hosts; I really hope to encounter that family again. They had a beautiful apartment tastefully decorated in Eastern Style, a gorgeous view of the river from the window, and delicious food. The carrot cake alone was such a memorable experience that I'm still drooling just thinking of it!

But all good things come to an end, and after a couple of hours of great conversation and very satisfying eating, we headed towards our next destination - the place where all the guests were supposed to gather to eat dessert and socialize. That place turned out to be an absolutely breath-taking apartment in an equally beautiful apartment building, apparently owned by the family who hosted all the dessert-eaters. The apartment was decorated a la Versailles, and took up an entire floor. Commenting on the number, variety, and the beauty of the desserts will not do them justice. All I can say that those were the best parve (non-dairy) desserts I've ever eaten.

The rooms quickly grew crowded with the arriving guests. I saw a few familiar faces, but most were indeed foreigners. The women were in their 20s and 30s and were all beautifully dressed and filled with enthusiasm. The men were much fewer in number... and also much older, on the average from mid-forties and up... Unfortunately, they seemed not at all to mind the age difference and pursued young girls as if they were still in college. In fact, one of them approached me and managed to completely flabbergast me with his inappropriate comments about my figure and suggestions to "get to know me better" whispered into my ear in a tone that could only signify one thing (the obvious). I have no idea what made that guy think that kind of behavior was in any way tasteful or why on earth that should make anyone, much less me, enthusiastic, but I assure you, I did not enjoy being treated like someone who was being picked up at a bar, rather than attending a Shabbat event. (And no, I was not wearing "open" clothes or a lot of makeup, so I can't say I was being provocative, either). I did my best to evade that guy throughout the evening, either by starting conversations with people, getting lost in the crowd, or moving from room to room when I saw him approach.

Unfortunately, that did not help, because he kept popping up right next to me no matter what measures I took to evade him, offering me drinks, cutting into my conversations, and doing whatever else he thought necessary to get my attention. He got my attention all right... Soon afterwards, and after speaking to someone who I initially thought to be normal, but who spoke to me in the soft, creepy voice of a serial killer from a horror movie, I realized that it was time to leave (i.e. flee), and made my way out. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of normal, decent guys there, and I did have a couple of good conversations... But overall, guys were not at the top of their game that night, what can I tell you!

Fortunately, no one pursued me, and I got to Red Tulips' place with no problems on the way, albeit much later than I expected. The next morning, when we went to services, I was unpleasantly surprised to see many of the guys from the previous night! One of them kept shooting me glances from across the room. After the services, and during the socialization, I did my best to stay away from them, and whenever I saw one approach I'd zigzag into the crowd and start a conversation with somebody I knew. We left kind of early, and had an excellent lunch at Red Tulips' place. Later that night, we went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where we were joined by an out-of-towner. Together, we enjoyed a wonderful concert, which was a bit of a surprise for me. I kind of forgot that the Met has a concert hall. The concert consisted of Tamara Mumford, a mezzo-soprano, and Ken Noda, a pianist. They were occasionally joined by the flute.

The concert kept me at the edge of my seat. It's been a long time since I've heard a classical voice singing anything other than straight opera, and I have very limited experience with classical songs. The gathering of compositions was a great introduction. It ranged from Ravel's "Scheherazade" to Rachmaninov's songs to Haydn, to five "Cuban Negro Songs" to poetry set to modern music. (Will update with details when I get my hands on the program). I was very happy to be provided with the librettos in the native languages and English so I could follow along. Tamara Mumford was outstanding. A great mezzo-soprano is a gift, that, in my opinion is underutilized severely. You get your occasional alto at the opera, mostly for boyish parts, but most female voices just follow your spectrum of sopranos, with Carmen and a few other sultrier roles being the dramatic exceptions.

So when you get to hear the multilayered richness of the lower end of the female voice spectrum, it's always a bit of a surprise, quite pleasantly so. The pianist, likewise, was outstanding. He was so involved in each song that you did not have to understand most of the libretto to get the idea of what was happening, just through his facial expression and the emotional flight of his hands, at times gentle and fondling, at times dramatically brusque. And of course the music flowed so beautifully that I did not want it to ends. After the concert we drove down to Brighton Beach, for RT and her companion to get a bit more of an introduction to the exoticism of the Russian restaurants... and got lost three times in a row, which added a touch of an adventure to our journey.

On Sunday, the weather was simply beautiful and I hung out for a bit in the Souther Seaport area, enjoying the views and the first signs of Spring. Unfortunately, that didn't last the whole day, and by the time early evening started rolling around, it grew rapidly cold. I would say that some disappointments notwithstanding, that was a weekend well spent!

And now, back to school... :(

Missing spring break,
Irina

To Desert... or To Dessert

2009-03-21T23:11:00.003-04:00

Lots to report, but my most interesting stories will have to wait till I'm a bit rested. In the meantime, I have a situational question for you, and I will update this post with what I've actually done tomorrow.

So let's suppose you're in a fairly large grocery store or supermarket. You just picked a box of inexpensive but delightful dessert that you're supposed to bring over for dinner. As you're walking down the aisle, you trip and the box falls out of your hands, hits the floor, opens, and half the dessert spills out onto the floor. You gather everything put it back into the box, and quickly get away from the place of embarrassment. As you walk, you're mulling over what to do. At this point, you have one of two options. The first is to pick up another box of dessert to replace what you just ruined and to pay for both, then to get rid of the broken box. The other option is to get rid of the ruined dessert immediately, and just buy what you actually intend to eat. You know for a fact that you could very easily place the broken box somewhere out of sight without anyone seeing you. You also know that there were no video cameras where you were walking with the box when you tripped, so no one knows about the accident. The box is very inexpensive, and the store can easily afford the loss. In fact, no one will even notice. You, on the other hand, are in need of every penny, and having to buy an extra box for nothing will present a hardship for you. As you walk, you stop by the aisle where you got the dessert, and pick up a new box, which you will be buying regardless of your decision. You can now easily and quietly place the broken box somewhere behind the row of the similar-looking desserts. There is no one around; no one can see what you're doing, and if someone were to approach you could easily say that you just saw a broken box and decided to take another one. What do you do? And why?

I know this sounds like a very stupid dilemma to bring up, and to some, if not most people this is not even a dilemma. And yet... and yet, I'm not a superheroine or a secret agent or even a full-fledged lawyer yet, so the dilemmas in MY life tend to be small and stupid, and I can only write about what I know, rather than making up fanciful and fake-sounding scenarios. :) Oh, and please don't try to guess what I did, even if you're fairly sure of the answer. Just write what YOU would have done in that situation.

Puzzled,
Irina

UPDATE: I paid for both. It was a little embarrassing, since the broken box of desserts looked liked I opened it in a hurry and started eating from it, but no one commented on that. I decided to pay for it, because, let's face it, I was the one responsible for the damage, not the store. And yes, the store could have easily absorbed the costs... but if everyone starts dropping things and not paying for them... It won't be able to absorb the costs for very long now, will it? And in any case, it's one thing to talk about morality in the classroom and make grand gestures... but it's much more difficult to do the right when no one's watching you and no one cares about your choice. Sometimes, it's actually harder to do the small things, to make the effort about the unnoticeable things, precisely because you won't be getting any credit for them, and because the temptation not to bother is stronger because they are so small. In other words, it was just an exercise in character building.

Double Blue!

2009-03-18T13:19:00.001-04:00

Danny and Kendall are having two boys... and thankfully, they are both healthy!!! Hopefully, no more scares!!!

Relieved,
Irina

In the Middle

2009-03-15T13:38:00.005-04:00

This weekend wasn't particularly dramatic, and maybe it's not such a bad thing.

I spent Erev Shabbat with Red Tulips at the Columbia University Chabad, which turned out to be every bit as warm and welcoming a place as Chabad at the Loft, which we had both visited a while ago. The food was absolutely delicious - the salads, the tender, juicy chicken, the rice with fried mushrooms and onions, the potato and noodle puddings, and the delicious carrot cake for dessert, and in general the proceedings were not at all intimidating, even for someone from a relatively secular background. Many of the guests were actually from France and seemed like a nice bunch. Most of RT's and my conversation actually took place with... a figment of our imagination. ;) (Or at least with someone who did a pretty good job of passing for our hallucination!) And in general, I felt pretty comfortable and not nearly as shy as I usually do when surrounded by complete strangers.

The truth is, part of that comfort is certainly coming from slowly but surely getting more acquainted with the rituals, various beliefs, and levels of observance that exist out there. When I walk into shul or an observant home, I'm no longer in a state of absolute shock, and am much less likely to make a very basic faux pas, such as talking during kiddush/after washing hands and waiting to receive my piece of challah as I was a year ago. I didn't even notice how I came to this level of relative comfort, but I guess practice makes perfect, and I believe I'd even be able to explain what basically takes place to people with no Jewish background at all if they joined me for services or for a Shabbat meal.

The truth is, I still need to gain somewhat more background in the holidays (which aren't as regular as Shabbat occurrences), and more intellectual underpinnings, but that will have to wait a bit until I'm done with law school and the Bars. As much as I want to learn more about Judaism, I'm very much invested in this law school thing for now, and need to deal with my "prior commitments" before I go on making any new ones. Since I'm now officially on Spring Break, however, I will have a bit more time for Jewish and social activities and hope to reimmerse myself in what I used to enjoy so much last semester before I got overwhelmed with my evening classes and other school activities for a bit.

There is something else that has been bothering me a bit lately, and that is feeling like I don't really quite fit in anywhere, and that I'm being pressured to conform to either a completely secular or a wholly observant lifestyle of at least MO level if I wish to lead a normal life. Don't get me wrong, most people don't go around lecturing me on the evils of my current lifestyle. They don't tell me: "Stop keeping Shabbat, you weirdo" or "You have to start wearing long skirts and keeping kashrut this minute, or you're officially a bad Jew". Even my mother seems to come to some level of understanding about my interest in Judaism and my association with Jewish organizations and activities, and as long as I still eat her food, I think it's going to be ok. :) However, many aspects of what's considered "normal" life are seemingly contingent on my clear choice of one or the other, wholly observant or completely secular, and I'm not ok with THAT. Let's take relationships, which seem to be less accomodating than schools and jobs on the issue of my relationship with Judaism and personal choices.

In order to have a functional long-term relationship, it seems, I have to be either completely shomer negiah (which means not touching any non-relative man in any non-accidental way ever again) and keeping kashrut...(etc, etc,) or if I choose to be more secular, it pretty much means having to well, be intimate with the guy when he tells me to. And I don't feel like I should have to "choose" either of these options unless I actually WANT to, and truth be told, I don't. I am not ready to keep kashrut and engage in a very deep level of ritualization for the sake of rituals (and I only want to keep the rituals which I understand and which I feel do indeed contribute to my personal growth), and I do NOT view every physical contact with men as sexual. Handshakes and friendly hugs, for instance, are generally NOT sexual in my opinion and I don't see any good reason why they should be viewed as such. (Unless people are completely obsessed with sex, and that's all they can think about... but hopefully, I am somewhat above that level of development).

