This Thursday, I found out that I passed the NY Bar. I found that out at work and was so shaken that I could barely move for a few minutes. I had managed to convince myself completely that I failed and would have to take it over... and so when I opened the website and so the congratulatory note, I couldn't believe my own eyes. I was sure it was some kind of mistake. I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm done, that there's no prep work, no need to worry about exams, that I will not be living a nightmare for the next few months, that there IS no do over. I am done.
In many other ways, however, that is just the beginning. Now I am taking on a new role of a professional and becoming what I've always wanted to be. I have such a long road ahead... But it's well worth all the effort. I am a bit overwhelmed right now, but will be celebrating very soon, and hopefully this union will be a good fit and I will serve as a lawyer... as an attorney, for the good.
Oh, and I would not have been where I am were it not for the endless (and not always deserved!) support of my family and friends. Knowing that people believe in you no matter what you think about yourself and are ready to be there for you even if things do not go the way you want them to is like having an extra energy source to draw from. I'm incredibly grateful and blessed.
But oh my goodness, I can't believe this is finally over!!!!!!
Pleasantly astounded,
Irina/Nissan
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Monday, November 02, 2009
Patience
I've never been a patient person. Whereas my mind easily understands tired old adages such as "Patience is a virtue", "Good things come to those who wait", etc., I've found myself lacking in translating the understanding into action. It's just so... hard. Finding patience is a lifelong daily battle that seeps through every aspect of my existence. Lately, having to find patience to deal with the realities I am facing has been especially challenging and stressful. Whether it means adjusting to the political and economic issues of the day, waiting for the Bar results, job search and inevitable financial dependence on my parents, problems with my computer, or just about anything else you can imagine, my ability to wait patiently has been in question.
The attitude "It's not like I have a choice; I can as well not stress out about it" would have come in handy, but it's incredibly difficult to cultivate. No matter how many times I tell myself to wait and not psych out, no matter how I rationalize being patient and not distress, in the long run it doesn't really help, doesn't work all that well at all. I think impatience is part of my inclination and temperament, not just a bad habit, though bad habit has certainly aggravated it. Unfortunately this impatience is badly affecting my Rosh Hashanah resolution to be become a more positive person, to have a better attitude towards life, being grateful for what I have, etc. It's difficult being appreciative and calm and peaceful and in control when inside you feel anything BUT, and when all you want to do is have the things you want HAPPEN ALREADY, gawd.
It's especially difficult for me right now, because I feel torn, unsure of what it is that I actually should or should not be doing. I have delved into studies of Judaism in the hopes that I will learn something from this experience. I don't expect my studies to necessarily fill the gaps in my personal belief system, but I am hoping that I can learn from all the wisdom that has accumulated in Judaism over the ages, and that in applying that to the way I view my life, I will benefit practically, I will become a better, more aware person with more self-control and more ways to contribute. And while I've been able to apply certain things that we have discussed in certain specific instances, which is encouraging... in other ways, I fall far short. I mean, as hard as I try to emulate the Patriarchs and the Matriarchs, and to avoid various mistakes made even by the greatest of Biblical characters... I fall far short, to put it mildly. What made some of the greatest people in the Torah so great was their incredible patience and their faith in God. It's easier to be patient when you have such absolute faith. My faith is... far from perfect. It's not that I *deny* that there is a God, but a lot of the time, no matter what it is that I actually believe, I *still* feel as confused and scared about the future as if I didn't believe in anything at all. I am not sure why that is; perhaps because it is a normal thing to everyone NOT endowed with the gift of prophecy. I mean, not knowing the final outcome makes things pretty uncertain, doesn't it?
On the other hand, I may be getting it all wrong, and the Patriarchs had the gift of prophecy BECAUSE their belief and trust in God was so strong. Whatever the case may be, staying optimistic and hopeful in the face of challenges and uncertainty is a separate challenge all in itself, and having faith in overcoming all the obstacles is not an easy sill to learn and apply, at least not for me. This confrontation with my "character flaw" is coming at a time when I'm facing a personal crisis in the form of a paradigm shift. Imagine living all your life believing in one thing, and having no problem applying that belief of yours to everyone you meet, and then one day, realizing that the way you view things is becoming a contradiction, that you have to resort to SCOTUS-like sophistry in order to explain the duality of condemning certain actions in certain people, while somehow justifying the same things in others. If you are skilled in life in finding exceptions to various rules and rules to the exceptions you can explain away just about anything, find whatever excuse you want, and resolve and placate any doubt or contradiction in your mind. And if you want to law school, that's basically all you learn how to do, so if you don't find yourself doing just that in your daily life in order to make the world around you make a better fit for yourself, consider that you've wasted three years of legal education.
