Silencing The Beast

There's so much ugliness going on in the world right now. But today I woke up in a good mood and didn't want to think about it.

Instead I went to see the Broadway version of "Beauty and the Beast", along with my mother. It was absolutely fantastic; both the singing and the gorgeous special effects. The only annoying part was the audience itself. Many people, even without children came very late, and had to be ushered to their seats. Others kept standing up, talking, walking around, or walking in and out during the show. Changing seats, too. I mean, come on. We're paying at least $40 a ticket (and that's at the rear of mezzanine!) We should be able to watch the show in peace, shouldn't we?!

Anyway, Beauty and the Beast has always been my single favorite animated movie, so I've wanted to see it on Broadway for a very long time - yet somehow never quite got to it. I was glad to hear even more songs, and see the quite of incredible transformation of decorations, which definitely wasn't possible with the animation. Animation has its pluses, but theater has different strengths, so for me, it was almost like watching a whole new concept unravel. Y'all must be rolling your eyes at me really fast right now - come on, a law student - into animation? DISNEY shows? You've got to be kidding! Well, perhaps I am being kidlike. But, hey, it's not like my puerile tastes hurt anybody. I'll have plenty of time to enjoy "adult entertainment", I'm sure.

But there's something warm and innocent and sweet about these old fairy tales with a slightly modern twist. Something... timeless, perhaps? Whatever the case may be, they always manage to take my mind off the horrible stuff I see on TV. The songs are enchanting, the costumes are colorful, the secondary characters are hilarious - and the problems are real, so real. I mean, how many times have *I* been looked on as odd? How many times have I felt like a misfit, and turned to books to help me escape the mundane reality? How many times did I need reassurance of my parents to see there was nothing wrong with me, that I am fine and my interests are fine, and my somewhat wild imagination can be an asset? Too many to mention. And right now, I'm also starting to realize that there's more to living in a wonderful world than imagining it and hoping for a miracle or someone to rescue you or just getting away someplace magical. Much more important is the way you see life around, and the way you MANAGE to find that magic even in places where it seems to be non-existent.

However... what I am also starting to understand, is that I'm not just like Belle, but in many instances, also like the Beast, a defensive, insecure, and somewhat wild being, who's been hiding from dealing with its issues for far too long. It's that part of me, which tells me, the moment there's a ray of hope that things will turn for the better - "no, no, you'll never get this right. Can't you see you're a loser? Haven't your numerous failures shown that there's no hope of success for you, no chance for happiness? Go ahead, chase everyone away. Scare 'em off. They just want to fool around and then laugh at you." And I turn porcupine-like and awful. In the show/film, the Beast is easy to detect; he's ugly on the surface and he's been punished for his ill temper and being spoiled. My "beast" is internalized; it's that part of me I call my "Inner Programmer", and which happens to be the part of me that sabotages my attemtps at healthy interactions with human beings as well as any social life outside the blogosphere.

Although I periodically succumb to his (meaning IP's) twisted charms, fortunately, lately, it's been happening less and less frequently. I'm becoming successful at silencing the beast, at dealing with others in a more adequate and appropriate manner. Of controlling my (self)-destructive urges. I've been getting more involved in life in spite of IP. Or perhaps, even, to spite IP! Just a few months ago, I recall being miserable about being lonely, unneeded, bored, unappreciated, and furthermore gettin' no respect as a college student. I also hated The Waiting. The Waiting for the Real Life to start and for all the Interesting People to come along... and all the advice to Just Start Living Right Now? It really didn't make any sense to me. I was already doing the best I could.

And to some extent, I really couldn't hurry life up. There was only so much I could about my status or perception by others until I started law school. Let's face it, there's a certain stereotype about being a college student, especially in my age group. And yes, being a law student is VERY different. We're treated with much more respect both by our professors and everyone else, for a variety of reasons. That alone, however, has little to do with my much more optimistic state of mind. Over the summer I learned to take advantage of opportunities, which came along. To notice and appreciate even the small opportunities, and view them as Real Adventure. As a result, not only did my life suddenly started appearing much more interesting, though not much has actually changed, but I did actually start seeing new opportunities, and moreover, gained skills which allowed me access to opportunities I couldn't have gotten before. Creativity came in handy, and in short, by now I feel like I really AM living my life the way I've always wanted it to, though, perhaps, not exactly the way I imagined it would happen.

And the beast has been silent more and more often lately. I think I'm getting better at fighting and weakenign my Inner Programmer. Perhaps, one day my IP will realize that it's best for him to retire altogether, as his services are no longer required. Until then... I'll be working on my Beauty side as well.

Determined,
Irina