And as for being the polar opposite of shomer negiah, that doesn't fit me either, because I do want a complete level of commitment with only one person, that person being whoever turns out to be my husband. That had always been very important to me, even before my interest in Judaism developed, for independent reasons that make sense to me. The bottom line is, I want my choices in life to be respected by people *I* treat with respect, be they my friends, family, or whoever I'm dating... without feeling pressure to conform to THEIR norms, or at least them dictating me what I should and shouldn't be doing and why I am wrong. I don't want to limit myself to hanging around only religious people in the hopes of finding someone who will accept my choices, because, well, it's very clear that I will have to change my entire lifestyle just so someone could accept ONE of my choices and that's just too much for me right now... and with the secular people, unfortunately, it's even harder because they feel like I'm a living anachronism, and that basically, why bother with me when they can get someone else to do what they want "easily". I feel stuck, yet dedicated to my principles and to being the person that I am and doing what feels right and comfortable for me. That is how I've always lived my life, and despite certain difficulties it has presented, I have never regretted any of the choices I've made, which, I guess speaks for itself. Nevertheless, I do want a family, I do want to be surrounded by people who understand me and accept me for who I am, and that's not always easy. My friends are a very eclectic group of people who are in various stages of their own personal growth (Jews and non-Jews alike), and I am fine with not being a part of any one particular group, with just surrounding myself with INDIVIDUALS, rather than sticking to a clique.

I think I'm going to get blasted for this post by people from both groups. I am already looking forward to comments like "You can't have your cake and eat it too" or that at some point I'm going to HAVE TO choose if I want to be accepted. Well, the more I think about it the more I realize that I don't WANT to be accepted if that acceptance comes at the sake of sacrificing what's important to me or compromising my values for the sake of conformity. This is not merely idealism, because in general I'm very flexible and try to be accomodating when it comes to dealing with different people and norms. But at the same time, I do feel bitter, because it's so much harder for someone like me than for whoever goes by rote, without ever questioning why they do what they do, or acting differently from what the norms of the society surrounding them (my opinion of any given society as a GROUP is usually rather low). The key is to seek individuals rather than groups, which is never easy, but it's possible. The most important thing is to respect myself. If I respect myself, and exude confidence, others will, as well. And if they don't... well, I don't really have to care now, do I? :)

(And that's just ONE of the ways in which I feel I'm stuck in the middle; how I'm also stuck between my numerous and diverse intellectual and aesthetic pursuits and the various adventurous and exploratory interests is a separate entry, and the fact that I really need a good balance of both to feel happy is not making my task in finding and keeping companionship any easier).

Someone once told me: "Be more simple. You'll attract more people if you stop being so complicated."

But... amoebas are very simple, and there's certainly a lot of them. I, in fact, strive to be as "complicated" as possible and to elevate myself above "the simple" as much as possible, for that is the process of my growth and development. And right now, I'm just taking a step back and trying to look at my situation from the outside, and maybe come up with a better strategy for the future. The one thing I'm NOT going to do, however, is give up and give in. :)

Complicated,
Irina

End of the Story

2009-03-11T23:58:00.002-04:00

Something that was very important to me just ended. I think I gave it my best shot; I invested what I could, I learned from my past mistakes and avoided them, I think I mostly had an excellent control of myself, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I stayed true to my principles.

On the one hand, feeling like you've failed at something that may have been a success is certainly not a happy feeling. On the other hand, I feel proud of myself for having the right intuition about where things were headed, mitigating damages by handling it as early as I could once I detected the signals, and in general not feeling like I have anything to blame myself for. The outcome is not altogether negative. First, I've learned some important things about myself and other people. Second, I defined even further my own expectations in the future in similar situation, and what I want to see. Third, I did not drag out the misery unnecessarily, and saved time and emotional resources.

Fourth, I think I'm well on the way to becoming the person I want to be, and I really feel very confident and in control, despite the fact, that this particular situation did not lead to the kind of results I wanted. But I did discover, finally, that inner strength that I will need in the future, so when the right time comes, I will be able to draw on those inner resources and handle things the way I want, and will be even better at feeling in control of myself and the situation. Finally, and most importantly, (and I really have to thank God for the early intervention), I was not left trapped in a situation, which was not meant to happen and which would not lead to the best possible outcome. That can only mean one thing - the best is yet to come, and my destiny awaits me.

Everything in the right time.

I've grown as a person, I strengthened my core beliefs, and in the end, I came out as a winner, because I have NOT done anything that would make feel ashamed of myself later. I still respect myself at the end of the day, and that's the most important thing. I have a strong belief that if I keeping on working on myself, if I remain true to my principles and to personal growth, the right time and the right situation will come, and...

"I've lived to be the very best
I want it all, no time for less"

I'll get what I truly deserve and will, in fact, have it all.

Patience.

Head held up high as always,
Irina

Up the Slippery Slope

2009-03-08T21:02:00.009-04:00

Friday afternoon, accompanied by Recompiler & a couple of other people, I made my way through the crowds to watch the Cardboard Classic competition, which took place on Jack Frost Mountain in the Poconos. We first had to walk along the woods for a couple of miles to get to the place, but the weather was wonderful, and so that was an enjoyable exercise. The competition consisted of individuals and teams of people creating sleds out of cardboard, twigs, and decorative materials and sliding down a big hill. The competition was judged by appearance and by the speed of the sleds. The crowds, which gathered on the side, watched, cheered, drank themselves into oblivion, and threw snowballs at those who didn't quite make it. The competitors themselves were frequently also hammered and some of them appeared quite undressed, even naked. People in the crowds also occasionally flashed each other and the competitors. Our little group, however, mostly stayed out of it, except one of us who went to help push a heavy sled up the hill, or to break up a fight.

The competition itself was fun to watch and I took tons of pictures (posted on Facebook). I was surprised at the level of creativity some people exercised. Some of the most interesting designs included a bong (which I initially mistook for an enema), a fire truck, sputtered red nasty smoke, a camera, a toilet, and dice. There was also a number of "General Lees", and plain cardboard sleds, which seemed to go much faster and better than the more creative ones. Other people seemed to have little to no effort into their creations, and their sleds, for the lack of a better word, were quite simply a mess.

Some of the sleds crashed into each other or fell to pieces on the way down, and hilarity ensued. Some of the accidents weren't so funny, however, since they resulted in several broken appendages and people taken away in ambulances. Other incidents included numerous drunken fights, occasionally broken up by the ski patrol, possible incidents of alcohol poisoning, and other alcohol-related "fun". The ambulance presence multiplied at an alarming rate, and eventually the cops arrived, having had enough of the fights, and told everyone to clear off the area. That was rather unfortunate, because the weather was just perfect, and it would have been fun to hang out, look closely at some of the cooler sleds, and just enjoy the weather. Instead, we were herded out back down hill and faced the trek to the cars. On the way back, we saw some very, er, open, displays of drunkenness, including people screaming and whistling at each other, a few guys riding ON TOP of a car, and two men and a woman urinating right by the door, not even bothering to go and hide out of sight. My poor eyes! That was one thing I could have gone without seeing. Why do people feel the need to drink themselves into an animal-like state?!

***

Saturday I went to another Paul Taylor Dance Company Performance with my mom. One of the dances was a repeat from last Sunday, Arden Court, but I enjoyed watching it again. This time, I could pay more attention to the details and could appreciate the humor of a couple trying to cuddle up, and being interrupted by a pair of prancing male dancers every time they were about to kiss. The second performance was Last Look, an apocalyptic work whose protagonists may be the survivors of a nuclear holocaust, set to music by Donald York. The music was jarring and otherworldly and fit perfectly with the surreal scene set by the mirrors and by puppetlike characters who seemed to be afraid of their own shadows, and yet remarkably responsive to each other. To be honest, I at first thought the performance was about a nuthouse, but hey, I'm sure that after a nuclear holocaust, it gets to be quite crazy as well. The third performance was much more playful. It was Esplanade, Taylor’s signature work from 1975, a celebration of natural movement and gesture set to Bach Violin Concertos.
You could see young men and women flirting and chasing each other in what in my imagination was a large country field, with one girl getting consistently left out/short on one male partner, and yet somehow she manage to be the center of attention anyway. It was a lot of fun, and the music was delightful. The dancers exhibited incredible flexibility, strength, and beauty of movement. I was very happy that I went.

***

Sunday I mostly relaxed. My parents went to visit the bereaved family, and then we had a small informal dinner with our relatives, in honor of my dad's past birthday. No one was in the mood for a big celebration in light of what had just happened.

Oh, and of course there was Daylight Savings Time. That's always fun. /sarcasm.

Overall, a pretty good weekend, don't you think? :D

Satisfied,
Irina

No Answers

2009-03-05T23:56:00.003-05:00

I was about to write a fun post about the rat invasion I'm facing at home (I wish I were kidding), but then I came home, found out the horrible news, and could think of nothing else.

The news were of the sudden and unexpected passing of my mom's best friend's 30-year-old niece, who left behind her a husband and a young son. I still can't get over the shock. I've only seen her a couple of times, but she seemed very nice and intelligent. I know she was planning to have a second child soon. She recently finished her doctorate in clinical psychology, and everything seemed to be going so well. And then, suddenly, the tragedy struck, and she's suddenly gone.

It's horrible for the entire family. I keep trying to process what happened, but don't even know how to think about this. In the fall, at MJE, we discussed the various approaches Judaism has for dealing with tragedies, "when bad things happen to good people", but what happened doesn't seem to fit into anything. I can't view it as divine punishment or a test, or a strengthening of character, nor do I believe that it was her time to go. Her life was too short, and I honestly can't see any good purpose for her being taken away from her family. I can't see what on earth can be good about having parents see their child die many years before them, a young husband to be left alone, and her son growing up motherless. I can't imagine what can be good about this young woman, who seemed to have her whole life ahead of her, and who was just barely starting to realize her lifelong goals, to be taken without being able to explore the world or see her child grow up or expand her family. I see NOTHING good in this, and I'm really very angry and frustrated with trying to understand something that feels random and incomprehensible.

Maybe I shouldn't feel this well. I don't have moral "standing" to feel angry. It's not my life (tfu tfu tfu) that's been cut short, nor anyone I know immediately and well. But still, this feels nonsensical. Absurd and unreal. And every time I distract myself with something and then remember what happened, I'm struck a-new. The only thing to be grateful here is that she did not suffer for long. But... I have trouble thinking positively here. What is there to learn from this? Yes, in any tragedy there's the lesson of appreciating what you have and making the most of your life while you have it, appreciating and being grateful for each moment. But come on, is it really necessary to keep taking good, young, deserving people away just to wake and shake up everyone around them???

I just don't understand this. I want to keep asking "why? why??? Why???!!!!!!", even thought I know it's fruitless and no one will give me any answers.

This should not be happening and I really don't know what more to say. I really hope this is the last tragic death I'll encounter, though of course, such hopes are usually fruitless, and every day, somewhere, somebody's loved one is suddenly, unexpectedly taken away just like that.

We're merely specks.

Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.

But if we're nothing more than dust, the breath of life in which can be extinguished in a moment's notice, than why are we here?

There's got to be more than this to the understanding of life. There's got to be some kind of an answer.

I'll get over the shock and move on. I have no idea how the family is going to deal with this loss, it's something I don't even want to imagine dealing with. Somehow, however, they will learn to go on living without her.

And life will go on as it always does.

Who knows whether any of us will ever find answers.