Nevertheless, if I were to be *really* honest with myself... it's sometimes very *difficult* to be truly honest with myself when I'm conducting such manipulations with respect to people I actually know. If I have any personal biases towards individuals and their actions, in questions, be these biases favorable or the opposite, that already creates a problem with applying the ethical rules I try to apply to life consistently, which can only mean one thing... I wind up evaluating *someone* unfairly. How does that tie in into my diatribe about my battle with impatience? Clearly, favorable evaluation of by definition imperfect human beings requires a certain level of patience towards their imperfections. Obviously no one can accept everything. We all draw our own ethical lines, but for some people some things are more important than others, and what one person can tolerate or not even take issue with, someone else cannot.
Essentially, I have the dilemma of seeing people that matter to me in some way act in a way that would ordinarily repulse me or at least condemn those specific actions. But the problem here is, when I see similar behavior in other people, I see those acts in isolation, as well as their actual or potential effects on others, and so I can dispassionately evaluate those specific acts, line them up against what I think is right, and make a relatively coherent assessment. However, with people you know, that is much more difficult, because although you may distance yourself and reluctantly agree that in isolation those acts are not very much different from the way others have done in similar circumstances and for which you've judged them disfavorably for a certain extent, with people you know better you either tend to find excuses and justifications and explanations for why they have acted that way or find nuances that would make what they do somehow better or different, or you cannot ignore the big picture. You know these people as a whole, and that whole colors their individual acts, and their positives outweigh their negatives, or you find some other aspect of their lives as an explanation for that specific instance, and in general, you find yourself tempering your judgment with mercy.
Nothing wrong with that except... except here I stumble into a cognitive dissonance of sort. I try not to look down on others. If I don't like someone's conduct, I either stay away, or try to look at only the positive and not let the negative affect my life. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that I don't make observations about life in general and social trends and individual actions. And let's be honest, there are certain trends that simply peeve me, and I just don't like them, and while I don't *really* pay much attention to them, they are not something I want to emulate, and when I'm surrounded by such tendencies, I do find them somehow inferior to whatever it is I prefer. That's ok, because not everyone can like everything, but to the extent that I stand apart from those who follow those tendencies, that kind of makes it a hypocrite when I embrace people who, objectively speaking, do substantially similar things and follow substantially similar trends for substantially similar reasons in substantially similar circumstances, and I find myself having to bend over backwards sometimes to explain to myself how it is possibly for me to both condemn and excuse substantially similar acts or tendencies at the same time.
I find myself struggling when I know have to be patient with people who matter to me for particular reasons, and sometimes that patience comes in disturbingly easily, and others it comes in very, very hard. I have to admit, I'm... confused. I still do what *I* think is right, and in that I'm completely unbending. If there is something that has not really affected my actions much it's social pressure. Social pressure of all the outside influences in my life is something I do withstand with no problem at all; it is not really a temptation for me, it is not an issue in my life because I am strong-willed enough to pay no heed. I care about my own principles and what works for me and seems right much more so than whatever others think I should be doing in those circumstances. And to the extent that I am free to do what I wish, what *others* are doing is their own personal business and doesn't really matter, I guess. But there comes a point when I get to be sufficiently familiar with certain people that what they do does come to affect my life in OTHER ways. In other words, eventually I am directly confronted with those seemingly unresolveable contradictions in my own standards and how I apply them to people, and I have to think about what really matters and what doesn't.
This is where patience comes in. Because this whole spiel comes down to one and only one underlying factor - my ability to accept others as they are, without wanting to change them or wishing they were somehow different. This is a very painful subject for me to think about because up to recent times I have either been able to brush that aside, or didn't really have to deal with that necessity, or, in fact have been UNABLE to find such acceptance and drifted away from people. And I have to say, I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and right now I'm all mixed up in my head and not sure how much I can or SHOULD be accepting, whether I should be trying to persuade them of my own beliefs, and if so, what arguments should I use to make it work for them without feeling like I'm merely imposing my own likes or dislikes rather than providing a valuable perspective from which others can genuinely learn something helpful.