Upset,
Irina

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

2009-03-02T23:07:00.002-05:00

I am the type of person who overanalyzes everything under the sun and who imagines a million different scenarios and possibilities of how things may or should go ages in advance, succeeding only in psyching myself out. Then of course, either nothing happens at all, so I am usually worried for no reason, or it happens completely differently from ALL of the scenarios I imagined, and usually works out for the best anyhow. You'd think that I'd learn my lesson knowing myself so well and STOP DOING THAT, but it happens to me over and over again, and there's no end in sight. I can only mitigate the damage by keeping my paranoia to myself and not letting it affect my outward behavior in a way that would sabotage any possibility of constructive reaction to what actually DOES happen.

Why can't I just wait and take things one step at a time, and let life sort most things out, since it eventually will anyway. Why die a thousand deaths in advance. Why clutter my mind with possibilities, fears, and fantasies completely divorced from reality. But I can't really help it and all that stuff goes through my mind constantly. All I can do is remind myself to snap out of it once I see that it's becoming seriously annoying and that I'm in danger of letting it cloud my judgment. Lately, I've been having a bout of worry and doubts over all sorts of things that aren't and really shouldn't be my priority at this point in time, and which will probably resolve themselves sooner or later just as most of this type of stuff usually does. No need to hyperventilate over things that aren't RIPE yet. Thinking about it so much only brings me closer to making premature, disastrous, and irreversible decisions for which there is absolutely no need. None.

The best way to keep these thoughts (the whisperings of My Inner Programmer, no doubt), at bay is to think about the positive of every situation. Concentrating on the negative will get me nowhere for reasons that should be fairly obvious but aren't always - there are infinite numbers of negatives I can imagine, but all these imaginary flaws/faults/problems will only blind me to things that really matter, which are things that actually EXIST at that point in times, and which I CAN actually assess and evaluate. And the positives - they either are sufficient or they aren't, and if I really think about them, most of the time they ARE. Most of the problems are usually blown out of proportion by my worst enemy, my own mind, and are very much resolvable in a productive manner. So once I think about positive stuff, the negative stuff suddenly starts to matter much less, and I suddenly realize that everything's actually pretty good.

But what's even more helpful is having OUTSIDE signals that my own situation isn't really that bad at all. The first comes from overhearing somebody's story of having to deal with the same or similar situation and realizing that other people actually have it much worse and I ought to be grateful for what I have. The second source is having something horrible happen or potentially happen to someone I know or have heard of which snaps me out of my self-pitying frame of mind and reminds me... that my own situation is NOTHING compared to real tragedies, and that I ought to be strong enough to deal with what actually is the normal course of human life anyway. That I'm not facing anything truly terrible as opposed to the person in the tragic circumstances, and really, Irina, just be quiet and stop whining.

It's funny how the same illogical human mind which craves "objective evidence" in the form of endless reassurances is very quickly satisfied by a couple of anecdotal stories of somebody else's woe that puts in perspective how well off I actually am. It's also surprising how important it is to feel better off than other people. I mean, really, who cares? But there's something about being able to compare and somehow in some way quantify your own fortunes that makes you more likely to appreciate them than when you have no frame of reference. That's kind of BAD, because the whole point of having a brain is to be able to appreciate and accept things and circumstances for what they actually are, independently of any other factors which really have nothing to do with you personally. But that's not how it works most of the time, or at least not as a first step in this whole appreciation and acceptance process. Comparisons first, whole-hearted and independent assessment only afterwards when you are reassured by other factors that yeah, it's all good, relax already.

So for now, at least, I'm cool having just gotten a new doze of reality in the form of other people's misfortunes, which worked like a cold shower. I'm now awake and feel the right priorities surfacing back where they should be even as I type this entry.

When will I ever learn?!

Exasperated,
Irina

High Culture For Dummies

2009-03-01T23:26:00.003-05:00

So I spent the weekend immersing myself in cultural activities of various kind. Yesterday, while stuck at home trying to recover from the annoying cold that just doesn't seem to go away, I made it an Italian Day. I turned on my beloved Andrea Bocelli CDs, (yes, he's a fellow lawyer!), while eating Italian pastries, and reading Umberto Eco's "The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loanna", in preparation of the end-of-March book club meeting. Of course, listening to romantic Italian music is supposed to go with a candle-lit dinner in some beautiful villa in an exotic locale, but when you can't have that, you take the next best thing and make a nice, relaxing day for yourself! :) (And believe me, the combination works its magic even in its second-rate manifestation).

Today I went with my mom to see my first-ever show by the Paul Taylor Dance Company at the New York City Center.

Today's show included

Danbury Mix
A collage of earlier Taylor steps that focuses on dissonant aspects of late-20th Century America, with music by Ives

I absolutely loved it. My mother wasn't too partial to the potpourri style, as well as the atonal music, but I thought that both really worked here. Sometimes atonal music can be grating and annoying, but in this situation, it actually felt substantive, as if it were telling the stories, and the stories were filled with fun and gentle humor, as well as anticipation and tension, depending on the piece. My mother's interpretation of it was existential rather than personal - numerous cocroach-like thoughts running through somebody's mind, making her completely neurotic. Gee, that one sounds familiar! :)

Private Domain A voyeuristic dance that affords every audience member a slightly different view of its scantily clad cast, with music by Xenakis

The music was even more atonal here, with eerie ominous notes anticipating what appeared to me to be somebody's murder, but could have just as easily been something entirely innocent (just goes to show you that I have a one-track mind these days!) I thought the set up was very interesting, with columns partially obscuring the view of the beach-bum flirts, so the audience felt like it was spying on the carousing young people and catching secret glimpses of their private life. And let's face it, we all like to be privy to other people's secrets, no matter how unvoyeuristic we pretend that we are.

Arden Court An evergreen work from the dance maker’s Baroque series, showcasing the dancers’ astonishing athleticism with music by Boyce

This piece featured absolutely beautiful traditional (tonal) music and and was filled with liveliness and energy. I have to say that ALL the pieces featured incredible, masterful movement and flexibility. The things these dancers did with their bodies were just unbelievable and mindblowing.

In short, it was a very enjoyable performance and I can't wait to see it again, soon.

After grabbing a quick dinner, I got together with the girls for the "February" (yeah, we stretched the definition a little!) meeting, during which we discussed Jeannette Walls' The Glass Castle.

This book was SO much better and more meaningful than the last pick (Dear Diary). This is the story of a girl's incredible tenacity and close relationship with her siblings as she relates the incredible craziness that is her family's life. Her father is an adventurous freedom-loving alcoholic who gives her Venus as her Christmas gift and promises to build the family a Glass Castle to live in, between his bouts of alcoholism, and her mother is bipolar artist, who never does come to terms with social conventions or the responsibility of taking care of her four children. The family travels all over the place, from Phoenix to Vegas, and California, and Appalachia, and eventually winds up in New York City. The story opens with the shocking admission that the author's mother chose to live as a homeless person in NYC, and begins the narrative of how they came to be in that place with an even more shocking story of Jeannette getting burned while boiling hot dogs for herself at the age of three (!).

It gets worse (or better?) from there. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed that book, holding my breath as I hurried to see what further trevails awaited the incredibly resourceful and intelligent siblings who went through SO MUCH and eventually did find their own unique paths in life, insane circumstances notwithstanding. I was incredibly surprised that Jeannette never condemns her parents for all the difficulties she's faced, even as she is understandably angry with her mother's selfishness and weakness and her father's alcoholism, manipulativeness, inability to hold a job, and unbelievably poor decision-making. I think she recognized that her parents were the best they could be, given who they were, and that her father genuinely did try to be the best he could and not to let his children down, though he did inevitably, time after time.

But I think in many ways, he was also an inspiring figure for Jeannette, though she strived to live her life to be the opposite of her parents (stable, responsible, and established). She does take away many important lessons from her experiences and she writes about them in a way that is not at all lecturing and patronizing, but on the contrary, incredibly engaging and sympathetic, though fortunately I cannot identify with a single characteristic of her parents or her family's life. Reading insane stories like hers certainly puts whatever differences with my parents or personal challenges I've had in a perspective, because honestly, having a stable and secure home is probably the most important thing I've had in my life, and I have no idea how I'd have fared if I had to grow up in a family like Jeannette's, with no constant environment, no roots, or knowledge that my parents are going to take care of me, or at least such basic essentials as providing FOOD.

Someone earlier mentioned to me that the story sounded exaggerated, but after looking at some personal interviews online, and hearing some of the girls who've apparently either met the author in person or knew of her sufficiently to know that she was not a liar. In either case, the story appeared to be flowing enough for me to think that it may very well be completely true. People do the darndest things, as they say, and there are all sorts of dysfunctional and crazy families with the most unimaginable stories out there. Some people succeed against all odds and then their stories work and become inspiring, as in this case, and others manage to wallow in self-pity even in relatively favorable circumstances and find tragedy in minor challenges. Such people, as the author of "Dear Diary", which I lambasted in my last book club-related post, evoke only irritation, not sympathy. In any case, I would certainly recommend this book, and am also looking forward to seeing the movie, which is coming out at the end of this year!

Life is good...

Rested,
Irina

Not So Hot

2009-02-26T23:52:00.003-05:00

This was not my best day.

I came to school early and feeling very sick only to find out that my morning class was canceled.

That left me with hours of lounging around in the library, feeling dizzy, weak, and exhausted. Fortunately, lying down on the couch made things a little better. Then I got some food, and was well enough to pull through two presentations for two different classes and actually do fine, avoid any major embarrassments and losses, and even manage to learn something from the experience.

I was feeling very proud of myself when I came home and proceed to spill hot tea all over myself, mostly my legs, feet, and the chair. There's nothing like feeling dripping wet and scalding all over at the same time. Classy.

Furthermore, due to an interpretation of some circumstance (totally ridiculous, as I realize now), I was feeling underappreciated and forgotten, and was planning to go to bed and wallow in self-pity until sleep made it all better.

But then something drew my attention back to my oldie-but-goodie decision to think in a more positive direction, to give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, and to appreciate the small things.

I now feel much better (and much drier, after having changed from the disgusting tea-drenched clothes).

Time to sleep, and tomorrow's another day, hopefully a relaxing one.

Dry,
Irina

Potpourri

2009-02-25T17:49:00.002-05:00

* I was not impressed with the Academy Awards this year. I've only seen a couple of movies that were nominated for anything (Dark Knight, Defiance (it was nominated for music), The Changeling, and Slumdog Millionaire). Everything else sounded either completely boring or otherwise unappealing, and I have no regrets about not wasting my time with the other movies which were featured. Thus, I was not particularly excited about the actual awards, either. There were few surprises, and even less suspense. Every year the award season becomes even more cramped, cheap-looking, rushed, and unsuspenseful, and becomes more of a standard graduation ceremony than an entertaining show. Thus, there's less incentive to watch it. In fact, the only reason I did watch it was for the fashion, which this year, was actually an improvement over the past few seasons, IMHO. Oh, and I'm glad "Slumdog Millionaire" won. I actually thought it was a very good movie, and deserved the accolades and the awards.

* I am sick again. The past couple of days, I've been feeling rather down, with a lingering headache and elevated blood pressure (nothing dramatic, but higher than what I usually have), and yesterday, I realized that my throat is really sore, and that I have some kind of infection. I was supposed to be at a school event today, but woke up feeling like I have a small metal ball rolling around inside my head every time I turn it, and just couldn't drag myself out of bed. I've been medicating myself with nyquil, dayquil, and lemon tea, and am feeling somewhat better. Tomorrow I'm facing two presentations and hope that a good night's sleep will speed up the recovery, as I need to be in shape for class. I'm not even thinking about all the work that lies ahead of me, one day at a time!

* Isn't it funny, how many people's strengths are also their weaknesses? The very things that attract me in many of my friends are also the things that can be annoying at their extreme. Depending on how close you are with a person, that may not really come up often or significantly enough to affect your relationship with the person, but if you're spending a lot of time with somebody you get to see how different aspects of the same character trait play out in all sorts of circumstances in a range of ways. And that's when you have to make up your mind whether you like the "positive" range of that character trait more than you're turned off by its negative manifestations. A cost-benefit analysis, however, does not always work perfectly with evaluating people's personalities, because positives and negatives are often so subjective that it's hard to tell when something IS actually off-putting or when it's just your mood and you're simply annoyed by what normally you would take in stride or even enjoy, and which in fact you do actually generally like. I'm sure people who evaluate me probably feel the same way about some of my personality traits. For instance, being determined and assertive can be very helpful in getting to my goals, but sometimes I get to be a little too outspoken and bossy for people's taste, or tend to be a little too pushy when that's not really a good strategy. I guess basically, I (and everyone else) has to learn to moderate their central personality traits, and many of the minor issues people have are merely off-shoots of their "main" issues anyway. But I guess you have to know yourself well enough to be identify what that central issue is to begin with, and that's even harder to do with other people, unless you have a lot of experience in observing people's personalities. But it's good to know, that most people's issues aren't random, but are somehow related to their core. Makes it easier to figure out how to deal with them. :)

Tired,
Irina

A Non-Guilty Secret Comes Out

2009-02-25T17:47:00.003-05:00

Congrats to Cate Subrosa, who is expecting a baby! :) That is really great news, and I wish the young family the best!:)

Joyful,
Irina

A Subtle Hint

2009-02-22T16:40:00.004-05:00

My parents came back from a shopping expedition (originally aimed at purchasing some cabbage for dinner), carrying three pieces of magnificent porcelain, part of the Franz porcelain "Paradise calls" Toucan Collection, exquisitely decorated with toucans. My mother immediately unwrapped two of the pieces, a salad bowl, and a liquid carrier of some sort, to be put up behind glass for everyone's viewing pleasure. As for the third, an enormous vase, which would not fit in any of our counters, my mother refused to unwrap it, and chirped cheerfully that it was for me, and that it would go to me when I get married.

*Sigh*.

I immediately made it clear that my priorities right now are anything and everything BUT marriage, and include but are not limited to finishing papers, finishing law school, studying for and taking the Bar, finding a job, etc, etc. I basically said that I'm not planning to marry anytime soon, probably not for YEARS, if not for DECADES.

My mother shrugged it off.

I think it's a bit scary... I mean, it's one thing to talk in theory "Oh, when you marry one day...", or the not-so-subtle hints about having grandchildren she used to drop in the past (fortunately, she stopped, at least for the time being), but completely different when she's actually investing money in physical preparations for something that for me right now is not even on the horizon of contemplation.'

When I have children, I'm not going to engage in this course of action at all.

Speechless,
Irina

P.S. For the record, I'm a HUGE fan of this collection and other animal collection from that company, and have nothing against them at all. On the contrary --> DROOL. I am, however, scared by the premature marriage talk. :)

The Big Picture

2009-02-20T13:40:00.003-05:00

Last night, I went to see Major Jacob Dallal of the IDF Reserve speak at Fuel For Truth about the latest developments in Gaza.

Maj. Dallal showed us the map of the range of the target area of the Qassams and Katyushas in Israel, (Katyushas, or "grad", now almost within reach of Rechovot, and from there, it's not that far to Tel Aviv) and also talked about the difficulties of the Operation Cast Lead from the point of view of soldiers. To be honest, I can't really discuss the practical difficulties of the situation because I've never served in the military or defense force of any kind, and I don't know that fear of having to go out and endanger your life, with an enemy hidden behind kidnapping tunnels and civilian targets, the enemy who could be anyone, anywhere. I don't know that fear and hopefully will never know it. So I can't adequately assess what an individual soldier feels going out into a dark, foggy night when everything and anything may be a danger. However, I can imagine that it's absolutely terrifying.

And it is the enemy that is ready to use any and all means to attract attention. This enemy, namely Hamas, of course, has interspersed military targets among civilian population so as to maximize civilian casualties. IDF caught a Hamasnik with a map of these military locations, and after superimposing that map over the official map of the Gaza strip civilian population, saw all the locations placed in heavily populated areas, where IDF would be killing many civilians were they to try to strike the shooters. That's the kind of war Israel has had to fight against its own wishes.

These are the same people who rigged an abandoned school and a zoo right next to you in hopes of attracting NYT-worthy articles once they get blown up into smithereens. (Fortunately, they were found prior to executing a strike, and no animals were harmed. The school remained intact, as well). These are the people who have no mercy for their own, who've been breaking legs of hundreds of Palestinians they claimed to be in cahoots with Israel, who've been using women and children as human shields. But that's not the worst of it, because as Maj. Dallal correctly pointed out, the media and the audiences all over the world (most of whom have never served a day in their lives), have been so busy wringing their hands over the tactics, that they've entirely missed the big picture.

And the big picture is that... Iran + Syria + Hizbullah + Hamas = have been working quite willfully to destroy Israel through various means and from all directions. Hamas through Qassams, Hizbullah through Katyushas, and Syria, by giving route to weapons smuggled for fighting, and Iran through providing funding/training to all these groups, encouraging the fight against Israel, and developing nuclear weapons. Just today, the UN officials came out with the "sudden" news that Iran has a third more enriched uranium than previously expected. I'm sure that someone somewhere will find a reasonable explanation for this phenomenon, but in light of all these "coincidences", in light of the fact that Iran, and its minions, refuse to recognize the existence of Israel and time and again came out and openly stated the intent to destroy Israel... I will find these explanations VERY DUBIOUS.

That's what we're really facing, ladies and gentlemen. That's the big picture.

And we have to keep an eye on that, even as we discuss all the little pieces that make it up.

Anxious,
Irina

Realization of the Day

2009-02-18T22:04:00.002-05:00

Being a Jew is a mission.

That is all I had to say.

Thoughtful,
Irina

Valentine's Day Weekend Post-Mortem

2009-02-16T13:33:00.005-05:00

The weekend was busy.

Very busy.

The feeling of overload came from both all the stuff I actually DID, and from the stuff that HAPPENED in my head even as I was doing the actual stuff on the outside. So it was like two weekends in one.

Friday night was the MJE dinner/dessert program, where small groups of people were hosted by different families for dinner and then got together at one guy's beautiful apartment for dessert. Red Tulips and I lucked out and wound up having a dinner so fantastic that it was probably comparable with the best kosher restaurants (not that I go to the best restaurants, but I imagine that's the level of quality there). And the homemade warm chocolate souffle with coconut and raspberry sherbet for dessert was so good that I actually had no room for the "official" dessert that was served afterwards for the big group gathering.

Saturday I tried indoor rock climbing for the first time! I wound up going to a NJ Rock Gym with Recompiler, and his friends, and found the activity a lot of fun, though certainly challenging. Unfortunately, it did not go without accidents... but for me, the real challenge came from something else entirely. After fooling around in a "cave" for a little while, we went on to the belaying exercises. We decided to go for the beginner walls first and work our way up. At first, I wasn't too sure of how I would, do considering that I'm WEAK, but the first wall wasn't at all bad, and going back down gave me a rush of adrenaline, which was quite fun. The second wall was harder, and in fact, I got stuck at a couple of points, and didn't think that I'd be able to continue. However, a second before giving up and going down, something prompted me to give it one last try, and somehow I found a way to balance my body in a way that allowed me to continue. Now, if this were a movie, this story of triumph of will over matter would have been a perfect way to end the story, but that's not how real life works. In real life, we went on to the next wall, which is where I met my Waterloo. I just couldn't find a way of moving up, and reaching things, and though I tried and tried and tried, I was not able to get past the first few rows of rocks, though that wall was probably not the hardest one of the beginner walls, and no one else seemed to have any problems with it. I was getting increasingly frustrated with my inability to overcome what appeared to be a minimal obstacle, and only stopped my efforts when our belayer had to leave.

You have to understand that I'm a very driven Type A personality, and I refuse to take no for an answer. I WILL try and try till I get over whatever stands in my way. So it's only a matter of time and practice before I get that wall, as well. It would have helped if I hadn't been already rather tired from the previous exercises, but I was happy with myself that I didn't go on to other things without doing all I could to get to where I needed to be. I have to say, thought, that I later realized that the frustration I felt from trying and failing to climb that wall appeared to run deeper than I thought, and only later did I realize precisely why I was getting so frustrated over something so minor. At that time, however, I had not time to stand around and analyze as we went on to bouldering. I was so tired that I couldn't really progress beyond the first couple of rocks at any point on the boulder, so my efforts didn't really get me anywhere. The others, however, continued climbing the boulder, and getting to the increasingly challenged paths. It was on one of the harder sides of the boulder, that Recompiler met his downfall, when he, well, fell of a high point and injured his rib. :(

By the time, we left the gym, we were covered in chalk, and tired, but I had really enjoyed the activity, and was looking forward to giving it another try someday soon. The rock climbing was followed by a visit to a farm, where I met some very sweet dogs, horses, and very scared sheep, which will, unfortunately, go into the grinder at some point in the future. :( We had dinner and just hung out there for some time, until the night grew dark upon us, and it was time for me to head back home. I continued to ignore the feeling of frustration, which was actually, with me for the last few days, and which was not helped by my failure at the gym. Unfortunately, that frustration continued causing trouble as it affected the way I expressed what I wanted to say... quite negatively, making me sound upset with things that weren't really UPSETTING me at all, and keeping me from facing the real reason for being upset. Still, I thought that the day went quite well (minor failures and painful accidents notwithstanding; hey, that's life...), and came home in an optimistic mood, with a sparkle in my eyes and in my hands.

The next day, Sunday, I headed off to an exciting event on Jewish Capitalism, which included a lot of thought-provoking discussion, but as usual no real answers. Afterwards, I rushed to Red Tulips' second housewarming brunch (too many friend --> housewarming in installments). As usual, the food was great, as was the company, and the highlight was a box of exciting and delightful Indian sweets that one of the guests brought with her.

When the guests left, the two of us headed off to finally see "Slumdog Millionaire", which I had been wanting to see since I've heard all the excellent reviews. The movie was very sweet and engaging, and I enjoyed very much, but the real significance of this event lay in the fact that something in that movie made me realize what it was that has been bothering me for the better part of the week and surfaced during my run-in with the wall on V-day.

The source of my frustration turned out to be deceptively simple.

Lately, a little voice inside my head has been telling me that I'm feeling pressured to be too many things I'm not, to rise up to some kind of an insurmountably high standard, and that I'm not good enough just the way I am.