I know that sometimes I just need to be more patient with people and give them a chance to resolve things their own way and learn their own mistakes. Everyone has his own path, and who am I to say what's really better having never been anyone other than me with my own particular issues. But it's not so easy. Sometimes others are equally mixed in; sometimes they act in contradictory ways and are struggling with issues, and since I can try to encourage certain things over others, it's a choice of what it is that I should accepting as the "more important" part of their personality and ways of lives. I am scared, because while I cannot control others, I can control myself and should be trying to control the way I react to things, and sometimes I just don't know what's going on and what it is I should actually be reacting to...
I guess the only answer that I have to all these questions is... to wait and see.
But waiting is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
Because, let's face it, impatience is all about wanting to be in control.
And letting go of this micromanagement of your own life, and everything and everyone around you, knowing that you're NOT in control and sometimes SHOULDN'T be takes extreme humbleness. Faith balances that out, because faith gives you the comfort of knowing that everyone is in the same position, NO ONE is ultimately in control, only God is. But as I said before, that knowledge, in my head doesn't always translate into True Knowledge, and therefore I feel shaky and uncertain, and my desire to know the future and get a certain outcome (with the best possible intentions, of course) is... basically killing me. :) Fortunately, I have finally gained enough self-awareness to make note of this issues, and finally write it all out here... hopefully, I'll gain the answers with more studying, life experience, and time. But this is one of the biggest issues I have to deal with, and right now my world is filled with confusion.
Waiting,
Irina/Nissan
The attitude "It's not like I have a choice; I can as well not stress out about it" would have come in handy, but it's incredibly difficult to cultivate. No matter how many times I tell myself to wait and not psych out, no matter how I rationalize being patient and not distress, in the long run it doesn't really help, doesn't work all that well at all. I think impatience is part of my inclination and temperament, not just a bad habit, though bad habit has certainly aggravated it. Unfortunately this impatience is badly affecting my Rosh Hashanah resolution to be become a more positive person, to have a better attitude towards life, being grateful for what I have, etc. It's difficult being appreciative and calm and peaceful and in control when inside you feel anything BUT, and when all you want to do is have the things you want HAPPEN ALREADY, gawd.
It's especially difficult for me right now, because I feel torn, unsure of what it is that I actually should or should not be doing. I have delved into studies of Judaism in the hopes that I will learn something from this experience. I don't expect my studies to necessarily fill the gaps in my personal belief system, but I am hoping that I can learn from all the wisdom that has accumulated in Judaism over the ages, and that in applying that to the way I view my life, I will benefit practically, I will become a better, more aware person with more self-control and more ways to contribute. And while I've been able to apply certain things that we have discussed in certain specific instances, which is encouraging... in other ways, I fall far short. I mean, as hard as I try to emulate the Patriarchs and the Matriarchs, and to avoid various mistakes made even by the greatest of Biblical characters... I fall far short, to put it mildly. What made some of the greatest people in the Torah so great was their incredible patience and their faith in God. It's easier to be patient when you have such absolute faith. My faith is... far from perfect. It's not that I *deny* that there is a God, but a lot of the time, no matter what it is that I actually believe, I *still* feel as confused and scared about the future as if I didn't believe in anything at all. I am not sure why that is; perhaps because it is a normal thing to everyone NOT endowed with the gift of prophecy. I mean, not knowing the final outcome makes things pretty uncertain, doesn't it?
On the other hand, I may be getting it all wrong, and the Patriarchs had the gift of prophecy BECAUSE their belief and trust in God was so strong. Whatever the case may be, staying optimistic and hopeful in the face of challenges and uncertainty is a separate challenge all in itself, and having faith in overcoming all the obstacles is not an easy sill to learn and apply, at least not for me. This confrontation with my "character flaw" is coming at a time when I'm facing a personal crisis in the form of a paradigm shift. Imagine living all your life believing in one thing, and having no problem applying that belief of yours to everyone you meet, and then one day, realizing that the way you view things is becoming a contradiction, that you have to resort to SCOTUS-like sophistry in order to explain the duality of condemning certain actions in certain people, while somehow justifying the same things in others. If you are skilled in life in finding exceptions to various rules and rules to the exceptions you can explain away just about anything, find whatever excuse you want, and resolve and placate any doubt or contradiction in your mind. And if you want to law school, that's basically all you learn how to do, so if you don't find yourself doing just that in your daily life in order to make the world around you make a better fit for yourself, consider that you've wasted three years of legal education.