That has been the cause of much anxiety and annoyance, until the movie, when I finally realized several things:

1. That part of this feeling was entirely in my imagination, so I was blowing things out of proportion, as is my tendency.
2. The part of it that wasn't imaginary was actually coming from no one other than GOOD OLD ME. That's right, as usual I've been covering up my own dissatisfaction with self by blaming it on outside forces.
3. Actually, there's nothing wrong with not being complacent about the way I am. Because the trouble with me was that I've made some progress on self-evaluation, became better at reigning in negative emotions, controlling my temper, and acting more like a normal human being and less like a psycho, and stopped there, deciding that what I was doing was enough. Well, guess what, it's NOT. It's only enough for being somewhat tolerable company. It's not enough for reaching my full potential and for being the kind of interesting, exciting, and admirable human being I've wanted to be. Yes, I've been doing better, but that's no reason to stop and feel like I've done everything I can. I can always do MORE and BETTER, both for myself and for others. I think what opened my eyes was seeing to what lengths the protagonist of the movie, Jamal, went to overcome his circumstances and to reach his goals. Perhaps the exact details of the story are unrealistic, but rising above oneself and achieving things you'd never think you were capable of are certainly possible for EVERY human being who is willing to work on himself. And I've been lazy.
4. Isn't this what I wanted? To feel challenged constantly? To see opportunities for growth and exploration everywhere? To be trying new things, developing new aspects of my personality, and maturing and strengthening what I already have - wasn't that what I've yearned and searched for all my life? So why have I been feeling so resentful about embracing these challenges and take these opportunities to reevaluate myself and to improve in the areas where I'm lacking? Shouldn't I be happy about the endless journey of self-discovery that is my life right now, ecstatic that I'm finally getting *exactly* what I wanted and that I can become better, more interesting, more me than I'm already am, that I can learn new things, that I can become new things?
5. The answer is easy. When we want something, we visualize that something in theory, in 2D, but when the opportunity usually comes around, we're often not prepared, and what happens is usually not at all the way we've imagined it. Reality hits us, and even if we do recognize the opportunity, we don't always embrace it to the full extent, because that opportunity shows us our vulnerabilities, where we really stand, and in any case, it's easier to dream than to act, to play pretend and imagine, than to invest the work it actually takes to get the results you've only fantasized about. I got what I wanted, but THAT'S NOT ENOUGH. Now I actually have to work at it and work on myself and remember that I can't stop when I'm feeling discomfort, that I have to persevere, since I'm a work in progress, and only then will I be worthy of achieving my goals, only then will I be endowed with the rewarding outcome of progress. I've wanted to be challenged, but I had no idea what it would be like when it really happened. Hence, the resentment of actually having to respond actively, as opposed to sitting back and letting things happen to me, and resting on my laurels.
6. As soon as I thought back on these things, I snapped out of this feeling of frustration and got back to my active mode. Nothing's wrong with anything, I just fell into the trance of being a normal, lazy, ungrateful human being. I'm SO done with that and back to being the goal-oriented, life-loving, active, and determined Irina... Obstacles? Ha! Just you wait!

And I'm back to my usual programming, enjoying my life and what is happening to me... but also making things happen for myself, challenges notwithstanding. :)

Awakened,
Irina

Life Is Complicated

2009-02-16T00:49:00.002-05:00

I read through all these cards, and they all speak volumes. It's interesting how they are so easy to grasp even though I've never been through most of these experiences. Any thoughts on any of them?

Pondering,
Irina

Lovely, Lovely Day

2009-02-11T14:51:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling spring lately. It's been there, inside me for the last few days, partly due to the warm, tender weather and partly due to the fact, that despite the economy sinking like the Titanic, this IS my last semester in law school, and come what may, what I've acquired in the past few years, can't be taken away from me. Despite all the horribleness out there, I'm still feeling that no matter what I'll pull through somehow, and that life is one giant adventure. I just really, really want to LIVE, hard and fast (but long), taking it all in and yet enjoying every moment. I know I've said all this before, and then something happened and my mood totally changed. I'm sure I'll find myself in a gloomy mood again eventually, but for now, this is what I have, and more importantly, despite mood swings, gloominess, and rainy days, deep inside I DO have a positive attitude which got me so far, and that's the most important thing.

Oh and now I'm smelling some sweet, delightful aroma from outside, having opened my window for the first time in months. Everything's going to turn out well in the end! :)

Happy,
Irina

It's Called "Will To Live"

2009-02-05T23:46:00.003-05:00

"Defiance", which I saw this Wednesday with Recompiler, turned out to be the single most motivating movie I have seen in a long time.

It's a shame that the theater was barely filled and that the only people who watched it were other Jews.

I think this movie, while perhaps not the best piece of cinema in history, carried an incredible message of hope... but not through empty slogans. The hope here was brought through direct action, through fight, through daring, through resistance, yes, through defiance of the odds, of the sense of futility, social apathy, fears, weaknesses, loss, pain, and the world's cruelty and indifference. This social apathy and sense of futility is perpetuated in contemporary popular culture, where Jews are portrayed as weak, helpless victims with no willpower and nothing but quaint shtetl customs... either that as aggressive warmongerers if it's the media we're talking about. I think the last movie which showed modern Jews in an unequivocally strong and positive role was Exodus with Paul Newman. (The movie was pretty good, but the book was a million times better!!!) Since then all we had was either an endless series of bad comedies about assimilated and intermarried Jews or innumerable Holocaust movies, since, hey, everyone likes dead Jews.

The thing about this movie, however, is that the message speaks not only to Jews, but to everyone else as well. The message is that of the value of freedom and personal dignity, the triumph of the human spirit, and the love, zest for life, rather than eeking out a miserable existence in the hands of fate and forces of evil. Jews have a rich cultural history behind them, but as history has shown many times over, they actually CAN stand up for themselves when the push comes to shove... As with any other nation, the ones willing to lead the way, to face difficult choices, and to fight the good fight, are significantly outnumbered by the followers, which is only natural - and sometimes the fighters are kind of ignored for that reason. But they are there all right, and they are the reason why despite all seeming odds, Jews survive and win... again, and again, and again. (Yes, you can say that the REAL reason is God's will, but people have free will, and without some people to carry out that will, ... things probably would have worked out very differently). We need our intellectuals and we need our warriors. No one wants to live in a constant state of warfare and violence, but when it's necessary (and with Jews, it's pretty much always), you have to do what you have to survive, to protect your life, your interests, your freedom.

Some people are more active and aware than others. Some people are more motivated than others. Some people manage to work on despite their fears and personal weaknesses, who rise above the circumstances, and whose will is so strong that it helps them gain control even in the worst of situations and come out ahead. Those people are obviously rare and extraordinary... but that doesn't mean that what they do CANNOT be done by others, and shouldn't be an example to follow. Sure, it's hard, maybe even VERY hard... but we all can improve in that regard, become a little stronger, work to conquer some our weaknesses, and gain a little more control over own lives and to become a little more resourceful and practical in difficult or dangerous situations. Maybe not all of us can become wise and fearless leaders, but we can all become fully realized human beings with a sense of dignity, who cannot be broken by ruthless exterminators and their minions, whatever form they take. And that's what the movie was about. The Bielski brothers were unquestionable heroic and extraordinary, a rare breed, common, regular folk, who rose above their less-than-stellar pre-war status and the horrifying situations, to become what they perhaps would never have become had they not been pushed into these terrible circumstances. In some ways, they were like hobbits in Lord of the Rings, small and unprepared for the mission that burdened itself on them... but they found their way out, they grew, the learned how to manage, and despite all odds, they succeeded.

But besides a few unquestionable heroes, there were hundreds of others who made the choice to live.

Who followed the Bielski brothers, rather than staying in the ghettos and waiting for the inevitable end.

These people who followed all their lives, whose choices were made for them by the government, by those in power, by their communities and families all their lives... rose up and left to follow a better, though in the short run, less secure paths. That's what struck me as the most inspiring part of the movie. That people, even en masse, even when frightened, and brainwashed, and terrorized, and seemingly helpless... still turned out capable of making the right decision, of rising above their indecision, and choosing freedom over servitude, misery, and death. IF that happened once, it can happen again. (And did happen to the Zionist settlers and later immigrants, to the Soviet refuseniks, to dissidents of all creeds, all over the world). The only problem is, we tend to have very short memories and we forget. And now we're in a situation when many people seem to have forgotten what it means to be a real human being, in control of his situation, even despite the surrounding insanity.

This movie is a much-needed wake-up call.

Grateful,
Irina

The One That Got Away

2009-02-03T13:56:00.002-05:00

I haven't visited PostSecret in a long time, and when I finally did, there was a brief exchange that struck me right away. And under the above postcard, the following was written (and I have no idea how to link to it):

---Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, February 01, 2009 4:14 PM

I too was able to decipher the message. There will always be someone who would be hurt by your death.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, February 01, 2009 6:33 PM
Subject: an inconvenient secret

I'm sure you won't post this email:

The above is complete BS. There ARE in fact people whose death would not be noticed by even a single human being, much less cause anyone grief. This doesn't fit the feel-good ethos of PostSecret, but it's a brutal and tragic fact of modern life.

When I saw this exchange, I stopped reading and let my initial gut reaction subside. Both messages (the post card and the second response) were obviously written by people who went through or were going through a great deal of pain, and I can't even imagine how much grief they have experienced. Without knowing them or what they went through, I obviously cannot judge the context in which those words have been written. But you know, I do have to wonder, perhaps there IS some truth to what was said, at least for SOME people. I think it's impossible not to affect anything or anyone at all in any way; I do think we leave some influence. However, that is entirely different from the point made in the exchange, and that is that no matter what that effect actually may have been, some people's deaths will go unnoticed AS IF they didn't have any effect at all. I actually don't know which proposition is worse: the idea that someone can go through life without leaving any trace of himself behind or the idea that no matter how much effort one can put in influencing others, in trying to be noticed, they are all futile and doomed to failure, and even his tragic death will not get any response or even notice.

And I don't even want to think about what goes through somebody's mind before he decides to take the most drastic action just to draw some attention to himself at least in death if not in life. How miserable and insecure that person's very existence must have been to push him over the edge is obviously beyond my comprehension since I have never reached anywhere near that point, and I do feel such love and support from my family and friends while I am here among the living that I don't even have to ponder about their reaction to my untimely demise. There is absolutely no need for me to even think in that direction and any satisfaction of knowing that I would cause a lot of grief by dying would be of an extremely perverse kind. Still, leaving uncontrollable biochemical impulses aside, one does have to wonder how can anyone, anyone at all, feel that no matter what they do, no one ever will notice or care that they are dead. And if it is indeed true, what kind of a person might that happen to?

Let's leave the clinically depressed people whose very perception of their situation may very well be distorted by mental illness aside for a moment.

Let's think about bums/winos/homeless people/vagrants, whatever you want to call them. Many of them may have had family and friends but turned to life of alcohol or drug abuse and completely sank in their social status, broke off communications to people who once mattered to them and lapsed into their addictions with no attempt of ever returning to their former lifestyle. Others may be severely mentally ill or retarded people who were deinstitutionalized or let out into the streets by the families who no longer could or would take care of them. Still others may have been facing a combination of mental illness, a great deal of misfortunes which may have began early on in their childhood, and turned to substance abuse by the end of their lives or otherwise felt completely out of control. It may indeed be true that by the time they meet their end, all these people, largely unidentified and unknown, who wander the streets or spend away their time in shelters, may be so disconnected with the society at large and from each other that they may indeed pass away unnoticed. However, I doubt that any of them are aware of PostSecret, much less read it regularly or send post card to the websites in a desperate hope of attracting some belated sympathy and support, or at least attention.