Nevertheless, if I were to be *really* honest with myself... it's sometimes very *difficult* to be truly honest with myself when I'm conducting such manipulations with respect to people I actually know. If I have any personal biases towards individuals and their actions, in questions, be these biases favorable or the opposite, that already creates a problem with applying the ethical rules I try to apply to life consistently, which can only mean one thing... I wind up evaluating *someone* unfairly. How does that tie in into my diatribe about my battle with impatience? Clearly, favorable evaluation of by definition imperfect human beings requires a certain level of patience towards their imperfections. Obviously no one can accept everything. We all draw our own ethical lines, but for some people some things are more important than others, and what one person can tolerate or not even take issue with, someone else cannot.
Essentially, I have the dilemma of seeing people that matter to me in some way act in a way that would ordinarily repulse me or at least condemn those specific actions. But the problem here is, when I see similar behavior in other people, I see those acts in isolation, as well as their actual or potential effects on others, and so I can dispassionately evaluate those specific acts, line them up against what I think is right, and make a relatively coherent assessment. However, with people you know, that is much more difficult, because although you may distance yourself and reluctantly agree that in isolation those acts are not very much different from the way others have done in similar circumstances and for which you've judged them disfavorably for a certain extent, with people you know better you either tend to find excuses and justifications and explanations for why they have acted that way or find nuances that would make what they do somehow better or different, or you cannot ignore the big picture. You know these people as a whole, and that whole colors their individual acts, and their positives outweigh their negatives, or you find some other aspect of their lives as an explanation for that specific instance, and in general, you find yourself tempering your judgment with mercy.
Nothing wrong with that except... except here I stumble into a cognitive dissonance of sort. I try not to look down on others. If I don't like someone's conduct, I either stay away, or try to look at only the positive and not let the negative affect my life. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that I don't make observations about life in general and social trends and individual actions. And let's be honest, there are certain trends that simply peeve me, and I just don't like them, and while I don't *really* pay much attention to them, they are not something I want to emulate, and when I'm surrounded by such tendencies, I do find them somehow inferior to whatever it is I prefer. That's ok, because not everyone can like everything, but to the extent that I stand apart from those who follow those tendencies, that kind of makes it a hypocrite when I embrace people who, objectively speaking, do substantially similar things and follow substantially similar trends for substantially similar reasons in substantially similar circumstances, and I find myself having to bend over backwards sometimes to explain to myself how it is possibly for me to both condemn and excuse substantially similar acts or tendencies at the same time.
I find myself struggling when I know have to be patient with people who matter to me for particular reasons, and sometimes that patience comes in disturbingly easily, and others it comes in very, very hard. I have to admit, I'm... confused. I still do what *I* think is right, and in that I'm completely unbending. If there is something that has not really affected my actions much it's social pressure. Social pressure of all the outside influences in my life is something I do withstand with no problem at all; it is not really a temptation for me, it is not an issue in my life because I am strong-willed enough to pay no heed. I care about my own principles and what works for me and seems right much more so than whatever others think I should be doing in those circumstances. And to the extent that I am free to do what I wish, what *others* are doing is their own personal business and doesn't really matter, I guess. But there comes a point when I get to be sufficiently familiar with certain people that what they do does come to affect my life in OTHER ways. In other words, eventually I am directly confronted with those seemingly unresolveable contradictions in my own standards and how I apply them to people, and I have to think about what really matters and what doesn't.
This is where patience comes in. Because this whole spiel comes down to one and only one underlying factor - my ability to accept others as they are, without wanting to change them or wishing they were somehow different. This is a very painful subject for me to think about because up to recent times I have either been able to brush that aside, or didn't really have to deal with that necessity, or, in fact have been UNABLE to find such acceptance and drifted away from people. And I have to say, I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and right now I'm all mixed up in my head and not sure how much I can or SHOULD be accepting, whether I should be trying to persuade them of my own beliefs, and if so, what arguments should I use to make it work for them without feeling like I'm merely imposing my own likes or dislikes rather than providing a valuable perspective from which others can genuinely learn something helpful.
I know that sometimes I just need to be more patient with people and give them a chance to resolve things their own way and learn their own mistakes. Everyone has his own path, and who am I to say what's really better having never been anyone other than me with my own particular issues. But it's not so easy. Sometimes others are equally mixed in; sometimes they act in contradictory ways and are struggling with issues, and since I can try to encourage certain things over others, it's a choice of what it is that I should accepting as the "more important" part of their personality and ways of lives. I am scared, because while I cannot control others, I can control myself and should be trying to control the way I react to things, and sometimes I just don't know what's going on and what it is I should actually be reacting to...
I guess the only answer that I have to all these questions is... to wait and see.
But waiting is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
Because, let's face it, impatience is all about wanting to be in control.
And letting go of this micromanagement of your own life, and everything and everyone around you, knowing that you're NOT in control and sometimes SHOULDN'T be takes extreme humbleness. Faith balances that out, because faith gives you the comfort of knowing that everyone is in the same position, NO ONE is ultimately in control, only God is. But as I said before, that knowledge, in my head doesn't always translate into True Knowledge, and therefore I feel shaky and uncertain, and my desire to know the future and get a certain outcome (with the best possible intentions, of course) is... basically killing me. :) Fortunately, I have finally gained enough self-awareness to make note of this issues, and finally write it all out here... hopefully, I'll gain the answers with more studying, life experience, and time. But this is one of the biggest issues I have to deal with, and right now my world is filled with confusion.
Waiting,
Irina/Nissan
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Never Say Never All Over Again
I AM BACK!
It's been a while... And I really have no good excuse for not posting. I had a very exciting trip to Eastern Europe (will get to that eventually), I have been involved in a number of activities, working pro bono in KCDA, and in general living life to the fullest.
The holiday season being almost ever, it's as good a time as any to give in writing a quick reassessment of where I stand as I face the next Jewish year.
If there's one lesson I've learned, or at least SHOULD HAVE learned, by now is never to say never. Every time I vow that I'll never do this or that life puts me in the very situation where I wind up doing precisely that. Five years ago, I wrote the following post:
The World's Oldest Question
Take a quick look, and then come back. Because after five years.... I wound up taking an almost-complete turn around as a Jew, and I'm sure I've changed a great deal in other respects as well.
* I am now quite familiar with the workings of Orthodox services, and am a regular at Shabbat services at MJE.
* After taking a series of classes on Basic Judaism, I've familiarized myself with most Jewish holidays, and have participated at least to some extent in many of them in the past couple of years.
* I've adopted a Hebrew name when I felt the timing was right.
* While I still am conflicted about the balance of Jewish vs. secular education in my unborn children's lives, I've been embracing it myself with much fervor. In fact, I've decided to commit myself to the year-long MJE Fellowship, which requires of us to go to Judaism and Jewish philosophy classes twice a week for two hours each night. We will have about four hours of reading each week, quizzes, homework, etc. We will be going to luncheon programs, shabbatons, meetings with other rabbis and philanthropists, and mentoring other members of the congregation. I am very excited, but this is also a huge commitment, because to complete a program we cannot miss more than 10 classes. Any serious commitment is to some extent a sacrifice of free time and other opportunities, but at the same time taking on such a responsibility and such an enriching learning experience is a very exciting challenge, and for someone like me, who has a passion for learning, this will be a very meaningful and fulfilling experience as well. I feel so fortunate to be presented with such an opportunity, the kind of opportunity my family has not had in generations. The fellowship comes at a point in my life when everything seems to be hanging on a thin thread. I will be finding out my Bar results in about a month, and I try not to imagine the worst, just take things as they come. My pro bono work allows me some flexibility in schedule, but if and when I get a full time job, balancing day work and the fellowship will become much more difficult, without a doubt. Nevertheless, now is probably the best time for me to take it on. I am no longer tied up in school, and later on, when I'm deeper involved in my professional activities, I will have significantly less time even then now, so I'll have to make the best of what I have.
* Which brings me to another matter - pro bono work. Five years ago I was still bitter from my questionable high school experiences and would not even hear of helping "the community" for free. And now that's exactly what I am doing, in my own way. Granted, my motivations aren't necessarily completely altruistic, but the result is still the same, and the fact that I no longer feel offended at the concept signifies a great paradigmatic shift in my mind. I've done a lot of pro bono work in law school as well, and I have a feeling that even when I'm working full-time and actually PAID for what I'm doing, I'll still be finding ways to help people money without monetary compensation.