Most likely, the postcard and/or response came from some miserable or disaffected person with some access to the means of communications and who was not so down on his luck as to be completely detached from the world around him. Most likely that person lives among "normal"/ordinary people and yet felt completely alienated and unnoticed. Do we have a tendency to ignore people who pass through our lives, are we indeed so disconnected from each other that we wouldn't notice that someone we knew disappeared or died?

I saw a recent and disturbing video posted on Facebook, of a Washington D.C. man who was beaten badly and left for the dead, as countless passers-by went around him, ignoring him completely. Need I remind of the parable of the Good Samaritan, where in the end someone compassionate did notice the unfortunate victim's predicament, thus giving THAT story a good ending? That was a lucky strike for the victim of the robbery, made to demonstrate a completely different point, that help may come from unexpected, and even otherwise suspect, sources. However, in the life that actually goes on around us, it may be that help may never come at all as in the Kitty Genovese case where a rape victim, begging for help was murdered, but the numerous on-lookers who lived in the same building failed to call the police, due to the general diffusion of responsibility, or worse yet, in so many case when old or ill people die quietly and completely alone surrounded by no one but their cats for company, and no one cares to investigate their disappearance until they smell something or until some unexpected legal issue arises and someone with an interest demands answers. Nevertheless, old and lonely people probably don't go browsing through PostSecret either.

The post card or the response may have been written by someone like that unfortunate man or even someone much younger and bitter at being a complete wallflower, of having no friends to turn and whose family was probably completely self-absorbed, or at least uninvolved in his life. Perhaps he or she had cried out for help and attention numerous times, acting out as a young child, reaching out to anybody who would care to listen later, and seeing nothing but disinterest from his peers, overworked or unqualified teachers, and busy parents. It is also possible that it's someone who, for whatever reaction, completely misinterpreted what was happening about him, and blew seeming lack of interest towards his person out of proportion, someone who was fundamentally insecure and who could not see the way out of the dark and lonely period in his or her life. Finally, it could easily have been someone who otherwise led a perfectly wholesome existence but has been embittered by observations of more fragile people who were mistreated or completely ignored by the society at large... but then, if that were the case, if he or she indeed saw such individuals who could have died without a soul caring or noticing, why didn't he take any action to intervene or befriend him?

But yet here I am again, in a hurry to judge.

Who knows what he or she has or has not done.

The reality is, whoever wrote those words was probably right, and there ARE some people who are indeed completely and utterly lonely, both subjectively and objectively, and who, for whatever reason, cannot break out from the shell of invisibility that covers them, who live unnoticed and who die equally alone. Not sure that I'm actually going to do anything about that... but the thought sure did stop me in my tracks and made me contemplate for a good moment.

Their lives... what will we ever know about them? Any one of them could have been somebody's relative, colleague, friend, or loved one. But in the end, all we will have is lack of knowledge, or guesses, or unfulfilled potential. Each person that will die without us ever noticing, is One Who Could Have Been (and even May Have been, though probably wasn't), The One Who Got Away.

Sad,
Irina

Football, I Think

2009-02-02T14:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was at my first Super Bowl party, in Central NJ.

I don't think I watched a full minute of the game while I was at the party. :)

Pre-football Obama show on TV notwithstanding, I had a great time, despite the fact that I didn't know any of the people at the party (well, ok, except for one person), and I usually freeze and become a wallflower at events with a bunch of people I don't know.

However, something happened to me and I went wild. (Use your imagination if you weren't there! :D )

It was fun, and there was a lot of joking around. I wish I could run a video of went on or at least could retell what happened but that is impossible for three reasons:

1) No one was actually recording it
2) I don't really remember everything in the order it was said/done, and even the best things taken out of context... don't work. In short, it's unreproduceable.
3) And well, some things that are appropriate among a small circle of people who mostly each other pretty well, is PROBABLY not such a great idea to pun on a public blog, if you know what I mean! ;)

Let's just say that I finally found a group of people who can join in on my morbid sense of humor, and then some. Oh, and I think I may wind up enjoy sparring a little too much.

Hmm, and come to think of it, I don't think people ever thought of tasers as implements for massage prior to my appearance.

So what did I learn from this experience?

That, um, I am not exactly the gray little mouse I like to pretend that I am.

And that the more I'm "encouraged"/challenged, the more I have a tendency to "up" the par and become even more "me" - whether it's a good thing or not is entirely subjective, of course, but personally I have a bit of trouble imagining more than one of me running around at the same time.

And finally... there's A LOT of me to go around, and sometimes I even surprise myself. You never know what you'll find when you meet me, so forewarned is forearmed. :D

(Oh, and when I get into a certain mood, My Inner Programmer... let's just say, he doesn't DARE come out of his dark dreary closet, whether recompilers are around or not).

On the back from the party, I was waiting for NJ Transit at an eerie, slightly unpopulated train station, and scared myself and my companion, another New York girl, by pontificating aloud what a great setting this station would make for a Stephen King novel. I also managed to terrorized some poor guy who was in vain trying to read his newspaper by wondering aloud whether he might be a Kingesque character just waiting for a chance to wreak havoc. As I continued to remark on his suspicious inability to look away from the newspapers, I could practically *see* grabbing it tighter and staring at it more intently than ever, since I was sitting two steps away from here and he could probably hear me very well. What can I say, I don't need alcohol to feel or act... tipsy! :P

Fortunately for many, I'm now back home and away from people who only egged me on by keeping up the same sort of banter. :D

On the wild side,
Irina

A Little Bit About Silver

2009-01-31T18:56:00.003-05:00

Today we marked my parents' Silver Wedding Anniversary, 25 years together.

It's hard to imagine that, considering all the divorces that I see around me and all the couples that don't even make it to getting married and just hook up and split up, feeling no need for symbols or official commitments.

We didn't do anything fancy; rather we had a little personal feast at home and just spent a bit of time together hanging out. And the thing is, much as we all wish we could have gone to an expensive restaurant, dressed up, got hold of a lot of guests, and took a million pictures, I looked at my parents at the table, and realized that none of that is what really matters in the long run. My parents were so happy together, and they were saying how they didn't have a single day of regrets, and how quickly the time flew by, which means that the most important thing happened - they somehow made it work.

They definitely have their differences, even substantial differences, but in the end they were committed enough to make it work, and loved each other, and they lasted all those years. So 25 years and one Irina later, they were sitting there as if they had just met and hoping to celebrate their Gold Wedding in another 25 years. (Hopefully, the economy and our finances will be in a better shape by that time!) And I have to say, I sat there and was a little envious of my parents (only in a good way, of course!), because I... I have no idea how to make it work like that. I know that they made it work DESPITE various difficulties, financial limitations, immigration, and various health problems and challenges.

All those things did not deter them from staying and working together. They obviously had their priorities in the right place, because for them it wasn't about physical appearances, or flashy items, or the materialistic stuff, it was always about doing what's best for the family. And while I am obviously different from both of my parents, and will perhaps looks for some slightly different things in marriage (i.e. a little more adventure would be nice), in the end I do have a lot to learn from them because unlike so many people they DID last all that time, and hopefully, aren't going anywhere.

I think what matters is what my parents do for each other and what they mean for each other. Celebrations are important as a symbol of acknowledgment, but in the end what counts is that they did reach that important mark and are happy. They did *something* right. While no marriage is ideal, I have to say, seeing something like that, the closest people one has, come to be together for such a long time, is certainly inspiring, and definitely shows that a feat like that is actually possible, as long as you keep in mind what really matters and don't get discouraged by all the negative examples of relationships you see around you. In the end, what people *should* be looking for is having a loyal, supportive friend by your side, someone with whom you can really share your life through all the happy times and hardships. That's not easy, and certainly takes work... but as I keep telling myself, all good things are worth fighting for.

I hope that my parents' wonderful milestone is just of one of many, many wonderful family occasions to come, and I hope that I can reflect on still more of their accomplishments together another 25 years from now with my parents by my side!

Inspired,
Irina

"Being Yourself" Is Overrated

2009-01-28T14:30:00.003-05:00

One of the most meaningless pieces of advice I've ever gotten (and gotten most often) is "Just be yourself".

At first glance, that advice seems sage and important, encouraging me to stay true to my goals and values, not to conform just to please other people, and not to pretend to be something I'm not.

OK then.

However, once we get through the obvious, what does this advice really mean? And how many people actually think about what it means before saying those words to somebody?

For instance if you're looking for a specific piece of advice on how to moderate your behavior to fit a new social situation such as an interview, vaguely saying "be yourself" is not always enough. And in fact, sometimes, you need to stop being yourself and act a little more formally and professionally than you otherwise would.

Furthermore, "being yourself" implies that you really shouldn't care what anyone thinks of you and that at some point you will meet people who will accept you exactly the way you are.

And to some extent, that is true.

However, I've also noticed a disturbing trend of individuals who strive to be supportive and whose attitude is that we all should just accept everyone just the way we are, that emotions are more important than analysis, and that people who are in some ways self-critical or introspective should just relax and "not be so hard on themselves".

With all due respect to those who honestly wish the best, that's not very helpful.

Because we DO need to be self-critical and introspective in order to grow.

And also, let's face it, sometimes we need to change certain things in ourselves, overcome our weaknesses, and to some extent, stop being who we are.

Because sometimes who we are is just not very attractive.

(Yes, I'm thinking of overly dependent whiny clingy people, or overly sensitive people who cannot take any criticism, or just about any person who is actually annoying but has an enormous sense of entitlement to other people's friendship!)

We are all works in progress; no one is perfect, and no one will ever be. But that doesn't mean we can't improve on ourselves and strive towards more success in what we demand of ourselves and in how we see ourselves in relation to other people.

There are many reasons why people can't always get along, and sometimes... sometimes it's at least partly their own fault. So rather than just blaming the other party for everything that had gone wrong, it may be worthwhile to look at oneself and see whether you can learn something from your past mistakes, and see if some of your behavior issues cause a pattern of relationships gone wrong, whether you seem to be repeating the same problems over and over again.

I think it's possible to develop one's willpower and self-control. I think it's possible to motivate oneself to become a better, more integral person. I also think it takes a LOT of self-analysis, time, effort, and desire to do so. It's not easy, and the hardest part is admitting that you've made a mistake, that you could have done better.

I think back on my past relationships, as well as my general attitude toward life, and feel like slapping hand over my forehead. There's no question that I have my share of blame in what hadn't worked out. I was younger, and it takes certain maturity and bad experiences to recognize what you're doing wrong, as well as what you can and cannot accept, things that are worth being concerned about and things that are trivial. By the way, having recognized what has been counterproductive in my attitude and behavior doesn't mean that I'm done with it, that I'm "cured" and that none of the same issues will ever come up. It's a battle to be waged every day, with varying degrees of success. It has gotten a little easier since I've learned to actively recognized destructive patterns in my thought processes, but that doesn't mean I can stop them altogether. My best result so far has been in not allowing these destructive thoughts to leave my head, in not allowing them to control me or to affect my behavior in significant ways. Inside, it's still hard. My Inner Programmer is still there. But I'm just better at not showing it.