* Most importantly, however, I am no longer an agnostic. I identify quite certainly as a Jew, albeit not an "Orthodox" one, whatever that means. I practice to the extent that I feel comfortable with, but what I do, I do voluntarily and sincerely, not for the sake of some dubious relationship or because of communal peer pressure but because I feel it's the right thing to do. I am still a skeptic; I still question everything; I still take an intellectual approach to everything around me, and exploring Judaism for me means acquainting myself with the depths of it, with various interpretations and commentaries, and philosophies. I am not someone who can be satisfied with the literal surface level. I recognize and embrace the rich tradition that has brought us where we are today, and find that although I'm sure there will be times when I vehemently disagree with what I read, I have much to gain from the process of learning, as well as from the wisdom of great thinker who contributed to this tradition.
* Contrary to my earlier fears, I remain very far from passionless and dried out. And that is because I do what I do of my own volition, freely, with interest and love. No one is forcing me to do anything, quite the contrary. I am drawn deeper and deeper to discover and understand and explore as much a I can. Law school taught me a better control of both my emotions and my faculties, though many of my flaws will remain a life-long struggle. However, that does not mean that I turned into an emotionless mummy. In addition to my theological expeditions, I continue to participate in political/diplomatic/Zionist/secular Jewish events and activities, and of course, delve into as many of my other numerous interests as is humanly possible. And the more I explore, the more I find remaining to be yet untouched by my presence, and for that reason, tantalizing. There are not enough hours in the day, and life is indeed too short, but I try to stay positive and embrace the opportunities I see to the greatest extent possible. Some may even call me hyperactive, but I call that living an interesting, meaningful, and sentient life! Thus my worst fears did not materialize, and my earlier angst has given way to a dogged intent to dig deeper, learn more, embrace as much of life as I can, and rise above... well, above whatever I can. I challenge myself every day, and I allow others to challenge me, and to show me new paths and new opportunities to learn and be creative. For all its blows and unexpected turns, life is a beautiful thing, and gaining a certain perspective only makes me appreciate it more. I believe in G-d. I cannot rationally explain every step of me coming to believe, nor do I blame people who claim to be atheists. But I can say as much - my views stem from my awe and admiration of the world around me, and whether you use scientific terminology, or religious, or philosophical/humanistic lexicon, in the end, it's all the same thing.
* I have my struggles, many of them, both internal and external, but there are many days where I can see that I've come a long way, and that as of now, I'm well on the path to becoming the person I want to be. It's not an easy process; no one's every promised me that it will be. But it's ok. Deep in my heart, I like it that way. I need to be challenged constantly, or I get restless. I need to feel like I'm juggling too many balls at once, and am on the verge of dropping a few!
So this is where I stand... there is much work to be done, and I'll be writing about all those things soon enough. It's good to be back.
Excited,
Irina/Nissan
It's been a while... And I really have no good excuse for not posting. I had a very exciting trip to Eastern Europe (will get to that eventually), I have been involved in a number of activities, working pro bono in KCDA, and in general living life to the fullest.
The holiday season being almost ever, it's as good a time as any to give in writing a quick reassessment of where I stand as I face the next Jewish year.
If there's one lesson I've learned, or at least SHOULD HAVE learned, by now is never to say never. Every time I vow that I'll never do this or that life puts me in the very situation where I wind up doing precisely that. Five years ago, I wrote the following post:
The World's Oldest Question
Take a quick look, and then come back. Because after five years.... I wound up taking an almost-complete turn around as a Jew, and I'm sure I've changed a great deal in other respects as well.
* I am now quite familiar with the workings of Orthodox services, and am a regular at Shabbat services at MJE.
* After taking a series of classes on Basic Judaism, I've familiarized myself with most Jewish holidays, and have participated at least to some extent in many of them in the past couple of years.
* I've adopted a Hebrew name when I felt the timing was right.