Sometimes being yourself is not enough. Sometimes you have to make that extra effort. No, forget sometimes. Every day you have to wake up trying to accomplish one little extra thing, trying to improve at least a little bit over what you've accomplished so far. Otherwise you've been wasting the time you don't really have, given how short and unpredictable life is. It gets to be a little overwhelming because there are so many directions in which to grow and so many things I could have done better and should be doing better. But one step at a time. Every time I didn't blow up and explode at something that annoyed me is already a victory. Every time I avoided an unnecessary confrontation and was smarter and came up with a reasonable solution is a victory. Self-control is strength. Self-awareness is strength.

It's easy to let yourself off the hook by saying that you're just being yourself or that you can't help it. But the work is worth it and very rewarding when you know that this is one more time you haven't caused yourself and others unnecessary pain, that you've abstained from saying something you will later regret or turning away from something worthwhile just because you don't have enough patience to WAIT and to work through a difficult situation.

It took me years and a lot of tears and aggravation to learn that lesson, and even now it still doesn't come easy to me, and I literally have to restrain myself from acting on impulse, to think before I say something, or sometimes to say nothing at all. I have so many weaknesses, and I have to admit to myself that I do have them, that these issues are not going away by themselves, and that I have to deal that everything that comes up. I can't expect from other people any more that I'm willing to do myself, so if I want those who surround me to make an effort for my sake and to overcome what bothers me but what suits them just fine, I FIRST and FOREMOST have to become the kind of person that will earn respect of the people who know me, and who is WORTH working towards and working alongside.

I am not sure what I'm expecting from this entry, except I'm finally voicing what's been on my mind for a long time. I'm very happy with minimizing the number of unpleasant incidents and with the work I've accomplished with myself for the past several months, but I also have to acknowledge that there's infinite room for further progress and development, and that I don't have any right to stop now and say I'm done, that I can afford to "just be myself". I think I have good "roots", a good starting point, but those roods need to be nourished, and the inevitable weeds need constant watching and weeding out. It's hard, and I don't expect everyone to always understand what I'm going through, because sometimes even my best efforts are not enough, and if there's no result, it doesn't really matter sometimes, because sometimes the result IS all that counts. But I'm trying to act in good faith at least before myself, even if there's no one around, even if what I'm doing doesn't necessarily reflect in my actions immediately and in the way that I would like it to reflect.

It'll come, I know it. I have no intentions of stopping this work, and I think that I have enough will power to make my resolve actually matter, to make it something tangible and not just words, to earn my own self-respect and the trust and respect of others, if not more.

Resolved,
Irina

I'm Seeing Doubles

2009-01-27T14:58:00.001-05:00

Mazal Tov to Danny and Kendall on the twins they are expecting. Hopefully, the next two trimesters will go well and the kids are born in good health and in the right time!

Joyous,
Irina

Just Say No To Drugs

2009-01-26T12:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was the second session of my book club's meeting, to discuss January's pick, Lesley Arfin's "Dear Diary". The gathering unanimously condemned the book for lack of substance and complete self-absorption on the part of the author. Essentially, the book is a diary entry, which Lesley published as a column, except she went back and called up many of the people she mentioned in the book and interviewed them. I was very annoyed for having to read something that was little more than a teenage diary, and not a particularly well-written one as well, especially in comparison to Anne Frank's diary or Go Ask Alice (which also dealt with drug addiction, but where the author died of OD). Furthermore, it felt completely disjointed, and there was no real connection between the entries. All the people she mentioned through the years... never came up again. She didn't seem to have any real friends, and there was not one positive thing about anyone in her diary. She failed to explain anything about the most important relationships in her life - with her parents, and sister, who turned out to be completely normal.

Lesley's story started out like a lot of teenage girl's stories. She wanted to be popular, but had a falling out with the queen bees, was a bullied for a while, felt lonely, and peer pressured... and that's when her story parts ways with that of most people I know. Although she came from a seemingly normal middle-class Jewish family in Long Island, when faced with life's ordinary difficulties, she preferred to whine and complain about everything and then started hanging out with the bad girls, who got her involved in drugs. She wallowed in misery and self-pity all throughout, and drugs seemed to be her answer to relieving ennui, rather than due to any actual serious issues in her life. Furthermore, she drew no real lessons from her experiences, and by the end of the book she appeared just as insecure and self-absorbed as when she started out, calling up random guys from junior high school and asking them why they haven't had a crush on her (what an incredible sense of entitlement to boot!)

And while it's good that she learned enough not to do drugs anymore, I saw no real growth reflected in her diary, which rendered the whole project kind of pointless. Don't get me wrong, a lot of what she has written (up to the part about smoking, having random sex, and drugs) resonated with me and caused me to have flashbacks to my own less-than-stellar junior high school and high school experiences. Yes, I was unpopular and bullied in junior high school, partly because I was very outspoken and non-conformist and got on everybody's nerves, and partly because that's how life works and bullies sense when someone's insecure and go after him or her. Finally I got tired of it, and a) took responsive measures and b) stopped caring. I was left alone in favor of new victims, and with time even gained a kind of grudging respect for being myself and for not being afraid of bullies. I've learned to stop being victimized, not to care what people I don't respect think of me, etc. Life went on, I moved on, and everyone grew up to some extent. No biggie, and certainly not a tragedy. At some point, I realized that I don't want cheap popularity for its own sake, that I have enough self-respect to believe in and stand up for my own values, and that I prefer a small but close circle of good friends who share those values and whom I find interesting over a crowd of superficial acquaintances.

With time, I learned that I was far from the only one in that situation, and that most people I know and have some modicum of respect at this point in my life, have gone through similar experiences, and have coped and responded in their own ways... but in the end, everyone turned out to be all right. So... seeing how many people have managed to pull through without going nuts or going on drugs or feeling like victims for the rest of their lives... I'm still not quite sure where Lesley had gone wrong and why she assumed that most teenage girls actually wind up in HER situation as opposed to learning to be more secure, growing up, and standing up for themselves. Sure, maybe Lesley's parents could have been somewhat more involved in her life, but as she admitted, her sister was raised exactly the same way, and yet she was ok and didn't have any of the same issues. The problem with Lesley, I think, is that she was actually weak, spoiled, never taught how to deal with difficulties, and as a result, had no willpower whatsoever. So she gave up immediately without ever trying to analyze the situation or herself, without ever stopping to question why she wanted popularity so much, why she was so insecure, and why other people mattered to her so much more than her own opinion of herself. She was a typical follower... and followers aren't generally very interesting to read about unless they break out of it. Furthermore, she took that role to the worst possible end, and I'm surprised she didn't wind up dead or in prison. She got off very easily, and perhaps, for that reason, never really learned the real lesson of her situation or to face up the consequences of her actions.

So yes, while we started out basically the same way... we made drastically different choices about our lives, and in the end, became very different people. Lesley is currently clean (as far as I know), has a regular column (its quality notwithstanding), and is in a long-term relationship. She's doing all right for herself, although perhaps, she could have been doing better had she been motivated by something other than an endless quest for drugs and self-pity in college. I'm am where I am right now, and although I have a long and difficult road ahead of me, I'm very happy with what I'm doing, I have a wide range of interests, supporting family and friends, and what's no less important, good judgment and common sense, or at least good enough to avoid serious trouble. So I'll be ok, as well. I'll be better than ok, because I have goals and I know how to reach them, and I have the tools to overcome obstacles in my life. Lesley, on the other hand, thus far has been dependent on her family to help bail her out when things got too difficult, and I'm not sure what she's going to do when she's faced with other problems later on in life. You can't float through life on luck alone.

She still hasn't learned self-analysis; she still hasn't addressed the issues that have been plaguing her since childhood.

She still appears to see the world the same way as when she was 11 or 12. I don't think she ever truly grew up. Which is a problem.

And what did I learn from the book? Absolutely nothing, except that I'm very lucky to have willpower to resist my own insecurities and to be thankful for having made the decisions I've made. :)

Confident and secure,
Irina

P.S. My advice to bullies: Stay away and don't mess with me. I CAN and WILL stand up for myself, whatever it takes. :)

Guantanamera

2009-01-21T13:43:00.003-05:00

Obama is in office and whatever you think of it, he's there to stay for the next four years.

He's made a lot of pre-election campaign promises, some of them appearing to be conflicting and others, out of bounds of reality altogether... but of course, what matters is not what he said but what he does as a president.

And the first thing that he did was order the suspension of trials of five Guantanamo cases, with the possible executive order about shutting down the Guantanamo facilities pending.

That is of concern to me for two reasons.

The first reason has to do with the issue of Guantanamo as such. Obama's justification for the 120-day suspension of the trials is that he wants to study the way military commissions work and whether they are a fair way of dealing with the Guantanamo detainees, whether justice will be accorded to them through that system, etc.

What are the possible outcomes of his study of the military commissions?

1) Obama can accept the ACLU-type claims, have all charges of these 5 individuals dropped, and let them go. I think that's extremely unlikely, for reasons that are fairly obvious. These individuals are suspected of involvement in plotting 9/11 attacks and as long as there is sufficient reason to believe that their identities match the suspects and evidence of involvement... letting them go would be a VERY poor decision.

2) Obama can have them transferred to the United States and tried as regular criminal defendants in the federal system. My problem with that is... terrorists are not simple criminals. They don't just commit crimes against specific victims, they plot to damage the fabric of the society. Terrorists have political goals and belong in an entirely different category from regular murderers. Furthermore, according political enemies of the United States the same rights as common criminals (especially if they happen to be foreign nationals as opposed to U.S. Citizens) is not something that I would like to see happen. Our criminal justice system has limited resources, for one thing, so practically speaking by giving the same rights to foreign nationals suspected of involvement in terrorism as we accord to "regular" criminal defendants we WILL be taking away from those criminal defendants, who, although in the end may be guilty as sin, do not stand against the United States. Putting the issue of resources aside, however, our criminal justice system is suited for dealing with crimes, not political conspiracies, and I very much doubt that the outcome will be fair and the functioning effective. Finally, from a policy standpoint, terrorism is not just a "crime" as we are used to think about it. It should not be treated as such, for it encompasses a lot more than what the criminal statutes and common law currently cover. Terrorism is a technique to instill fear in the society and to reach political goals; it frequently involves targeting non-combatants and thrives through media attention. It is politics, not crime.

3) Obama can choose to treat them as war criminals and subject them to military court-martials again, in the United States. The problem with that is...terrorism is not necessarily a classical war crime. We can be at war with states, but many terrorist organizations are independent actors, and do not act the way state combatants would - wear no insignia or uniforms, are not subject to the military command structure, and certainly do not observe the Geneva Convention requirements for treatment of prisoners. That, and they largely target non-combatants/civilians. So they don't really fit into our "war criminal" program either. Either we need a very significant "Laws of War" overhaul so we could fit non-state agents who behave the way terrorists do... or we can't really subject these guys to the system and expect effective results. And any such overhaul will take a loooong time, and would not be applicable to the detainees today.

4) Obama can re-form and relocate the military commissions according to what he finds. To be honest with you, I'm not at all sure what this would mean. Would Obama find new people to re-try these detainees from the beginning? Would he have the same commissions re-try the detainees using whatever new rules he will formulate? And where will he relocate them?

5) Leave everything as is, and resume regularly scheduled trial programming in May. I'm not convinced that's what Obama really wants or will want once he's done studying. I'm thinking it's going to be either 3 or 4, and that bothers me.

The second part of the Guantanamo scenario is closing down the base altogether. Obama warned his supporters that it would be a long and difficult process, but no one knows what that actually means in practice, and worst of all, I'm not sure that Obama himself does. There are several possibilities that strike me right now:

1) Let the people go. All of them. That is very unlikely, IMHO, for the same reasons as what I wrote above. 61% of Guantanamo detainees who were let go returned to the battlefield, which is not something ANY American president in his right mind would want.

2) Transfer them to the United States, charge them as criminals and proceed from there... Already covered, plus much less likely with the big crowd of detainees than with just five of them. I really think the burden on the current system will be too much, the jurisdictional issues will take forever and a day to resolve... And the stagnation will continue, albeit in a different form.

3) Treat them as war criminals and court martial. That option has the same problems as court martialing the above-mentioned five detainees, plus you still have to figure out how and whether to charge them. We may not have enough classical evidence to charge them with war crimes, even if we somehow made terrorism fit into the Laws of War, but the statistics of recidivism are high enough that we don't want to let them go either. Stalemate again.

4) Transfer them out to another location... Which means what exactly? Exactly. Guantanamo got a bad rep due to the scandals of the past few years, but that doesn't mean that a new place will fix all the alleged problems. In fact, I'm pretty sure that closing down the Guantanamo at this point, would be merely symbolic. Meanwhile you still have to put the detainees somewhere, and unless you actually bring them to the United States under any of the above-mentioned scenarios, nothing will actually change. They'll be stored in some other base, which will have a different name; Obama will promise more oversight to make sure there are no tortures, and that's about it. I really don't think the current administration has any kind of plan; I think Obama felt compelled to promise SOMETING to differentiate himself from his unpopular predecessor, so he did. And now that he is there, he is facing EXACTLY the same issues as Bush did, and is equally stumped.

So much for the Guantanamo issue as such.

My SECOND problem with this whole thing is Obama's apparent priority. Day 1 of his administration, and THIS is what he chooses to deal with first, as opposed to the dire economic crisis affecting over 300 million Americans???

Something's wrong with this picture.

Not a promising start.

Apprehensive,
Irina

If Anyone Needs A Hacker...

2009-01-18T00:33:00.002-05:00

A good friend of mine just got laid off from his job as a security consultant at British Telecom and is currently looking for a job in network security. He has extensive experience in the field and will provide more information as needed. If any of you know of any positions available or could give any leads or know anyone who might have more information, I would be very grateful for any information.

Please feel free to distribute Vlad's resume and to contact Vlad at his email directly if you have any questions or information. His email is recompiler@omnistep.com.

Grateful for any help or suggestions,
Irina

Giving Thanks Without An Occasion

2009-01-16T21:57:00.002-05:00

This is not Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Father's Day, or any other major holiday, but you don't really NEED a special occasion to feel grateful.

And I feel very grateful right now.

Thank God and my parents for giving me at least an iota of common sense.

Some of the things I hear and read about people spending their entire lives divorced for reality blow me away.

So it is with a huge sigh of relief that I acknowledge that I'm not one of them, and that even when I do live in a dream world, I have enough CS in me to wake up in time for all the major decisions and the important stuff.

Having common sense, rather than relying on novels, soap operas, and celebrities, to shape your life for you, is a GOOD thing. Remember this.

Incredulous,
Irina

A Busy Schedule

2009-01-15T10:54:00.002-05:00

You'd think that by my third year of law school, I'd have just about enough of analysis, papers, and discussions and would make my last semester an easy and relaxing one. Well, if you really DO think that, you obviously haven't been reading my blog for long, because "easy and relaxing" don't seem to be part of my lexicon. :) I'm taking six classes of varying complexity... and trying to squeeze in various extracurricular activities in between. This might be a recipe for disaster, but I can't imagine myself living any other way.

So this semester I'm in for...

Criminal Litigation Drafting - This class will cover the essential drafting challenges from a simple criminal complaint, through investigation, on to trial. We will work with one fact pattern. The method will be interactive, open-ended. Each student will run his or her own case using the fact pattern, drafting various documents required at each step. With the aid of criminal attorneys appearing as guest speakers, we will explore the fundamentals of a safe, persuasive drafting practice from both the defense and government perspective. A background in criminal law or procedure, though helpful, is not required.

I figured that I'll probably start out in some criminal law capacity, because that's basically one of my major legal interests and a good start for the direction I'm interested in... And getting an early start on practicing and forming good writing skills is only a plus, as far as I'm concerned.

CRIMINAL PROCEDURE: PROSECUTION, DEFENSE, AND ADJUDICATION -

This course, taught by the former Director of the Enron Task Force, deals with constitutional and statutory provisions governing the prosecution, defense and adjudication of criminal cases against individuals and corporations. Topics include the use of the grand jury, the charging process, the Fifth Amendment right to remain silent, the Sixth Amendment right to counsel, bail and pretrial release, "perp" walks and pretrial publicity, Brady v. Maryland, discovery, the right to a speedy trial, joinder and severance, the reasonable doubt standard, the right to trial by jury, the rights of confrontation and compulsory process, and sentencing.

Although I won't be practicing federal law for a good few years, it's good to have a background of major concepts and cases, and being prepared early, at least in theory, may wind up being helpful later on. Besides, showing an interest early on may send positive signals to future employers at some point.

FOURTH AMENDMENT: CURRENT CONTROVERSIES -

This seminar will offer an in-depth study of the Fourth Amendment, combining both theory and practice in focusing upon important current controversies. Subjects open to consideration include pending Supreme Court Fourth Amendment cases; search and seizure issues that are not on the Supreme Court's docket but remain subject to considerable uncertainty under the current state of the law, such as the validity of police using consent to engage in full-blown vehicle searches during involuntary traffic stops, or the scope of suspicionless pre-conviction strip searching in juvenile detention centers; the N.S.A. wiretapping program, and more generally the present Bush Administration's claims of executive search powers related to the "War On Terror"; and the intersection between the Fourth Amendment and technological issues, from concrete disputes (e.g., customs officials' authority to search the contents of laptop computers at the border) to potential disputes (such as the implications of "brain fingerprinting" through functional magnetic resonance imaging technology).

Students will have an important role in choosing the topics and identifying the material to be covered, and thus must be self-motivated. Grading will be determined through participation and completion of a semester-long project of each student's choosing, such as a research paper.

This is basically an independent study/seminar type of class, very small, and not really structured. We have to choose our own projects and present them at the end of the term, and we're strongly encouraged to utilize "real world" resources and not just the library. Which is exactly what I'm planning to do. I love 4th amendment-type of issues, and am very excited to apply the legal issues to a developing area, such as technology. This feels more real-life than just sitting in class and listening to a lecture, since we're encouraged to seek out and interview/observe practitioners.

INTERNATIONAL AND INTERETHNIC CONFLICT
RESOLUTION

This course considers the growing phenomena of interethnic and intractable conflict in the global community. Students will examine several dispute resolution processes for the resolution of interethnic conflict and consider the role of international organizations and institutions in conflict management.

Hey, this class perfectly caters to my interest in international affairs. I'll be using this to satisfy my Writing Requirement, finally.

NATIONAL SECURITY: CONFRONTING TERRORISM -

This course will examine the United States� principal options for dealing with suspected terrorists after they have been identified. We will begin by discussing the preventive detention of suspected terrorists under federal law, international human rights law, the law of war, and selected national regimes. We will also address legal constraints on the treatment of detainees in American custody, as well as the mechanisms for challenging improper detention under federal law and the Constitution. Next, we will turn to criminal trials in Article III courts and before military commissions, examining procedural problems as well as grounds for substantive criminal liability. Third, we will examine the legal framework governing the rendition of suspected terrorists to other countries. Finally, we will address the question of targeted killings: whether they can ever be justified, and if so under what circumstances. The course will proceed from a domestic perspective, but will draw on international legal norms as a significant source of authority throughout.

My goal is to prosecute terrorists one day or at least to work in some National Security-related area in some capacity, so obviously this course piqued my interest. Unfortunately, the class started off with two sessions being canceled, but hopefully, we'll make that up. It's yet another paper, but I'll somehow manage it. Just don't ask me how.

TRIAL ADVOCACY - Sections of this course are taught by experienced litigators. The course deals with techniques and strategies in civil and criminal litigation. Students face typical problems from all phases of trial practice with an emphasis on methods of developing facts, including direct examination, cross examination, exhibit introduction, impeachment, opening and closing statements. A lecture and demonstration of the above skills is presented to all students enrolled in the Trial Advocacy sections for the first eight weeks of the semester. For the entire semester, students meet once a week with their individual instructor.

The section I enrolled in is taught by the Brooklyn District Attorney, Charles Hynes. For obvious reasons, I very excited to get started... only to find myself facing a bit of a mess due to a misunderstanding. Am keeping my fingers crossed that it will work out in the end. Oh, and it's a pass/fail, so at least here I don't have to worry about exams/papers.

Yeah, it's an overload.

No, I don't regret it... YET.

Insane,
Irina

The Car to Nowhere

2009-01-14T23:11:00.004-05:00

It was a dark and stormy night...

No, really, it was!

It was pouring, very cold, VERY dark. I was surrounded by forest in the middle of nowhere, standing across from a small pile of weapons... and the only other person there was someone whom I've only met a couple times before, and neither of the times was in the dark Pennsylvania forest in the rain with no people, and no sounds, except for some creatures howling in the background. Could have been coyotes, could have been stray dogs gone wild for all I knew.

How do I get into these situations??

Still, for all the unusualness of my current circumstances, it could have been a lot of worse.

At the beginning of the journey that would bring me to that point, we stopped by to grab some food. After all, even brave adventurers need to refuel once in a while! ;)

It was snowing, and cold, and in my usual fashion, I couldn't be bothered with using my umbrella. However, I did slide my jacket hood over my hat, since I didn't want to get my hair wet. The hood slid over my eyes, but I didn't move it up because the car was only a minute away from the food place and I knew exactly where that was.

And indeed, the car was right there, where I last saw it, in locked and secured condition.

I pulled on the door and it opened easily. I started climbing into the car, when...

When the driver, who was already sitting inside, start yelling something at me. I looked up only to see that I was facing a COMPLETE stranger. A stranger, who looked NOTHING like my actual companion.

At the same time as this fact registered, I heard Recompiler's voice. He walked over to the car and was sure that I was right behind him, but after noticing that I was being suspiciously quiet, he turned, only to see me climbing into somebody's car.

The cars weren't even the same color, really. I just saw a flash of gray from under the hood, decided that I found my destination, and if no one had called me out, probably would have driven away in an unknown direction before I realized that something wasn't quite right.

*sigh*

*My parents have no idea about this little incident, by the way.

So, as I was standing in the forest, I realized that my current circumstances were not nearly as crazy as they could have been had I actually gotten into the car and had the guy in the car not expressed surprise at my sudden appearance.

Sure, I was taking a chance... but hey, I was living the life I've always wanted...

And yes, one of the things I've always wanted was to find myself holding a big gun and pretending to be James Bond-in-training. In the middle of nowhere. Under pouring rain. Because, let's face it, when it's sunny and warm and you know exactly where you are, and instead of a pile of weapons, all you have is a pile of widgets...what's the fun in that?!

(continued)

(to be continued),

Adventurous,
Irina