* While I still am conflicted about the balance of Jewish vs. secular education in my unborn children's lives, I've been embracing it myself with much fervor. In fact, I've decided to commit myself to the year-long MJE Fellowship, which requires of us to go to Judaism and Jewish philosophy classes twice a week for two hours each night. We will have about four hours of reading each week, quizzes, homework, etc. We will be going to luncheon programs, shabbatons, meetings with other rabbis and philanthropists, and mentoring other members of the congregation. I am very excited, but this is also a huge commitment, because to complete a program we cannot miss more than 10 classes. Any serious commitment is to some extent a sacrifice of free time and other opportunities, but at the same time taking on such a responsibility and such an enriching learning experience is a very exciting challenge, and for someone like me, who has a passion for learning, this will be a very meaningful and fulfilling experience as well. I feel so fortunate to be presented with such an opportunity, the kind of opportunity my family has not had in generations. The fellowship comes at a point in my life when everything seems to be hanging on a thin thread. I will be finding out my Bar results in about a month, and I try not to imagine the worst, just take things as they come. My pro bono work allows me some flexibility in schedule, but if and when I get a full time job, balancing day work and the fellowship will become much more difficult, without a doubt. Nevertheless, now is probably the best time for me to take it on. I am no longer tied up in school, and later on, when I'm deeper involved in my professional activities, I will have significantly less time even then now, so I'll have to make the best of what I have.
* Which brings me to another matter - pro bono work. Five years ago I was still bitter from my questionable high school experiences and would not even hear of helping "the community" for free. And now that's exactly what I am doing, in my own way. Granted, my motivations aren't necessarily completely altruistic, but the result is still the same, and the fact that I no longer feel offended at the concept signifies a great paradigmatic shift in my mind. I've done a lot of pro bono work in law school as well, and I have a feeling that even when I'm working full-time and actually PAID for what I'm doing, I'll still be finding ways to help people money without monetary compensation.
* Most importantly, however, I am no longer an agnostic. I identify quite certainly as a Jew, albeit not an "Orthodox" one, whatever that means. I practice to the extent that I feel comfortable with, but what I do, I do voluntarily and sincerely, not for the sake of some dubious relationship or because of communal peer pressure but because I feel it's the right thing to do. I am still a skeptic; I still question everything; I still take an intellectual approach to everything around me, and exploring Judaism for me means acquainting myself with the depths of it, with various interpretations and commentaries, and philosophies. I am not someone who can be satisfied with the literal surface level. I recognize and embrace the rich tradition that has brought us where we are today, and find that although I'm sure there will be times when I vehemently disagree with what I read, I have much to gain from the process of learning, as well as from the wisdom of great thinker who contributed to this tradition.
* Contrary to my earlier fears, I remain very far from passionless and dried out. And that is because I do what I do of my own volition, freely, with interest and love. No one is forcing me to do anything, quite the contrary. I am drawn deeper and deeper to discover and understand and explore as much a I can. Law school taught me a better control of both my emotions and my faculties, though many of my flaws will remain a life-long struggle. However, that does not mean that I turned into an emotionless mummy. In addition to my theological expeditions, I continue to participate in political/diplomatic/Zionist/secular Jewish events and activities, and of course, delve into as many of my other numerous interests as is humanly possible. And the more I explore, the more I find remaining to be yet untouched by my presence, and for that reason, tantalizing. There are not enough hours in the day, and life is indeed too short, but I try to stay positive and embrace the opportunities I see to the greatest extent possible. Some may even call me hyperactive, but I call that living an interesting, meaningful, and sentient life! Thus my worst fears did not materialize, and my earlier angst has given way to a dogged intent to dig deeper, learn more, embrace as much of life as I can, and rise above... well, above whatever I can. I challenge myself every day, and I allow others to challenge me, and to show me new paths and new opportunities to learn and be creative. For all its blows and unexpected turns, life is a beautiful thing, and gaining a certain perspective only makes me appreciate it more. I believe in G-d. I cannot rationally explain every step of me coming to believe, nor do I blame people who claim to be atheists. But I can say as much - my views stem from my awe and admiration of the world around me, and whether you use scientific terminology, or religious, or philosophical/humanistic lexicon, in the end, it's all the same thing.
* I have my struggles, many of them, both internal and external, but there are many days where I can see that I've come a long way, and that as of now, I'm well on the path to becoming the person I want to be. It's not an easy process; no one's every promised me that it will be. But it's ok. Deep in my heart, I like it that way. I need to be challenged constantly, or I get restless. I need to feel like I'm juggling too many balls at once, and am on the verge of dropping a few!
So this is where I stand... there is much work to be done, and I'll be writing about all those things soon enough. It's good to be back.
Excited,
Irina/Nissan
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